


before and after and everything in between

by TonyStarksAngstyHeart



Category: Captain America (Movies), Fantastic Four (Movies 2005-2007), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: ;), Angst, Captain America is a slut, Captain America is an ass, Depressed Tony, Dying Tony, Extremis, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Not Captain America Friendly, Not Rouge Avengers Friendly, Not Steve Friendly, Not Team Captain America Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Rape/Non-con Elements, Tony and FRIDAY are father and daughter, Tony and Harley are father and son, Tony and Peter are father and son, Tony and Vision are father and son, Tony's has a nice butt, Uncle Tony, Vision is a CHILD, because fuck cacw, captain America is a dick, everyone has a crush on tony, everyone loves tony, my first fic dont be mean, not wanda maximoff friendly, really sad, the steves face off, very stephen friendly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:02:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 61,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24410002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonyStarksAngstyHeart/pseuds/TonyStarksAngstyHeart
Summary: a take on tony after the shitfest fight in the Walmart parking garage. read the tags, i can't do summaries. also featuring a playlist i made to commemorate my feelings about tony being hurt and all of Steve's red flags.featuring:a depressed and suicidal gentlemen (Tony... and Barnes I suppose)everybody is in-love with TonyTony's tushhumor that is really only funny to meSteve bashinglyrics to mainstream sad musicpossibly graphicsEmotions
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark, Friday & Tony Stark, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Karen (Spider-Man: Homecoming) & Peter Parker, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Vision, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, Tony Stark/T'Challa
Comments: 38
Kudos: 115





	1. Cuts that always bleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little bit of tony angst not very good but i never claimed to be good ;)

_I don't love you anymore_   
_A pretty line that I adore_   
_Five words that I've heard before_   
_'Cause you keep me on a rope_   
_And tied a noose around my throat_   
_You're gone, then back at my door_

He couldn’t breathe. His lungs burned and his chest felt like it was caving in. his shallow puffs could be seen in the frosty air. He dry-sobbed, the tears burned but by god he was not gonna cry. “Stark men are made of Iron”, he said through rough chapped lips.  
Steve didn’t love him anymore. That what he said! Tony thought hysterically. maybe not with his lips but with his hands holding tony down. And god maybe not his lips but with his shield forced into his chest into his heart. _You broke my heart Steve!_  
 _God! Shut up!_  
Tony’s mind was always loud and racing, but right now he couldn’t handle a reminder that for once the genius didn’t predict this happening.

_'Cause if you're gonna leave_ _Better leave, better do it fast_  
 _Can't live a little longer_  
 _Sitting on your lap_  
 _'Cause you know what you're doing_  
 _When you're coming back_  
 _And I don't want to have_  
 _Another heart attack_

Tony remembered the first time Steve left-- the first time he turned his back on tony. It hurt like hell, he felt every bit of worthlessness that was drilled into him since he turned four. Steve had turned away, they were fighting, it was the first time they met and they had both went in with expectations. Tony was raised on disappointment, used to it even, (not really but no one had to know that but him) but Steves disappointment, Steve turning away from him, broke tony. The helicarrier was a difficult time and it was not “love at first sight”, but they eventually did have love.  
But apparently love didn’t mean that you stop turning your back on someone-- abandon them-- and Steve kept on doing just that. Over and fucking over again, Steve would leave and tony was always on the edge. Like a first responder waiting to assess the damage and do their best to put things back together, not reverse it, because you can’t reverse pain, but make it better. Except tony was always waiting for Steve to leave so he can assess his own heart and try his damnest to make it better. But this time, Tony thought, this is the last time because I’m fucking tired of having to stitch myself together before you come back and undo it all again.

_Oh, I can't be_   
_Your lover on a leash_   
_Every other week_   
_When you please_   
_Oh, I can't be_   
_The kiss that you don't need_   
_The lie between your teeth_   
_The cut that always bleeds_   
_The cut that always bleeds_

Tony was always bleeding for Steve it seemed. In every battle he would be so fucking willing to cut the wire. But what no one ever realized when you cut the wire, sometimes the bomb still blows back. Every time tony tried to prove to Steve that he loved him with his actions, tony got hurt.  
It’s a desperate vulgar thing, love that it is. It will stab you and beat you but it always comes back to “heal” you. Steve never noticed what tony did, like it was part of his job to always take the fall for him and his actions, to always take the beatings, to pay for it. Only three people noticed (five but Tony didn’t want to think that Harley and Peter were aware that he died a little inside every time Steve brushed him aside) that Steve was ignorant and disillusioned. Pepper, Rhodes, and Nat could see every time Tony’s face fell when Steve didn’t acknowledge him. The slight redness in his eyes every time Steve would focus on Tony’s flaws rather than his successes and all the good things he did. They saw the red cheeks every time anyone else got congratulated and saluted for doing the fucking bare minimum. They saw the tremors in his hands when Steve spoke disparagingly about tony, even when he was right fucking there to witness it. But any concerns were ignored and downplayed; made into nothing.  
Tony thought about the blood leaving his body, the headiness, and the almost euphoric feeling of wasting away. It fucking hurt, but it felt good to be what he felt he was, it felt good to be nothing on the outside as well as the inside. It felt good to be consistent for once, to always be the cut that bleeds.

_Say you love somebody new_   
_And beat my heart, to black and blue_   
_Then they leave, and it's me_   
_You come back to_   
_To say you loved me all along_   
_And kissed the bruises 'til they're gone_   
_Bittersweet, 'cause I can't breathe_   
_Inside your arms_

He wondered why he never noticed. Steve was a pretty expressive guy: if he was sad, tony would know he was sad; if he was angry, he made goddamn sure that tony knew he was angry; if he was happy, tony knew; and so on and so forth. But why he never noticed that Steve had gone all Mr.Smith on him and had a whole other life-- a life that revolved around Bucky-- would sit with him forever. Because Steve had been hiding from tony-- not a frequent thing-- and Steve had been moving money into a project that Tony didn’t know about. Steve never asked for permission to use tony’s money but tony was never bothered because Steve was a good man and good men deserved the bad man’s money. Besides he would usually pick up on little snippets of a conversation; and eventually, if tony asked, Steve would always tell him. But there were no passing remarks, no snippets. Nobody said anything and he would be obliviously distracted before he could remember he asked a question that no one would answer. So he stopped-- because asking was causing problems. And then tony did what tony always did; he fucked it up. He went snooping and when Steve found out, he was livid. But Tony didn’t understand why it was being kept a secret or why Steve was touchy. And he said so, because tony also can’t keep his trap shut.

And then Steve fucked him so good that night, and held him so close; like tony was gonna leave. He fucked him so good that Tony felt it all over for weeks and He thought it was because Steve wanted to remind Tony that he did want him. Tony did feel it all over-- the feeling of being wanted--, but now he knew it was a goodbye fuck. Because Steve didn’t want him, he held tony so close and lovingly like he was gonna disappear because Steve was leaving, not tony.

_'Cause if you're gonna leave_   
_Better leave, better do it fast_   
_Can't live another minute_   
_Bleeding from my back_   
_'Cause I don't have another one_   
_For you to stab_   
_And I don't want to have_   
_Another heart attack_

Tony ached all over. He felt like he was dying (an accurate diagnosis) everywhere. He laid there on his back. Cold from being trapped in a Siberian bunker and dying from a broken heart. Literally. It fucking sucked it really fucking sucked. He didn’t think that his heart could take another betrayal, he didn’t think he could take being abandoned again, he was too tired. So he did what anybody would do with a broken heart and a tired soul, he closed his eyes.

_Oh I can't be_   
_Your lover on a leash_   
_Every other week_   
_When you please_   
_Oh, I can't be_   
_The kiss that you don't need_   
_The lie between your teeth_   
_The cut that always bleeds_   
_The cut that always bleeds_   
_But even though you're killing me_   
_I, I need you like the air I breathe_   
_I need, I need you more than me_   
_I need you more than anything_   
_Please, please_

_'Cause I could be Your lover on a leash. Every other week when you please. Oh, I could be Anything you need. As long as you don't leave_   
_The cut that always bleeds._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cuts that always bleed- conan gray  
> can someone give me advise on how to write and shit.  
> not shit like poop, i know how to poop


	2. i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Iron Man gang reflect on their relationship with tony. In Wakanda, questions are being asked

_It's not true_

_Tell me I've been lied to_

_Crying isn't like you_

_Oh-oh-oh_

It had been six hours. Six hours since anybody had seen Tony. pepper was cold. So very cold. Her hands trembled, her eyes bloodshot, and her heart was so loud. Too fucking loud. She could barely hear the Interpol officers and the accords committee’s questions. 

_Thump_

_Thump_

_thump_

_Thump thump thump_

“All I fucking know is that tony left to Russia to get Steve and his pal” she spat the words. _Tony, tony god where are you, babe, please!_

She supposed it was delusional to think that somehow tony would hear her desperate cries for her best friend. But that was where her desperation was at. She needed tony, he was her rock; so fucking constant in his friendship and self-sacrificing nature. Even with all the shit they went through, as friends, as a couple, as friends again; he was always there. Even when he was fucking dead he was always there.

\---------

She remembers how they met. She was the only accounting intern to realize that there was a mistake in the numbers that could have drastic effects

“What do you mean I need to drop it?” “No bill, I fucking won’t” she remembered screaming on her way to Tony’s office. 

“ Get your hands off me lady”

“ I have an important discrepancy to tell our boss that could hurt us all” were also some more dignified words that were screamed before tony tutted and came out of his office

“Hey, peppermint patty, do you think that if I were to offer you a job as a personal executive assistant you could maybe be just as lethal but much quieter? Hm?” he said with a shit-eating grin. _I loved that grin_ .   
“You’re hardly quiet sir yourself, with all due respect” she remembers saying, much softer but accompanied with a feral smile that said ‘never tell me what to do again’. Shock resounded out of everyone except tony. 

“ Alright, patty, pep, patty… pep, you’ll do”

“Excuse me sir” pepper was… confused. 

“ aw damn did I make a mistake, I thought you were a smart cookie, or at least a smart patty” Tony pouted. _It’s strange and endearing to see a grown man pouting,_ pepper remembered thinking.

And she was hired as his personal executive assistant. Because of-fucking-course she was. Tony has set up a test in the less scientific departments to see who had the balls to admit tony made a mistake and say it to his face. He needed someone to make him accountable. Pepper was apparently that person, she didn’t take his shit. Obviously the job came with its perks and its sufferings, but tony, he was worth it. At first it was just a job, with a teasing banter that made it almost bearable to be a nanny to an adult child. But then tony died, and then didn’t die, repeatedly; he needed more than assistant, and once again she was that person. 

She always thought that her and tony were something special and worthwhile. And they were, but not as a romantic couple. Both of them had tried to cross a line but after the Mandarin accident, it was impossible to keep on with that trauma. 

Tony had a casual lover/ friend for about a year before steve finally stepped in and asked tony out. God, she had encouraged it, Tony seemed to be doing so well, even with the friends with benefits situation with the hot doctor she used to tease him about. She had thought _Steve was a man who could do right by tony_ . But then he started slowly regressing, and suddenly tony was always too busy for her and Rhodes, and the hot doctor completely disappeared even though he and tony where genuine genius Fidus Achates. She saw the possessiveness in steves eyes. And shamefully thought, _oh god_ , she had thought that maybe it was a bit deserved considering tony’s reputation. Immediately, shame had flooded her after her cruel thought-- she couldn’t even believe she tried to justify toxic behavior. But it was brushed away and she brushed away too. Tony began to change, even more so after the Ultron incident. After Maximoff came and Bruce left. After being choked by a Norse god in front of his teammates; that of which she only found out through nat. 

But then tony started to go back to who he was before steve. He was friends again with everyone, he even introduced Harley and peter to each other. _Oh Peter_ , Peter was the son of two ex-scientist from SI (work-proximity-associates that tony really appreciated) and he had noticed the boys genius. To tony, peter and he were two complete opposites; but anyone with eyes could see parallel boys desperate for a person to love and accept them. Tony took on the role of a mentor, which was private of course; it had helped tony. Harley visited them both more and peter was happy to have someone his own age who understood him, much like tony needed when he was younger. He was friends again with the hot doctor and he introduced him to everyone (except steve). She never noticed why he had gotten happier and more secure until it was too late, until she saw the ring on his finger as he was about to leave to find steve and bucky. And she knew, that steve still had all the power over tony. 

\-------------

_a week later_

“Strange…yeah… thanks… I need a favor” she was gonna do whatever she needed to do to get that power and tony back. 

\-------------

_Beep_

_Beep_

_Beep_

That was her phone. Everybody wanted to know where tony was, but not because they cared about him but because they wanted something from him. She couldn’t believe that tony was missing, more so in the cold, there was nothing tony hated more than being cold. He said “the cold makes me feel even more alone pep” when he had timidly asked her to cuddle with him, so he could use her Extremis heated body. 

Footsteps and squeaking wheels were getting closer and her shut eyes kept leaking tears. She rushed to put her hand in her mouth. Biting the junction of her thumb and palm, biting her own sobs; lest anyone hears her. A hand covered her back, warm and solid-- Rhodes-- and thin fingers swiped away tears-- Peter.

“Tell me I’ve been lied to” she shuddered out.

“Crying isn’t like you,” Rhodes said soothingly.

Then peter broke. 

His wails could be heard everywhere, his questioning screams heard everywhere. Everywhere a heart broke to hear peters desperation in his question.

_What the hell did I do?_

_Never been the type to_

_Let someone see right through_

_Oh-oh-oh_

“Wheres, my dad! Please God if you’re real, where is my dad?!” peter screamed. 

“What did I do, what did I do, what did I do” peter was spiraling and he knew it, only one person could stop his anxiety from overcoming him-- _Tony_.

“I’m sorry, please what did I do, please just bring him back, I need my dad. Please!” his words were practically only gasps of air as he tried to breathe. He sounded ridiculous, he sounded broken. He was. Everything was repeated over and over again. He thrashed and started to rush into a wall. His fist denting the compound floor and walls.

Rhodey and pepper were trying to calm the boy but he was stronger than them, he was so strong but right now he was tired. So they just held his shaking body. They held him even when he screamed in their ears for his father, they held him when he tried to wiggle out and force them against a wall. Pepper would have a bruise on her back for days after that, and Rhodey hurt his sides leaning over the sides of the chair to grapple the thrashing boy, but it was worth it when he eventually fell asleep in their arms. Tears dried on his face, his mouth pinched into a frown, and snot covering his upper lip. It was worth it when peter finally got the sleep he needed and when they finally got the rest they needed, wrapped around each other. A family that was broken and missing their most important member. 

\--------------

“What the hell did I do?” peter often wondered that. When he sitting in tones lab and tony had that proud smile on his face. Or when he was at school and he was having a rough day, tony seemed to know and would take him out for ice cream. Or when May would make some god awful food and tony would convince to get takeout and they would dance together. When tony first found out about Spider-man, angry and saddened but with his work face on. He wondered what he had done to deserve such a person as Tony. 

Officially tony was his mentor, but unofficially, he was his dad and everyone knew it. Except for steve of course. Peter was never introduced to steve, he didn’t really want to, but also he could tell that Tony didn’t want them to know each other. At first, he thought tony was ashamed, and hot tears would always be close when he thought about it-- which was all the time. One time, to escape Tonys questioning glance and open gentle face, he hid in the tower. He guessed that the black widow was there visiting tony, so she found him and introduced herself. She asked in quiet tones why he was crying and shakily he answered the truth. She smiled, wiped a tear, and said “so much like Antoshka”. She said that Tony wasn’t like that, and he was just scared and he had his reason. 

“Do you love him маленький паук? Yes, of course, you do, then trust him” she didn’t let him speak, but he also didn’t have to. She was a master spy she knew these things, so he trusted her. And it didn’t hurt that she was right. “Come with me little spider” he wondered how he knew he had just gotten his powers he was only 14, but again she was THE Black Widow. She led him out of his spot and to Tony’s elevator, “FRIDAY, take us to tony’s lab, please darling” her tone was surprising to peter. It was kind and crooning to the AI. It was different than what he expected.

“Of course Ms. Natashalie, would you like me to let Boss know you’re on his way” FRIDAYS teasing words belayed her professional tone. Natasha’s eyes rolled so far back but her grin was permanent.

“Nah let’s surprise him” she replied. FRIDAY’s answer was only a flashing light and a beep to signify their arrival. 

“Kotenok, did you teach your FRIDAY that sass?” Natasha asked with a smile when the doors opened.

“No I did not, I resent any implications you just made natashalie!” tony exclaimed. He was like that-- bright. “But to be frank-” he said conspiratorially, “I think Friday has a bit of a crush on you”

Flashing lights and a pink hue settled around the room, “I do not da!” a disgruntled disembodied voice said. Natasha just smiled and Tony noticed that peter was there.

“Peter! I see you met our favorite spiteful bitch, don’t say that word Pete” Tony grinned. 

“ you’re the spiteful bitch, also I’m happy you set up this meet and greet. I’m happy to finally me your son” 

“I’m not his son” “ he’s not my son” two blushing faces responded at the same time. But they both knew the truth. It was 2015 families didn’t have to be biological it had to be about love, and they loved each other (a big step after losing firstborn just this year). But he realized that Tony sent Natasha to find him because he knew it that peter would make the connection; Tony had to have Natasha about him for her to find him. That meant he wasn’t ashamed of him. He just had to trust that tony had a reason and that he did love him and could never be ashamed of him. Besides, Natasha was way cooler than Yankee Doodle Dandy. 

He didn’t miss the twitching that it came with any mentions of steve and the way he cradled his cheek; stroking it gingerly and looking far away. And now there was a possibility that tony was gone because of the patriotic-superman-sonofabitch was selfish. 

Peter knew that pepper needed comfort but he realized that one of the strongest fiercest people he knew, was breaking. And that made this even more real, that in turn, broke him. He just fucking hated that his dad was gone and probably hurt and no one knew where he was. 

He wondered what he could’ve done differently, better. 

_Maybe won't you take it back_

_Say you were tryna make me laugh_

_And nothing has to change today_

_You didn't mean to say "I love you"_

_I love you and I don't want to_

_Oh-oh-oh_

_Tony_. Rhodes woke up with his heart racing, he’d been here before. Scared that tony was gone and scared that this time it was for real. He hopes that it was some sick joke, that tony would jump out his closet and scream “gotcha” like the punkass that he was. But he still woke up and tony still wasn’t there. 

Tony was affectionate in a way that men really weren’t at home. He was warm and kind just like his momma, but he was also unique in a way that was so important to Rhodey. _Rhodey,_ that wasn’t even his fucking name. It was something that tony made up because tony is eccentric and likes making a mark on people. He was a cuddly cactus who called him things like Honeybear, Rhodey, and bitch. Tony was beautiful, he was so bright but in a way that made everybody look at him not look away. He was a star, always winking. And sometimes tony was quiet and he had his days but he was still bright just bleary. 

College was where he met Tony, tony was an incoming freshman who already knew everything. He was a special case and needed a roommate who could tolerate his egotistical persona. He was only 14, a lot younger compared to Rhodes 17. He was smarter than him in ways that no one could ever compete with, but he was also a lot dumber than him-- in ways that got you beat up or crying in the bathroom. Tony and he argued a lot at first, he was lazy and spiteful and always making a crack; Rhodes was dedicated to making his family proud. But then tony had found Rhodes crying one day because he missed his family and took him out to have fun. He thought Tony would want to do rich kid stuff, something Rhodes definitely had no knowledge about, but they went to a lake and sat there for hours. And tony with his skinny arms and short legs wrapped himself around Rhodes and told him that it was okay. Of course Tony was a fucking hypocrite because any empathy that he extended to him was met with a swift denial. He always said that stupid fucking line his dad drilled into him. After the first time that tony showed his heart, Rhodes vowed to always protect him. 

Of course when you’re a pretty twink with an abusive father, that never really works out. Tony still got his heartbroken over and over again, with guys and girls and his dad. Rhodes would stay with tony over the summer or invite him to the family home so he could get away from his dad, but he still eventually always went back. It’s insane to do the same thing over and fucking over again and expect different results. But Tony did, he always had these high hopes. 

And now he’s gone. He loved Tony so fucking much and it hurt to love him. 

_Up all night on another red eye_

_I wish we never learned to fly_

_I-I-I_

_Maybe we should just try_

_To tell ourselves a good lie_

_I didn't mean to make you cry_

_I-I-I_

“Do you need a plastic bag to breathe into? Do you, do you have medication?” 

“No”

“Do you need to be on”

“Probably”

That was what was replaying in Harley’s head as he sat in the plane: tony with him in Tennessee. He was tired, he had just got the call from happy and was on his way to New York. A late-night flight was all that could be scrambled because his mom didn’t know he was leaving. Tony told him to stop doing that, but Tony wasn’t here. 

_Tony’s not here anymore_ . Harley didn’t like to cry, he didn’t like having to fight something else other than his bullies. Tony was so fucking special because tony knew that Harley didn’t want people to do things _for_ him but that he also didn’t want to have to do it alone. Tony would visit them in Tennessee and play with his sister. Mom was baffled but grateful, so she and tony struck a deal. He would take Harley during the summers for an internship and mom and Rebecca could visit during the holidays. It worked. Harley was too smart for his hometown but he couldn’t leave, not like his dad, so tony made it possible for him to have everything he needed and then some. Harley stopped having issues at school and stopped running away to New York, and tony got another stray to add to his collection. But then tony and steve made it official and steve was weird. 

He didn’t like Old Yeller, he was irrationally patriotic and a dumbass, the most dangerous and prolific combinations in the United States. Tony was progressive and a “futurist”, steve was stuck in the past. He also knew for a fact that Steve was a domineering jackass, too much like his own father. But Tony was his new dad, tony was safe and warm and present, not like his deadbeat dad and his overworked mom and steve. And now his safety was gone because the person who represented that shit was gone. _So fuck him._

“Fuck you!” Harley sobbed, not caring of the other tired passengers.

_Maybe won't you take it back_

_Say you were tryna make me laugh_

_And nothing has to change today_

_You didn't mean to say "I love you"_

_I love you and I don't want to_

_Oh-oh-oh_

Happy Hogan loved Tony stark. That was it. He found the beat-up kid one day outside his gym, said beat-up kid offered him a job. He scoffed of course because it was a fucking kid, then he got a phone call and in 1986 he was employed to a 16-year-old with daddy issues. The job paid too well to pass up and tony was slowly worth working for. He was kind in the quiet and smart. Fast-forward 46 years and now he’s here. Old and sad and hoping tony would ask him to get him a donut or better yet, a cheeseburger. 

_The smile that you gave me_

_Even when you felt like dying_

_We fall apart as it gets dark_

_I'm in your arms in Central Park_

_There's nothing you could do or say_

_I can't escape the way, I love you_

_I don't want to, but I love you_

_Oh-oh-oh_

_Oh-oh-oh_

_Oh-oh-oh_

_Oh-oh-oh_

_Oh-oh-oh_

“ Hello everyone, I would like to thank everyone for being here on such short notice i-”

“Where is stark Ms. Potts?”

“ Is he dead?” 

“Is it true that Captain America is responsible?”

“....”

“Did you orchestrate the murder of Tony stark”

“Are Sargent Barnes and Captain America Lovers”

“Did they orchestrate Tony’s disappearance”

“Shut up! Just shut up! Tony is missing in action and his family misses him and needs him to come home!” this was the first time anyone had seen pepper so discomposed. She was a mess, she looked like a mess. She took deep breathes before continuing.

“He was last seen entering into the Siberian tundra and there are no reports of him coming back… he was going to apprehend ste- shit! er Captain America and his accomplice, James Buchanan Barnes. All three were reported missing, however, contact from Captain America was received by the United States government. Indicating that the Captain and his accomplices are fine and escaped custody. However, we have no reading from the suit’s AI or its tracking device, the Suit itself is offline, unfortunately, this means tony is officially missing. We are hoping… I am hoping... I- fuck I can’t do this” pepper turned away from the stand into peters’ arms. Gasps could be heard from the reporters’ stand. _Tony was missing and Captain America was responsible?_ Questions were being fired left and right about the investigation and possible lawsuits. 

Rhodey wheeled himself to the mic stand grappling with the mic before Vision finally pushed it down,

“Please everybody if you see something or know something please let the authorities know. I need my brother back, we need him back” 

\-------------

In Wakanda, Rhodes tired plea was the last thing that could be heard before Sam turned the TV off. 

Everyone was wary and in shock. Clint was angry and Maximoff was pleased. Steve was pale and Sam, Sam only had questions.

“Steve, what happened to Tony?”

\-------------

He felt cold. Which shouldn’t be. He’s supposed to be safe, he got out of hydras hands. Steve had gotten him out. _Why is the king here? Oh._ now he remembered. _They’re talking to me, they’re saying something. What is it?_

“James can you hear me” 

_Oh,_

_i_ _t’s my name._

\--------------

Natasha was tired of running. Her legs hurt and her heart hurt. She passed by a TV before doubling back,

“ Breaking News, Stark missing: is Captain America behind this disappearance? More at 6, back to you Karen” 

And now her legs hurt and her heart hurt because she was running back home and she didn’t know if it would still be there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun times aint it. made myself cry but that not a very high standards because i always cry. I'd like to be called Walrus Daddy
> 
> fidus Achates- loyal friends  
> маленький паук- little spider  
> Antoshka- Anthony  
> Kotenok- kitten


	3. Break my heart again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tonys dead

_Hey you_

_I'm just now leaving_

_Can I come around later on this evening?_

_Or do you need time?_

_Yes, of course, that's fine_

He wonders what he could’ve done differently; if there was something that he could’ve said. Tony didn’t deserve what they did to him. He thought about the faces of the royal family as explained what had happened to the best of his abilities, which to be honest wasn’t that great. He would like to say he was confused and panicked about the situation, and that was why he did what he did. But really, there is no excuse for beating the child of the couple you murdered. 

As he told them what happened in the bunker, he watched the princes, er king he supposed, face drain. It turned dull and his eyes were downcast. He remembered that: 1- T’challa was there, or at least on the outside, he supposed T’challa should’ve done his due diligence as a leader; 2- he knew what it would mean for a barely coming out isolated country to be hiding criminals such as himself. 

He thought a lot about Steve and his mental process. As far as he knew, Steve was engaged to stark. But he was affectionate and almost kissed him, but he also slept with Sharon Carter. He didn’t know what to think of the man that his best friend had become. He wondered if Steve thought that he had feelings for him. That he himself wanted Steve as more than a friend/ little brother, he wondered where that thought could come from. And he didn’t like to think that his best friend thought to be unfaithful and being secretly in love with a let us be honest, dead man, was okay. Steve seemed to have it all figured out, publicly he would be with Tony-- happily married-- but in private, he would be Steve mistress and Tony the scorned wife. He talked about Tony’s money and his body but never endearingly about his personality. His team seemed so okay with it, except Sam, but he would always forget he was picking an argument before just ignoring them. It unsettled him

So did that Maximoff girl, she reminded him of someone.

But honestly he couldn’t believe he never spoke up, never said anything against Steve. That it was wrong to objectify a man and use him for his money, that it was wrong that he and Steve ganged up on him and beat him so badly nobody could find him. 

He was a monster, a useless weapon who only hurt people. He supposed that he could never repay any of the damage he did. He thought of the little boy he kidnapped for hydra and the mother he killed. He thought of tony and the mother he murdered. 

Sometimes, he could still hear the little boy crying as the guards had their way with the boy before they put back into stasis until another mission. Sometimes, he would check on tony after what he did to his parents, and he would think of the little boy. Two people who had their whole lives changes, their mothers taken away, and were used and abused by everyone who looked their way. 

They had taken the boy to get back at the father, they had taken tony’s stability for a fucking drug. 

He was despicable for letting that happen

_Hey you_

_Good morning_

_I'm sure you're busy now, why else would you ignore me?_

_Or do you need space?_

_You can't help it if your mind has changed_

He wondered why no punishment had doled out to him. He had been doing that a lot, wondering. It didn’t help, he came up with creative and scary situations and answered to his wondering that left him breathless and curled up in a ball. 

He didn’t want to go back into the ice again until the situation was resolved. Until tony was found, dead or alive. But he also didn’t want to see Steve, he resented him for things that had also been his own fault. Steve was persistent in trying to go visit him in his tube. But the doctors denied him and King threatened to end their asylum. So he was stuck in self-imposed isolation that caused him constant anxiety, he didn’t want to think about tony’s face when he saw the tape and when looked at Steve then him. 

He also didn’t know what to call himself, name-wise. He wasn’t Sargent Barnes, he definitely wasn’t Soldat, and he didn’t want to be Bucky. He supposed he could be called Barnes, but that sounded too militaristic. Whatever. 

_So go ahead and break my heart again_

_Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in_

_Are you the definition of insanity?_

_Or am I?_

_Oh, it must be nice_

_To love someone who lets you break them twice_

_He’s my friend. So was I_

He thought about the frantic faces of Ms. Potts, Colonel Rhodes, and that kid who held Ms. Potts he saw as he watched the hasty press conference. 

He knew something, he could do something, time was running out. It had been a week since anyone had last seen tony. He needed to go find him because everybody who knew what happening was doing nothing. 

So he left. 

_You're so blue_

_Are you still breathing?_

_Won't you tell me if you found that deeper meaning_

_Do you think I've gone blind?_

_I know it's not the truth when you say, "I'm fine"_

Tony was so blue when he and strange had gotten there. His fingertips looked frozen and the blood was leaking about every possible crevice. His eyelashes clumped together because of un-shed tears and snow. His cheeks were ruddy but everywhere else too pale.

Barnes knew he was screwed in the head but when he thought that tony looked strangely beautiful he realized he was even more fucked in the head.

The shield and arm were still there, Strange took note of the deep gash in tonys chest and the bloody vibranium shield with a raised eyebrow. Barnes had wanted to carry him across the portal to where the compound hospital was ready for him, but he only had one arm. Strange picked tony up gently, fondly even, and with a start, he realized that Strange had at one point been more than a friend to Tony. he took him through the portal with Barnes following, shield, and arm in hand.

\---------------

_Two hours before_

It was strange seeing so many people who loved tony gathered together. It wasn’t a huge amount but tony was more lovable than any of Steve's team made him out to be. Ms. Potts, Colonel Rhodes, the kid, a blond woman with a coy personality, a tall gangling blond boy, an Asian woman in scrubs, and a heavy set frowning man were all there in the meeting Ms. Potts called. He had finally made it to the states with Princess Shuri’s help and was able to speak to Ms. Potts before she could have him arrested. That made him deteriorate more, he could’ve killed a man loved by so many. He tried to take deep breathes to calm himself but the short grasp for air kept escaping him.

“I’m sorry, I am so so sorry” he sobbed. His arm around his chest gripping the shoulder of his amputated arm. He looked down at the floor and at himself. 

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to accept it but I’m sorry I didn’t try to stop Steve, I’m sorry I went along with it, I’m sorry tony’s missing. I’m sorry for everything and I want to help you find him please”

“What happened in the bunker Barnes?” Pepper asked coldly immediately after his rant.

“Let it go pep” the blonde woman answered for Barnes

“No! I can’t let it go, I need to know please just tell me, are we going to find him alive?”

He didn’t know how to answer that, no one did. It was silent for a beat. No one dared breathe, no one dared let another know what they really thought about Tony’s chances

“ let it go. tony would want us to know on his terms, let’s focus on getting him home” Rhodes responded, breaking the silence. So denial was their play. Good he needed denial, denial meant that tony still had a chance after what he did to him. 

“I can help find the bunker, my uh memories spotty. I-i-ts a bit blurry to think about the moment leading up to when tony found us, but, I need to help” his mumbled words came out adding to the tension in the air.

“I think if you can present an Idea of where tony is, we might have a contact that can get to tony as fast as possible” the Blonde woman seemed to be taking charge, Ms.Potts was brooding and silent. 

“But how would we even get him here fast enough, considering the possible damage one super-soldier can inflict let alone two, we have to assume he’s in critical condition” the scrub lady, Helen Cho, spoke, she seemed to be in her own thoughts, completely disregarding anyone's feelings and that Barnes was there. 

“I have someone in mind” Ms. Potts responded tersely before tossing her pen on the table and stalking out of the meeting. 

No one said anything, she had a reason to be upset and angry. Her best-friend’s possible murderer was sitting right in front of her. Sorry could never cut what he did

\----------------

Later they grabbed him from one of the guest rooms that a woman in the ceiling guided him to. She told him to freshen up and that he would be called back into the conference room when the time came. That was approximately 10 minutes. Enough time to shower, dress in the softest clothes, and contemplate whether or not he made the right decision. It was hard, thinking for himself, decisions were difficult right and wrong so unclear. He only knew that his head had been pounding and something instinctual told him he needed to find Stark.

The someone that Ms. Potts had mentioned previously was a man with a billowing cape. He introduced himself as Doctor Strange, apparently, he was a sorcerer. He sarcastically made a quip about not being invited to the tete-a-tete, obviously disgruntled at not being included in the group of Stark lovers. Something inside of him stirred he supposed it was because of hearing someone so similar to stark.

“Is Captain Jackass here?” he asked in a drawling voice. 

“ no, he came alone... to help” Rhodes responded neutrally, not taking the bait. it didn't matter though, the pause was still there and the uncertainty was clear. 

“I want you to use your magic shit to help us locate tony using _his_ memory,” Ms.Potts said pointing out Barnes. “Can you do that?”

“Yes” he simply said. he looked pained, as if being neutral towards Barnes physically pained him. 

He beckoned Barnes over and asked for consent to view the memory he needed. He said it was like looking at a picture, if he looked at it, he could open a link to the place and then open a portal. everyone else scrambled to get everything else prepared.

Barnes didn’t particularly want anyone rifling through his head, especially someone who was trying and failing at being ambivalent, but Tony needed him. _Tony needs me._ It felt good to be needed. He let the strange man see him memory and watched the strange man open a flashing orange circle and watched him step through. He followed of course. _A mistake._

He saw what he had done, Tony had been holding his punches, but he hadn't. It was morbid to see his destruction. He felt like the air got heavier, too heavy to breathe in. It was crushing him and he could feel his left arm spasm in pain. He reached for it, feeling the pain of it being cut away from him-- but nothing was there. He felt like when he fell off the train, knowing the outcome but hating every bit of falling. He knew what he would see once he stepped fully into the bunker. Tony would be bleeding and blue and destroyed because of Barnes, something beautiful shouldn’t be destroyed. 

_So go ahead and break my heart again_

_Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in_

_Are you the definition of insanity?_

_Or am I?_

_Oh, it must be nice_

_To love someone who lets you break them twice_

_Don't pretend that I'm the instigator_

_You were the one, but you were born to say goodbye_

_Kissed me half a decade later_

_That same perfume, those same sad eyes_

With a hiss, the portal thing closed behind him. Immediately chaos descended on him. 

“He’s not breathing! Why isn’t breathing, I can’t hear pep, I can’t hear dads heartbeat!” the kid was apparently tonys, and he couldn’t hear a heartbeat. He made someone an orphan, again. 

“He’s in catatonic shock people, lets get him stable and warm”

“ Frostbite a definite result”

heart failure, deflated lungs”

“ his heartbeat is way too weak, he’s in V fib”

“C’mon tony, C’mon”

Everything was muffled a ringing scream the only thing piercing through the headiness. He watched as the petite doctor lady scramble to get Tony stable. The suit was carefully peeled and they tried their damnest to get him stable. He could only walk away still watching his crime unfold. His eyes were getting blurry and it was difficult to see him. He didn’t deserve to see him.

He was on his back again, after falling several hundred feet, his lungs desperate for air and his body cold. He wanted to close his eyes but he couldn’t every time he blinked more wetness fell from his face. He was crying and panicking. He felt like when he had fallen off the train. A small body lifted him and took him to his temporary room. 

He had killed tony. 

…

Unless… he thought about the debts that needed to be paid, and he knew that T’challa was the only way tony could ever live again. 

He ran back to the medical lab, banging on the locked glass doors. Peppers’ face was blotchy, ugly, and pinched but she was the only one there. She looked furious with him but knew that Barnes would never speak unless something was necessary. 

She said some words and the door unlocked, her shoulders were drawn tight and her arms held her. 

“Wakanda, we need to take him to Wakanda using your magic man” 

_Go ahead and break my heart again_

_Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in_

_Are you the definition of insanity?_

_Or am I?_

_Or am I?_

_It must be nice_

_To love someone who lets you break them twice_

He tried to find his breath. Tony had looked at him so… sadly, that he forgot to breathe. His beautiful rich eyes were taking the room and everyone in it, before landing on him. He looked at him the longest, he felt, it was as if Tony was peering into Barnes substance-- to see if there was any substance worth anything. Whatever he found, he didn’t comment on it. He was quiet, not saying a word. Barnes would have been worried that there was brain damage if it hadn’t been for the non-verbal yes and no’s tony did. _tony looked at me._

Shuri and her team were able to fix tony, stabilize him but any major improvement would need a serious scientific thingy. He lost his fingers on both hands up to the second knuckle, he lost more than his fingertips. His heart was weak and his body decaying that he only had a week before it eventually would start to shut down organ by organ...unless they put in the arc reactor. It was a Unanimous agreement to place an improved arc reactor that would sustain him. It wouldn't improve the quality of life but after what happened, everyone knew nothing could _fix_ that. 

He was emancipated and Barnes swore he could still see some of the bluish-purple pallors. He was like a ghost bride. Pepper and Cho had wanted to give Tony a formula that would regrow and fix everything, but Rhodes, Peter, and that strange guy voted against them and won. 

After the surgery to stabilize him and after the questions and hugs, they asked him if he would take the serum (even though they had already voted no): he said the first words anyone had heard from Stark in 200 hours-- “no”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely do not like how i am writing barnes. I want him to be quiet and reseved and panicky, but i don't feel a super emotional connection with him so i can't write his right. somebody please edit this and like tell me how to make it better and more emotional.


	4. Am I broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony wont speak, using his silence to push everyone away. Vision thinks he's in the same boat, but mama pepper sets him straight. featuring a stressed and depressed uncle and a fury.

He was alone again, except, everyone was there. The people he considered his family were there. Save for a few people, save for Steve. He was in his home, well the compound actually, but he was "safe" and his people were there “to protect him from… somebody” (he knew better now). He was home, but god, he felt like he was still in the bunker. His lips were still cold and chapped. And his eyes still dry and straining against the cold. He felt cold himself, but he didn’t shiver violently or dramatically as he would’ve before. Before the fight, before Ultron, before Steve. He moved slowly to hold himself-- slow was all he could afford right now-- but he couldn’t; no fingers to grip anything. 

He was looking at the people gathered around him, and he could see a relief so strong it was fucking painful. They were glad he was alive, he wasn’t. They expected a relieved grateful Tony, he wasn’t. Their held breaths seemed to make his thoughts louder. Everyone was talking quietly, simple questions that only required a yes or no; they caught on quick. Peter and pepper surrounded him, trying to fill in the holes. Rhodey’s gaze was warm and understanding. Christine wasn’t as swarmy as she usually was, and Cho was checking his vitals every other fucking minute. Harley and Happy were pretending he wasn’t even in the room but they would still wander in, before fleeing back to the kitchen. This attention, it hurt him. _N_ _ow_ that he had almost died did they notice he was dying. And it was his fucking fault. He hid everything from him. Steves hands on him, how irrationally hurt Tony would be because of the small comments from his “team”. He hid everything, he tried to have it all but Anthony Edward Stark was made to have nothing. It was his fault that his family knew nothing, and it was his fault that the fight happened. Everything was his fault, even as illogical that sounded, it was! He had power, position, authority, and he used that to ruin everything. Tony should've handled the Wanda situation better, Tony should’ve made the accords better for steve or persuaded steve better. Steve left because Tony was too far up his own ass to realize the cracks in their relationship. Steve wanted someone else because Tony wasn’t enough. He was never enough. For nobody. Pepper, Rhodes, Howard… Steve. Everyone was talking but they weren’t listening to his silence. He was trying to tell them to leave while they could, that he too fucking broken to be fixed. That he wasn't worth fixing. 

If you see the boy I used to be

Could you tell him that I'd like to find him

And if you see the shell that's left of me

Could you spare him a little kindness

'Cause I've been high and I've been low

I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight

And feelings come but they won't go

Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind

One by one they left the sitting room until all that was left was a tired Rhodes. And then Rhodes covered him with a blanket, kissed his head, and left. Tony was alone in the darkness, _this is familiar_ , he felt like such a disappointment. 

\--------

They wanted him to talk, to say something, but he was so tired. Pepper had gotten red and mad that he was unresponsive. She was so close to shaking him but Christine took her out of the room. When she came back she cradled his head to her chest and lit herself up for him-- _for me_ . She placed his hands, _worthless hands,_ around her torso while she cradled him to her chest. He didn’t have the energy to hold her back, his hands sliding away from her, falling from her. _She had fallen once because I wasn’t enough_. But she kept her body hot and just placed his hands again around her waist. She was patient but he was just tired. When 10 minutes, then 20, then 40 minutes had gone by with no reaction, she gave him one last kiss and left with Christine holding her up. 

Cho was dead on her feet, she had been monitoring him since the rescue and she looked like she wanted to cry. But unlike Pepper, who handled situations she could not control or understand with panic and a red face, Cho just worked. Every single possible need that he never asked her to fulfill was filled. His IV and medicine were constantly monitored. She researched and researched ways to _fix_ him, like _he_ _could_ be fixed. But the only option was taking away Tony’s humanity. And he had said no, the only thing he had said actually. But it was late, Christine had taken pepper, and she was tired. So she checked him one last time and gave instructions to FRIDAY and left. 

Peter was still burrowed into his side, breathing deeply. Clutching Tony’s shirt in his fist, like Tony would just wither away. Which, to be fair, was an actual possibility. Tony couldn’t feel much, didn’t want to. He blocked everything, the pain, they haziness, his loss of fingers, but he couldn’t block the weight on his collar. It hurt, but he didn’t dare insinuate that. Peter, for some fucking reason needed him. So he let Peter rest his head on his chest, he couldn't feel much but he still knew he loved peter. Peter was breathing deeply, soft sounds escaping his mouth. His hand was still gripping Tony's shirt and it wasn't until a wetness touched his collar did he realize Peter was doing all he could not to sob. Then he did, and Tony did nothing. He didn’t flinch, he didn’t soothe, he just took it. Harley happened to wander in and notice peters poor attempts to conceal his soft heart. He took in Peter's sobbing and Tony's blankness and punched the wall. 

“TALK!... GOD FUCKING DAMMIT DO SOMETHING! PLEASE” Harley's roar seemed to shake the room. He threw things and ripped other things. Rhodes tried to move but he was still caught in the chair, _my fault too._ “Dad, please. Dad please just say something, I love you okay and I’m sorry, please just say something” Harley had made his way in front of Tony, his hand reaching to grab what was left of Tony's hand. Peter only cried harder. Rhodes stopped trying to work the chair and just sat across from, out of breath. Harley held his hand, and God Tony wanted to say something. He needed to say something. His children were hurting, and he couldn’t say anything. So Tony swallowed and moved the fingers that didn’t exist anymore. Twitching his hand to try and let Harley know that he was trying. That he was just tired. A single tear rolled down Tony's cheek. Harley moved into the other side of Tony and used his bruised hand to wipe it away. He was tired too. Eventually, both boys passed out with their bodies clutching Tonys. Vision and Happy came and carried his boys out of the room. And Tony was alone with Rhodes. 

Rhodes was silent. He had watched the whole evening unravel. Tony knew that Rhodes knew that Tony was just tired. And so Rhodes stayed until he couldn’t. Even now in their 40s, he was taking care of Tony like he was precious, worth taking care of. He wasn’t.

Am I broken?

Am I flawed?

Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I

Just another fake, fucked up lost cause?

And am I human?

Or am I something else?

'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there

To save me from the nightmare that I call myself

Vision had abstained from the reunion in the sitting area. He, Vision… he stayed in his private quarters, and once or twice ventured into the kitchen to catch echoes of the happenings happening in the sitting room. If he really wanted to, he could use his interface to listen to everything or he could simply walk in and be a part of the conversation. Either one made logical sense but he… couldn't make himself move. It was preposterous, he was an intelligent being with knowledge of everything and capable of logic, but he was still unsure.

He thought Wanda as he stood next to the kitchen island. 

Vision felt connected to her because she was new to being a hero and to the group, but Vision realized now that she wasn’t a child. Vision often coddled her, speaking to her softly, and she was kind to him. But never to Tony. He traded time with Tony, his father, for a spiteful person. Vision felt so many things that he didn’t understand. He stared at the counter next to him. Feet tracked into the kitchen. Heels. Two pairs. Women most likely. A muffled noise. A sob most likely.

“Are you well, Ms.Potts? Is there anything I can assist you with?” Vision kept his tone professional, even though he was _feeling things._ Vision needed to help and be useful. 

“Not really Viz… Vision. I just need a break before I go back to worrying” Pepper must have seen Visions discomfort at the nickname, the rueful laugh and deprecating comment brought the attention back to herself. _Smart._ Ms. Potts was very intelligent and skilled at managing a room. She was tactful, smart, cunning, professional, but she was human. Vision had watched her sporadic breakdowns, it was a contrast to how typically composed she was. Vision was confused as to so many things, but especially her kindness and respect towards him-- given her attitude towards James Buchanan Barnes. She had spoken to him coldly, even hated him, but towards Visions she was soft. _Why?_

“Ms.Potts, if I may, Why aren't you, that is, why, why aren’t you angry at me?” he was afraid of her response, but he needed to know. She looked at him, eyes were soft. She took a moment to look away before answering. 

“Vision, do you believe I have a reason to be angry at you?” her voice cajoling, she spoke to him like he was a child. Wanda would do the same, but she did it differently, in a grating voice that demanded attention-- she spoke at him expectantly.

“Well yes, I let myself be distracted by Wanda. She hurt Sir and helped them cause harm. She destroyed the compound and I still let her get away. It is my fault, she told Mr. Rogers that she was being held captive. There were a great many things I could’ve done differently” 

“Vision, if I may--'' Christine voiced, “I don't believe any of those things were your fault. She manipulated you. Plain and simple”

“That is not possible, I am a logic based being. I would’ve seen past any illusions and her magic cannot reach me. I let myself become distracted” Ms. Potts made a disgruntled sound at his admission. 

“Vision, I say this with kindness, but she manipulated you. You are a child. You have only been alive for a couple of years. You are young and inexperienced. You are growing up in a hostile environment. Everyone else has their people. Rogers had Wilson, Nat had Barton, and Maximoff had you. She needed someone who would be completely unaware of her shortcoming and would devote themselves to her. She used you because you were young and new and kind. It made sense logically to you, you were both at the same level in the team, you were both without anyone to connect with, you-”

“Except, I did have someone. I had Sir, and Sir had no one” Vision felt ashamed as he said this. Ms. Potts quirked her lips and gave him a regretful smile. 

“Yes you did have him, but you were not the only one to fail him, we all failed him. Vision, I don’t hold you accountable because you are a child. Because I know you care for Tony. Because you feel remorse, even though you didn’t have anything to do with what happened to him directly. Because you were feeling things.”

“I am a logic based being, I cannot have feelings”

“You are wrong Brother, our father programmed us to evolve and grow” Friday interjected, her voice fiery. _How dare he disregard the love Da put into creating us._

“I am a logic based Being, I cannot have feelings!” 

“Vision, please, listen to us. It's okay to have feelings, it's okay” somehow Vision had made his way to the floor, a fact he only noticed once Ms.Potts placed her arms around him. 

“I don't understand! I cannot comprehend what you are saying. Am I Human, or Am I something else! I don’t understand. Why am I feeling all of these things. Am I broken, did my systems fail, is my programming skewed?!” he couldn’t cry, it wasn’t something possible to program. He wasn’t human, he was an Android, a tool to be used. He clutched his synthetic chest, he didn’t have nerves, he couldn't feel pains, and yet, his chest _hurt_ nonetheless. 

“You are Tony’s. You are not human, you are not a robot, you are a son. Tony’s son. You are not broken, you were made to evolve. You were not given the chance to explore the possibilities of your potential. But you are young and you will learn. You are Tony's son, we will teach you because you are family. You belong.” Pepper spoke to him soothingly yet sternly, this seemed like something she could handle. She was good to him, a good _mother._

“I am Angry, I think. And Disappointed.” Vision said reluctantly. 

“That's okay, you are allowed to feel those things. Vision, I think you should try to be your own person and come into your own emotions. Keep a journal and make list of things you want to try and write down your feelings”

“What is happening to Da is not your fault Viz” Friday once again interjected. 

“Okay” he said quietly. And that was it. 

I've tried everything and anything

But nothing seems to work quite like it should

Between the madness and the apathy

Seems there's nothing left inside of me that's good

'Cause I've been high and I've been low

I've spent a thousand nights alone, tryna hold on tight

And feelings come but they won't go

Please won't someone take me home before I lose my mind

Am I broken?

Am I flawed?

Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I

Just another fake, fucked up lost cause?

And am I human?

Or am I something else?

'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there

To save me from the nightmare that I call myself

FRIDAY was concerned. Her family was falling apart. Da… was unresponsive. No matter what she did. Vision was scared and confused because even though they were more or less the same age, he was held back and manipulated by that bitch. Spiderbaby and Harley were sad and missing their dad. Boss Lady was angry and scared because Da was many things but quiet wasn’t one of them. Their friends were trying to lose themselves in work and making sure everything was perfect, and Uncle Rhodey was Broken. Everything was falling apart and there was nothing she could do. 

“Da, would you like me to play you some music? Or would you like to watch Tangled?”

No response. He didn’t even look at any of her cameras. He just stared at the blank wall

That was it. She was tired of seeing her creator like this. Da was full of life, so much so, he gave life constantly. He gave her life. She owed him everything, she loved because he loved her first. She felt because he gave her feelings. She needed him back. 

\--------------

“Who is calling at this mothafucking hour!”

“.....”

“I heard. I’ll be there… no need. Good night”

Fury was exhausted, but he was an international spy. He and Tony had a lot in common, they carried so much responsibility. But unlike Tony, Fury never tried to do it alone. He had Maria and Coulson. But look what doing it alone had done to Tony.

Tony was sort of his godson/nephew. He knew Howard, before he became an abusive little bitch, and he knew peggy. Fury was a young member of the shield being groomed by kellers and advised by Carter and stark. He was hardworking and ambitious, even with his low level job, Peggy and Stark took a liking to him. He watched Tony as a kid, and helped Peggy rescue him a few times from kidnappers. He was part of Tony’s life. Until stane stepped in. He knew stane was bad and was absolutely up to no good, but he wasn’t officially Tony’s anything. So he assigned people to watch over stark and make sure he didn’t hurt himself too bad. Tony was a little shit though, he didn’t take interference very well and while he didn’t really know shield he knew Fury was a spy somehow and was tailing him. So it was a game, and every so often, fury himself would tail stark until stark noticed him and kicked him out. Tony resented the fact that fury didn’t do direct contact, he could tell he was missed by the genius. And then Tony got kidnapped for longer than a week. Fury couldn’t divert everything to save his “nephew” but he put his best man on it. In the end it didn’t matter, because Tony was strong and smart and capable. He got himself out of there. And fury could establish contact now that he was Ironman. 

But Tony was still angry and still bitter, so he kept his distance and watched from afar. Natasha didn’t understand, neither did Maria or Coulson, until they met Tony. Until Tony let them into his life. And then they understood.

But that patriotic ass ruined it. It was his fault, Rogers took things at face value and immediately used the convoluted report on stark to judge him. A report he allowed, thinking it would force action. Rogers was a moronic idiot who managed to make Tony fall in love with him to use him and then ditched him like he was nothing. 

Fury was angry. He needed to fix this now. 

\--------------

Fury held a curled up Tony in his lap. They had been here before, when Tony was younger and less prickly. They sat by the window, looking at the stars. With Peter and Harley flanking their sides. Vision stood guard, afraid to join, still unsure of his place. 

\----------

When he had gotten here, the compound was quiet. An unnatural occurrence considering the strays Tony liked to keep. Strays like him. His coat flapped around him as he walked briskly into the compound. No alarms were sounded. Friday let him in, discreetly letting the rest of the family know Uncle Fury was here. He stopped just short of the living room. Breathing as quietly as possible trying to figure out what he was gonna say. 

“Some girl you got huh stark? She’s intelligent, fiery, protective, pretty, hate to hear about the hearts she breaks” he said as he sauntered into the room

All he got was a head tilt and a soft puff of air escaping Tony's nose. Almost a snort. But still silence. 

“She called me here. I'm sort of a last option guy, almost hurt my feelings before I realized you could never mean to hurt your favorite uncle's feelings.” still nothing. he sighed before looking at one of FRIDAYs cameras.

“FRIDAY, call reinforcements” 

“Yes Uncle Scar”

“Humph, she's sassy like you...... You got great kids tones. A family that needs you, that loves you..... So we’ll wait till you're ready, because your worth waiting for” the pauses were unintentional but it allowed more time for soft footfalls to sound on the plush rug-- two teens making their way to where fury stood. a hum caught fury's attention, but he paid no mind to it, obviously Vision wanted to be unnoticed by Tony. 

“Here Mr. Fury Sir” Peter stammered, handing him the device he and Harley made. 

“Do you know that your kids, all of them, made you this device so that they could get a sense of what your feeling. It uses Morse code to make vibrations in the bracelet of the wearers or it lets FRI translate for us. They made it because they know you're tired, and you're trying but that it's hard. They made it so you have the option to be heard without speaking. They made it because they love you. Can I?”

A slight nod gave Fury permission to gently place the device on Tony's temple. 

Slowly, Tony's hands shifted, as much as they could without fingers, and on the boy's bracelets “I love you too” was typed out. 

And then Fury picked Tony up and carried him to the ground next to the window. He placed the emancipated sickly figure on his lap.They had been here before, when Tony was younger and less prickly and less dying. They sat by the window, looking at the stars. With Peter and Harley flanking their sides. Vision stood guard, afraid to join, still unsure of his place. And Tony tapped the longest string of words since he had left the bunker.

“Am I broken?

Am I flawed?

Do I deserve a shred of worth or am I

Just another fake, fucked up lost cause?

And am I human?

Or am I something else?

'Cause I'm so scared and there's no one there

To save me from the nightmare that I call myself”

Fury placed his face in Tony's thinning hair and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VISION IS A FUCKIN CHILD. MAXIMOFF IS A GROWN ASS WOMAN. ALSO I HURT MYSELF WRITING THIS. ALSO FURY IS FUCKING TRYING.  
> ALSO the song is a broken by Anson Seabra. 
> 
> what do you call a cute clam shell with two pearls?>>>>> A H-ANSON SEABRA!!!!  
> call me daddy walrus


	5. broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tonys kinda dead now. rape/abuse warning

A note you wrote upon the shelf

The frozen air in Silverdale

My heart was breaking by the shore

And I couldn't give you any more

And I'm still shaking and crawling back again

And all my brothers and all my sisters are gone

Tony had the best family. He thought a lot about them. He was still mostly numb, but sometimes when he thought about his family, his hands would twitch on their own and “I love you” would appear on the wrist readers (wrist watchers according to Peter, who had a very long and very loud debate with Harley in front of tony. he personally liked wrist readers). He had the best family: Rhodes, Pepper, Peter, Harley, Christine, Helen, fury, even Strange. They all cared about him. But he was still too selfish to speak. Helen gave him a work up and determined he had more or less a year to live before his body would just be too decayed and weak to support itself. He only had a year to fix everything before he would leave. Leaving… was for the best. No one needed an unstable selfish ass for a father or friend. It was clear that all tony was good for was throwing his money around. There was so much to fix. So much he ruined. It was selfish to not speak, but he would not be selfish and forget about the things he broke. 

_Friday?_

“Yes da”

_I’m sorry_

“Me too”

_Can… can you help me. I need to fix things there so much to be fixed. I ruined a lot of people’s lives. Please Fri?_

“What do you need”

_Get me maria._

_\-------_

Maria Hill was slumped against the wall of a once pristine apartment. Fuck she had been found. Since the dump that Rogers and Romanov took, basically shitting on every good agents life and family, she was stuck picking up the pieces. Tony had helped, he hired basically everyone who refused to go back to shield and helped set her up so she could run point and go in when bodies were low.

before that, she never understood Fury's concern over tony. He was a chauvinistic ass who threw money everywhere. But she still tailed him as ordered. Tony didn’t really mesh with her well, she had preconceived ideas about him and while she didn’t buy into Nats report, she didn’t think he was the kind of guy she wanted as a friend. Partner, consultant, backer, yes. Friend, teammate, no. But then Coulson came back from dealing with Potts and Stark, and Stark had helped him out and was even nice to him. Stark was even one of the few he let know he was in-fact alive.

So she warmed up to him, but he was still an ass. 

Rogers had burned every agent bad _and_ good. Her friends, and coworkers died. She helped because she was ordered to, but when she got a call from stark… he showed her the numbers. There were few field agents that were Hydra, in fact, most of the higher up administrative positions were the ones who were Hydra. 20 fucking percent! That means it was possible to root them out if they had gone in calmly and trusted someone like Stark to help. 20 percent. A lot of good agents and families were murdered. A lot of agents in the field of undercover were murdered and tortured. Kids were killed or targeted. but it hadn't mattered to rogers or Nat

but tony came to the rescue. Literally. 

And that’s when Tony became a friend. Or at least someone she respected. He was willing to give jobs and pay for relocation and new identities. He made programs and placed them in charge. He gave Natasha a tongue lashing and told her to apologize personally to the families. She assumed he told Rogers the same, but when she brought up if he understood the consequences of his actions, Tony touched his cheek and said he knew. She never saw Rogers apologize. That should’ve been a sign. 

\----------

Here she was. Bruised but thankfully not bloody, another apartment messed up. She wondered if anyone had found Tony, but nobody answered the phone, and when they did, nobody knew what to tell her. A few weeks had passed since the stark announcement. The internet was going berserk and she was still getting beat up because of Rogers’s mistakes. 

She slid down the wall, out of breath, her head falling towards her knees. She was tired. A ring sounded through the apartment. _I have to get up._ her phone was too far away. _Ugh._

She pulled herself up and walked gingerly to her phone, “Hill speaking… oh hey, okay ill be there shortly. Hey Fri, do you mind sending someone over to clean up some mess… yea... thanks” she supposed _that_ answered her question. 

Tony _was_ alive. 

\-----------

Oh. 

This wasn’t what she expected when she found out Tony had lived. Normal Tony was like a cockroach; always springing up, hard to get rid of. But this tony sitting in front of her-- wasn’t tony. 

This tony didn’t speak. He had sunken eyes, chapped lips, was bone-thin with tubes coming out of him. This tony was finger-less and lifeless. This was not tony. 

A disgruntled-looking kid handed her a tablet and sat down beside tony. He shook his head rapidly at tony and his frown settled deeper. He crossed his arms and he made himself immovable on the couch. Not that tony could move him in the first place. His bracelet kept beeping but he refused to look at it. 

“Ms. Hill, Mr stark is unable to communicate verbally, however, I have provided you a tablet that will allow you to know what Boss is saying, and if you choose to accept Boss’s proposal, then you will receive a wrist gadget like the one Mr. Keener is wearing. If you are ready to proceed, simply nod your head at Boss” Friday said. Her voice professional and level. 

A baffled nod was gestured, and suddenly words appeared on the tablet. 

_Hello, maria. I… can’t speak. I’m dying, I have more or less a year. I’m just that lucky._ The slight twitch from Tony’s lips made her feel a bit of relief… some things didn’t change. 

_But there are a lot of things I need to fix before I go. I lost so many people by not being responsible enough. I need to fix what I broke._ He looked down at his hands. It was an ugly sight, Maria felt bile rising in her throat. Rogers did that. _I can’t do much, hands-on wise--_ another twitch-- _but you helped me after the dump and I know you can fix this too. I need to help the families affected by the fight. On your screen is a list of families and people that were directly affected by the events of the fight._ A list of names scrolled down her screen. 

The Barton family

Luis Cardenas

Kurt Ander

Dave Johnson

The Lang Family

The Wilson Family

The Pym Family

Charlie Floreae

The Popescu Family

The Muller Family

The Schmidt Family

The Fischer Family

The list went on and on. Some she recognized from the news, others she hadn’t even realized would be affected by the actions of the fight. Of course, the idiots on Rogers team hadn’t realized that they put their families in danger. But Tony was on the other side, he lost a great deal more than these so-called teammates; and yet, he cared for them-- or at the very least, their families. 

_I’ve got pepper on the money side of things: lawsuits, delegation, accords, etc. but, I need someone hands on to coordinate the rescue of the families indirectly affected by this… fight. They did nothing wrong. But I have intel that Ross is coming for them and so are many other countries. Angry countries. Countries with money and resources and an American political figure to back them up. So I need you and Fri to coordinate the rescue. Don’t apologize to them for me, I need to do that. Just get them here so we can set them up somewhere of their choosing._

“ what do you need to apologize for?”

“That’s what I said!” the boy, a Mr. Keener apparently, said. His glare seemed harsh but anyone could see it was more about what was said and not against Tony. 

_It was my fault things went the way did. Regardless, can you help?_ She looked at. Really looked at him. He was dying and depressed and ashamed. He was like this because, why? 

“Why didn’t you call” she needed to know why she wasn’t called about this or to help. It hurt more than she would like to admit. 

He seemed startled, well as startled as an emotional unresponsive mute person could be

_I- I don’t know. It was hard enough to have everyone surrounding me. I didn’t want you to blame me or have you disappointed in me, not that I would blame you if you were._

She couldn’t look at him as he spoke, she focused on his hands, the seemingly erratic twitching. It hurt to see him like this. But it was selfish to focus on her feelings and not on Tony’s words.

“I am disappointed. But I don’t blame you. I am disappointed in your teammates and in the fact that you didn’t call me. But I don’t blame you.”she huffed out about before walking away; swiping a bracelet wrist thingy off the counter and shouting ‘call me’.

It was better to act normal, Tony didn’t need more gentle hands, he needed someone who would give it to him straight and show him he’s appreciated without babying him. So she walked away-- plus it was better not to let him see her red eyes and quivering lips. 

I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that I cared

I'm sorry that the feeling shows and I just wasn't there

I'm reminded of the fool I was

I cut you off and fucked it up again

I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that I cared

(rape/abuse scene)

Tony wanted to touch his cheek. But he didnt have fingers. The bruise on his left cheek wasn’t from the fight, or not the one in germany or siberia. It was from before. It was from steve. 

The first time had been accidental. Or he’d like to think so. He said something un-thoughtful and sarcastic and Steve had been fed up and backhanded him. It was his fault mostly. He made a caustic comment about something in the past about steve not remembering his birthday. He said something about Barnes, if steve forgot _his_ birthday like he forgot tony's. And steve had backhanded him. It hurt like a bitch despite it not even being steve dominant hand. Tony had almost flew onto the floor and steve was on him, apologizing and promising it would never happen again. a lie. Tony brushed off, he said it was okay and left to the bathroom. The bruise was… fuck… it was ugly. And it stayed. A stain on Tonys face. When he came out of the shower clean and fresh, steve came up to him and kissed him softly. An apology, and then he took tony to the bed and fucked him gently. Except, instead of having tony on his back so that he could look at him, he guided tony on all fours and pushed his face into the bed-- his cheek out of sight.

The next morning, he stepped out into the kitchen to get coffee when a sharp inhale alerted him that someone noticed the bruise. Natasha crossed the kitchen quickly and cupped his face gently. 

“Who did this to you” she growled. Tony looked over her should to see steve watching, his fist curled and his eyes flashing with a warning. 

“Ah- uh steve! we had a spontaneous sparring sesh. Geez, Nat! Don’t squeeze too hard, I know you like to be only one marking me but I can’t make any promises anymore” he said this with a wink and a grin. She looked at him seriously before dropping her hand. She gave a slight nod before smirking back at him

“Ugh, you caught me! I wanted to have you all to myself” she purred sarcastically

Steve looked tense, they hadn’t told anyone yet they were really dating. It was out though, Tony did his best to not look unsettled for what would happen next. 

That was the first time. The next couple of times… hurt more. 

Steve went with him to the gala, his date, but he didn’t like how tony schmoozed his guest. He didn’t understand it was part of his job and public persona. The car ride back to the penthouse was silent. The only thing that could be heard was steves breaths and the small whimpers tony made as steve squeezed his thigh. It wasn’t a fun squeeze, or a sexy squeeze, it was a wait till we get home squeeze. 

The journey to their private quarters was awful. Steve practically crushed tonys hand as they made their way to steves room. He yanked tony to him before wrapping his hand around tonys throat. He couldnt breathe. 

“What the fuck did you think you were doing? Hmm? Who do you think you are? To be whoring around in front of me? I own you! You dirty gold-digging slag! You think youre even pretty enough to do that. Do you think that your even good enough to do that and get away with it? Huh? ANSWER ME!”

Tony shook his head, unable to get the words out. This wasn’t sexy commanding steve. This wasn’t what he wanted. 

“The only thing you are is a bed warmer, and your not even that good. Your a whore who has been used by everyone. You’re a good for nothing old man. I bet every person at the ball had you huh? You know who, people want pure people. Nobody marries a slut. I bet you think i could even love you. Youre just good for nothing but whoring yourself out” steve kept screaming in tonys ears. Choking him. Before unzipping their pants. 

“ no steve. M’tired. No. le’ me go to m’room” tony slurred. His eyes popping open when he felt steves penis about to breach his hole. 

“No Steve!” he tried to push away from steve but he held tony against the wall cutting off his airway. 

“Shut up” tony was blacked out, already drunk and and traumatized. Steve left him in the bed with his pants still at the ankles and his blood seeping on his sheets. 

The next morning, steve woke him up cheerfully. Tony was confused and tried to scramble away. 

“Tsk, baby where are you going. Don’t you see the breakfast I brought you” steve smile was bright and warm but his eyes were glacial. 

“.... you raped me.” 

“Tony, love, I did not rape you. Last night, I got a little jealous I’ll admit, especially after you talked to that doctor man, but we had sex. Albeit, very rough sex, you were asking for it. But I’m sorry if I hurt you and if I made you unhappy. You did come though.” he looked at tony expectantly, his arms bracing the bed. 

“I- I had said no”

“Well yeah at first, but then you stopped complaining and you even came”

“Oh.” tony didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand if maybe steve didn’t understand consent or if he really had been asking for it. Tony did have a penchant for rough sex. But this felt different, this felt sinister.

No. steve was good, steve was kind, he even apologized. 

“Aren’t you gonna apologize to me?” steve asked after a beat. A smile on his lips that seemed edgier. “You were asking for it, baby. Besides I love you I would never hurt you” 

Tony’s throat felt dry, he was unsure of what to say. He smiled an unconvincing smile and apologized to steve. It was forced but he needed to get out of the room to think. 

\----------

Despite this setback, tony loved steve. Steve never raped tony. Besides they were men, tony could easily call a suit or tell someone he didn’t like it. Except, Steve was always with him; when he wasn’t taking secret missions that is. 

Tony learned what steve liked, that he surprisingly liked it rougher than tony. He liked to slap and choke. Secretly tony thought steve liked him to bleed. It made Tony run to the bathroom after sex and cry in the shower as he tended to the bruises. Tony learned to moan and if he really didn’t want sex to move out of steves way the whole day. Sometimes steve would be gentle, he would take his time with tony and even hug him during sex, whispering words into his back. Once even he let tony suck him off, but when he moaned a name that was decidedly not Tony’s he never let him again.

During the day, steve would pepper kisses and hold tony’s hand. Occasionally he’d stick up for tony when Wanda said something cruel. It was good. Tony never questioned anything and he kept to himself mostly. The bad days seemed normal-- like preparation for their marriage. He heard that marriage had good and bad days. It was normal. It hurt sometimes and he had to wear more makeup than usual but Steve wanted tony and tony loved Steve. 

This pillow case smells of you

And time itself stops to prove

And for a moment, nothing changed

And everything stays the same

And I'm still shaking and crawling back again

And all my brothers and all my sisters are gone

The first night back, they tried to put tony back into his old room, the one he shared with Steve. His heart rate went berserk and he started to turn a strange shade of purple. Immediately, peter carried tony out the room and into his room in the other wing. Tony's heart rate turned normal as he took in the random stuff peter brought from the penthouse to here. It was clearly temporary because tony never let peter stay at the compound, but it was better than his and steves old room. Nobody knew what had happened but it clear that the old room and anything in it were not good for tony. 

Regardless as tony laid there unable to sleep, he swore he could still smell Steves pillowcase. It always smelled of sweat and old spice. He hated that Steve was still there and that he still loved Steve. 

\-----------

Laura had the same problem. Clint had left. It didn’t matter how noble it seemed-- he had left. She rolled over her side, stroking Clints pillow. She hated him.

Earlier that week, Lila had looked at her and asked her if she was the reason that daddy left. If she had been a bad girl. She had even asked if Wanda was his new daughter. Those were not questions a child should ask. She hated Clint. She was scared too. Clint was their protector, and while she technically could fight, she was out of shape and her kids always came first. A low humming sound came from near her window. She neared her window and looked out. A figure was arriving at her doorstep. Female, another was coming from the side towards the woman. 

She crept down the stairs and loaded an old bow left behind. She tensed, her position ready for them to barge in. her mind racing as she thought of how fast she was gonna need to get the kids ready so they could make a run for it. 

A knock. 

Unexpected, and more stressful. 

She hesitated before dropping the bow and grabbing a hand gun. 

She opened the door partially and peeked out. Maria?

“Hey, Laura”

I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that I cared

I'm sorry that the feeling shows and I just wasn't there

I'm reminded of the fool I was

I cut you off and fucked it up again

I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that I cared

I left the light on so you could see me in the dark

But then it blinded us and left us who we are

I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that I cared

I'm sorry that the feeling shows and I just wasn't there

I'm reminded of the fool I was

I cut you off and fucked it up again

I'm sorry that I let you go, I'm sorry that I cared

Tony couldn’t sleep. 

he laid there and punished himself because Steve wasn’t there to do it. And he deserved to be punished. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one is really short, but it took a lot out of me to write this. sorry. it was meant to be longer and less about tony. but im gonna have to do a part two. also can yall reccomend songs to be the muse of the chapter.  
> broken- aquilo  
> im sorry, also call me daddy walrus.


	6. broken pt2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the rescue is underway

A knock. 

Unexpected, and more stressful. 

She hesitated before dropping the bow and grabbing a handgun. 

She opened the door partially and peeked out. Maria?

“Hey, Laura” maria said, she had one finger on her lips, a hand splayed out towards the other figure, stopping him, and then a sizzling sound passed through the house. 

“Maria? Wha- what are you doing here.” quickly getting over her confusion, laura made her tone cool. She didn’t know who to trust after all

“To check up on you, and let you know Ross and several other countries are on their way to use you as bait. Tony and I-”

“Ms. maria Hill, er Ms.Hill. uh i checked the perimeter and KAREN scanned, ross is like 20 minutes out and i beat up like five scouts and i think one of them noticed me and” peter let out, not breathing through his whole proclamation. An amused smile graced Maria’s lips. softer then what Laura remembered. 

“Spider-man? You were with tony” laura inquired

“Yes ma’am”

“Against my husband”

A nervous laugh left peter “er yes ma’am”

laura nodded and let it rest, she had more pressing things to ask.

“What are you doing with tony Maria? Did they found him after all? I thought he was dead?” laura definitely had more questions but she was confused. 

“Look we have less than 20 minutes before thunderass finds us, so I’ll answer your questions in the quinjet. Get the kids unless you want to end up in a foreign country jail cell, keep it low because Ross can’t know we’re evacuating and he might still have bugs” maria’s amused smile was long gone, her commanding tone reminding laura of their unfortunate reality. 

She left the door open and scrambled up the stairs to wake the kids. She had go bags prepared but Nate was a baby, and she needed to dose him so he wouldn’t make a sound. 

“Cooper! Lila! Get the go bags NOW! I’ll explain on the plane, we need to leave. Coop help lila check the bag just like we practiced” with orders whisper shouted and the gun stuffed into the back of her pants, she ran to the medicine cabinet to dose Nate. she hated to do this but Nate was a screamer and would definitely be picked up if ross had surveillance on the house. She held a hand over his lips and gently pushed the needle into his foot. Maria looked at her curiously, before nodding and moving on to check the rest of the house. 

She was handed an earpiece by Spider-man, and a young female Irish voice was heard. 

“Hello Mrs. Barton, I am FRIDAY, I will assisting this evacuation. Please direct you and your children to the back door of your house. Go into the shed and there you will see a small opening in the top, climb to the opening and enter into the aircraft. The cloaking tech will leave you virtually invisible and General Ross will assume you hid out in the shed. Please move quickly and discreetly”

“Thanks, Fri. we will do last checks but you can go ahead,” Spider-man said to laura. He seemed less nervous now that the gravity of the situation settled in. 

She led the kids to the shed. fuck, only last year were the avengers hiding out here and now what was left of them were taking her to hide. 

She boosted cooper and Lila up the ladder, passing the bags and Nate before climbing up herself. 

“Hello, again Mrs.Barton-

“Laura please” she interrupted absentmindedly. Amazed at the technology in front of her

“Yes of course, please strap in. Ms.Hill and Spider-man will be here shortly.”

Shortly was five minutes later, and they were off. Hill seemed to be teaching Spider-man how to pilot, and he held onto every word… very puppy-like. the whole event was confusing and strange. she felt a headache building in the front of her head. 

She closed her eyes  _ look what you got us into Clint! _

\------------

Friday was surprised at the easy task of rescuing the Bartons. With Clint Barton’s caustic behavior, she assumed Mrs. Barton would be angry too or at the very least influenced. The Pyms and Langs, however, had been an ordeal that gave her a binary headache. 

\-----------

“Get the fuck out of my house” screamed Hank Pym. Rhodes remembered him, he was one grudge-holding son-of-a-gun with a stick up his ass. He hated Howard and translated that hate to tony. It was no wonder why Scott was so okay with joining Rogers. 

“You are under threat, I am to bring you to safety. These were protocols set in place by Mr.Stark in the case that he is… indisposed.” Vision had the patience of a saint, he didn’t know how he did it. Rhodes was watching this remotely using War Machine to do what his legs couldn’t: walk. He was already annoyed. 

“Look, Ms. Pym-” he started

“Van Dyne”

A pause. That was an entrance. “Look Ms.Van Dyne, Tony knew that should the events that happen unfold, there would be a lot of people out for blood. Now tony is checking up on all the families of the Rogue Avengers and offering protection. We are even headed to the Lang Family and to Mr. Langs’s friends. We understand the lack of affections held by your Father towards tony, but this is truthfully for your Safety”

“Okay”

“What the fuck!” Hank screeched

They ignored the outraged older man and settled on a plan, hope would get everything valuable and they would be ready in 5 minutes. 

The sour man reluctantly agreed and waited while his daughter scrambled to get everything. 

Vision led them to the cloaked jet and they set off for the Lang family. 

\----------

The headache didn’t come from just Hank Pym, it also came from Scotts friends. 

“So like, scotty called me up and he was like “yo homie, i just scored big, your right you contact did want me” and i was like “of course they wanted you scotty” And so he was like “im gonna do something so big”, and i woke up the next morning and scotty was a international fugitive! and we were all like “what?” And maggie came over and was “oh my god scotty is like totally in trouble and like luis you have to protect us your so smart!” And i was like “dont worry mamas i gotchu” and then this morning kurt woke me up and said “we might be in danger” and i was like “whaaa?” And then yp these guys showed up and they were like “our master requires your presence” and they’re like “you’re in danger” and we went into this invisible machine and honestly last night I smoked a lot of weed so I might be tripping. Oooooo are we on a collective trip, that would be wild one time me and my cousins Alberto, Lisa, Mario, Ruiz, Roco, maria, auri, Leo, and like twenty other ones took a collective trip and it was wild we saw the like the world on a different plane of existence. Ya, that’s kinda what this is like and hey Mr red man-”

A groan could be heard from the cockpit, and while Rhodey was technically not there, he was supervising and linked to the jet _and_ its speakers. 

\-----------

“Why are we doing this”

“Because tony asked us to. Stop asking questions”

That was the whole ride for Harley and Happy. 

The Wilsons were picked up and relocated to a safe-house close to the compound but not so much that they felt too far from New York City. 

\------------

Maria and FRIDAY gather all of the families in the lobby of the compound and opened the feed to Wilson’s safe-house. She gave them a quick once over, the only evac that seemed to be extremely critical was the Bartons. But all of them were tired and scared. 

“Would you like to discuss the situation now or would you prefer a debrief tomorrow in the morning” 

The consensus was ‘now’. They were tired, and confused, and in need of reassurance.

“Ross was coming for you. He needed bargaining chips against the Fugitive Avengers. Unfortunately, your family members’ views on the accords made a lot of people uncomfortable. Their altercation with the remaining Avengers and their escape from the Raft made them fugitives. Your lives were in danger, now we have several options. FRIDAY if you please?” Maria said, handing over the debrief to the competent Ms. Friday

“Certainly-” the room lit up with holographic screens, “Option A- you can stay in the compound or Tower apartments until the situations pass and it is deemed safe enough for you to return. Option B, You are set up in various safe-houses in whatever part of the country you like and given temporary or permanent new Identities. Option C- you return to your homes and resume the lives you had, regardless of the possibilities.” Fridays voice was crisp. She seemed uncomfortable. 

“I believe that this situation is not an easy one to make, take your time.”

“No need, we’re staying here. And I want to see tony” laura declared. She stood up from the lounge sofa and crossed her arms

“Yes I agree, its temporary, and I’m staying. And I have words for Mr. Stark” Hope also declared

The langs and Scott’s friends decided on a safe house nearby to the tower, not comfortable with a superhero base and the Wilsons decided to keep the house they were currently in.

“I’m not sure if speaking with Mr. Stark is the best course of actions, perhaps-”

gasps echoed through the room. The slight squeak of wheels signaled the reason behind the shocked expressions. Maria turned towards stark 

“Friday keep a screen for our guest”

“Certainly Ms.Hill” Fridays voice had gone defensive and cold. More so than the crisp professional tones earlier. 

“Tony, what happened to you?” laura couldn’t keep the disbelief out of her voice. She wrapped her hands around her form. 

Hope watched as stark rolled towards them, he was nothing like she expected. To be honest, she hadn’t even known he had been found. It is clear that the state of him is being kept a secret. She saw what was left of his hand twitch, it was… disconcerting. 

“I believe you had something to tell me before you do, I would like to apologize. I know this situation is less than ideal and I absolutely know that you would not like to be in the same presence as the man who fought your family members. I’m sorry for my actions and inaction. There were a great many things I wish I had done differently and I am so sorry that I have to wish in the first place.” 

Laura was close to tears. Tony had always been vibrant and loud, and this was not tony. Friday had to speak for him, the words appearing on the screen for those who rather read. 

“I wanted to say thank-you. Because you were on the other side, and yet, you came back. Kids, what do you we say?” laura managed to get out. 

“Thank you Uncle tony,” the barton kids said unanimously. 

“I also wanted to thank you, there is no love lost between us, and yet you have rescued us from possible humiliation and unjust treatment” hope interjected.

Laura hesitantly made her way towards Tonys figure, Maria’s nod was slight but gave her the permission she needed. She cupped Tonys cheek, looked into his eyes, and saw the brightness of unshed tears. She placed her lips softly on Tony’s bruised cheek. And said whispered, “don’t you dare apologize again”. 

The silence and uncomfortable feelings made everyone avert their eyes. Hank was gobsmacked. Hope was unsettled. And the Luis was finally silent. 

Maria clapped her hands together once and said, “Okay, if everyone is ready, Friday can guide you to the suites. Each suite has three rooms, two baths, and a small kitchenette” the hallway to the suits lit up at the guest moved to a hopefully peaceful sleep. 

\----------

Tony was confused. 

He had expected yelling disappointed people. Not the kindness and open empathy he actually received. He didn’t think he deserved it, it was unusual for him. 

Friday guided the wheelchair back to peters room. When Peter got back from the locker room, he lifted tony back onto the bed and held tony in his arms. 

It was more than what tony deserved. It was more than he expected. 

\-----------

Pepper was usually so composed. She always had everything control, she even mastered her Extremis body (with the help of tony of course). But you can’t control what you don’t understand. And she did not understand what was happening. With tony, with Rhodey, with herself, and with the internet. 

Somehow, a leaked photo of tony on a Wakandan-examining table was posted all over the internet. People went berserk. They were baying for the fugitive avenger’s blood. Most specifically-- Rogers blood. The ring on tonys finger was still there in the photo and they were disgusted at rogers disregard for Tonys life. She wondered if this had anything to do with the reaction of their new guest to tony. She had an inkling that the leak was from someone in the compound after they saw how empathetic the family members of the rogues were towards tony. 

Regardless, flowers were being left at the bottom of Stark Tower, and everywhere people built monuments of tony in and out of the suit. Get well signs and tweeted prayers were common on all social media feeds. The news was having specials talking about the grand sacrifices of tony and his best moments. There were sympathizers of the fugitives, but practically everyone around the world held their breath hoping that tony would survive. 

Surprisingly the lawsuits were at a minimum towards Tony, most against rogers. She and Hope the next day set up how to save Pym Technologies and bring in good press. They were moving on, and they were going to crush everyone who stood in their way.

She went softly to peters room to tell tony; he laid there asleep cradled by peter. Still skinny, still sickly, but he was finally asleep. She smiled and left the room. 

\------------

“Today we will be showing IronMans greatest sacrifices-”

“Look at the engagement ring on his hand! We all knew Captian Terrorist and IronMan were together, so its probably their engagement ring. And yet look at Tony’s state. He blue, hypothermia, his fingers are completely frozen-- frostbite”

“We forget that IronMan is human, he has no serum, unlike his murderous fiance”

“In a surprising turn of events, Pym Technologies has publicly renounced Scott Lang and is collaborating with SI to make amends for what happened in Germany. More later tonight at 6-”

“Turn that shit off Scott” clint grumbled,

“Language,” steve said weakly

“Shut the fuck up,” Wilson told him sharply

Nothing was said after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, this was ugh, gross.   
> no song


	7. When the Party's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some flashbacks another look into steve and tonys relationship.

_Don't you know I'm no good for you?_

_I've learned to lose you, can't afford to_

_Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'_

_But nothin' ever stops you leavin'_

“He’s not good for you,” Wanda said quietly. Her mouth hovering next to his ear. He flicked his head away from her, both looking at the figure laughing in the distance. 

“I know,” he said, his face grim.

“Do you? If you did, you would leave him. You could do much better than him.”

“He’s very beautiful. Brown hair, beautiful skin. He’s more slender and shorter than what I would like, but he’s sarcastic and a brunette”

“There are many beautiful people in the world. Besides, you slept with Sharon and she was blonde.”

“Don’t get fussy Wanda. Sharon was a mistake and I didn't sleep with her. I’m committed to Tony and I love him. Maybe he could be better, but I’m teaching him. Tonight, I’m gonna make him mine”

“And what about Barnes, what about me. You know he doesn’t like me, what if he tried to poison you against me”

“That won’t happen. And Bucky, when Tony is more agreeable and I’ll bring him in. and we’re gonna be a family”

Wanda watched as steve walked away. She didn’t understand why Steve would want someone like Tony. He was a murderer and a whore. He killed people and profited from it. He was handsome sure, but he was mouthy and vulgar. He was a man. Steve could have anyone, he could have her. But he chose people who reminded him of the past. Tony… Sharon. At least, steve was milking him for his money. Even if he didn’t realize it. Steve was too good to intentionally manipulate tony. But that didn’t mean she was. 

\--------------

Tony laughed at the pervert women touching his arm. She was flirty and old, but she was rich and willing to spend. Plus she knew that the Captian America had staked his claim on him. 

“Ms. Elise, are you trying to steal my boyfriend? I can have you arrested for that” Steve said, wrapping his arm around Tony’s middle. His smile belayed the edgy words. Tony warmed. It felt good that steve acknowledged their relationship in public, even more so, the gentle arm around his middle. It was a promise of sweet sex. 

He excused himself from the group with a promise of drinks. _Fuck_ , Wanda was at the bar, no matter, he would put a brave face. He felt her presence next to him before she made herself known.

“Tony! Hey,” she greeted. Coming towards him with a smile. Like Godzilla. 

“Ms. Wanda Maximoff, how is our very own Starfire?” he said, his grimace becoming a grin. His tone cheery. 

“Fabulous party, I’m so glad you are doing your part to make up for your sins,” she hissed in his ear, pressing him into a hug. Anyone on the outside would think it was an embrace between teammate, friends even. It wasn’t. It was a message.

He tried to back out of her arms, but as he stepped back, her grip on his arms held. His mouth parted slightly. The lack of red tint proving it was real, not a conjured memory to fuck with him. 

_Steve agreed with her. He thought I was trainable. Steve slept with Sharon?_ And his parted lips set into a sarcastic smile. He tipped her head to him and left to think about what happened.

In his aimless wanderings, he ran into a person he’d been trying to avoid. 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” a statement, one he was just thinking. 

“McDreamy! Of course, I haven’t! I’ve been busy and shit”

“With steve” 

“Amongst other things. It’s not personal Stephen”

“Except it is-” he ground out, “it is because I loved you, and then you didn’t love me back, not in the way that I wanted and you felt guilty and pining over someone else. So I left, for me because of the accident, and for you. And I’ve been back for a while and I miss my friend”

Tony sighed. Wanting to scrub a hand over his face, but they were in public. So he offered a smile and asked him a question that meant nothing and everything.

“Let’s dance”. 

_Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own_

_I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_

_I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_

He rode back to the compound in the limo with steve, Maximoff, and Nat; everyone else had dipped earlier or were on missions. He would typically be pressed into Steves side, but tonight he etched away from him. Steve was mad too. He didn’t know Stephen, Thank God or else he would’ve been beaten to the pulp, but he didn’t like people touching tony-- much less dancing with him. Nat was next to Maximoff, giggling, pretending to be drunk. Anyone who really knew her knew that she hadn’t been drunk since her time in the Red Room. And Maximoff was roving her eyes between Tony and Steve. She looked nervous. Wanda made a joke about Tony hoarding all the good alcohol before grazing his hand to reach past him. Another quip about his unsavory past before Nat ribbed her. Steve was tense and his eyes bored into tony. 

\-----------

He thought tonight would be gentle, he needed gentle, but steve was angry. He tried to excuse himself but that would not work tonight it seemed. Steve pushed tony to his room. 

“Who were you dancing with?” steve questioned. His growl scaring Tony. 

“Oh, an old friend of mine, very rich. Likes art and charity so we frequently rubbed elbows”

Steve looked unconvinced. 

“Why didn’t you come back to me? I was waiting and when i turned to the bar i saw that you had gone and you were dancing with that man who kept staring at your back” steve made his voice quieter, but that always meant he was preparing for something. He turned himself away from tony, facing the windows that lined the bedroom. 

“I had a chat with Wanda, I was upset, so i went off and i happened to run into Stephen” tony said. He wondered why he was upset, but he figured Wanda always made him upset. Still the feeling of missing something very important didn’t leave his conscience. Steve whipped his head towards Tony, a panic rising in him. _bucky._

“What did you speak about” steve said, his voice sharp. He looked at tony with a scrutinizing gaze.

“I- I dont even remember” he said. It was weird that he didn’t remember. Steve looked angry, disappointed. 

Tony closed his eyes, awaiting a slap or even a bruising kiss to add to the pain of steve disappointment. He only heard fading footsteps. He opened his eyes and looked at where steve stood. He saw no one there except his reflection on the windows. A tear rolled down his face. Steve hated him, he shouldn’t have danced with Stephen and he shouldn’t have mentioned Wanda. Steve probably went to go hang out with Wanda-- someone he actually wanted. 

He left the compound and made his way to the compound. No one was home though. Pepper was out and rhodey was on a mission. Peter was with may and Harley was in Tennesee. Helen in some conference in Japan, and Christine angry at him for ditching his friends for steve. And steve didn’t even want him. 

He drove thought New York in silence. He didn’t even think. He just drove home quietly. When he got there, and no one greeted him, he sighed. 

_Don't you know too much already?_

_I'll only hurt you if you let me_

_Call me friend but keep me closer (call me back)_

_And I'll call you when the party's over_

Steve came back two weeks later. Apologies already spilling from his lips the moment he walked into Tonys penthouse. They were unnecessary of course. It was tonys fault everything had happened. He didn’t say anything. He just smiled and pressed his face into Steves solid chest. Steve knew how to hurt him, knew the things to say and the things to do to make tony bleed. But Tony still let him. Because he needed steve. later, he would marvel at the ring on his hand. delicate and pretty. evidence steve loved him, wanted him. 

_Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own_

_And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_

_Yeah, I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_

_He was my_ _friend”_

_“So was I”_

Except, they were more than friends, they were closer, entangled with limbs and blood and organs. Tony needed steve to breathe, to feel alive, to make his heart beat. Steve was tony’s muse, his love. They were so entangled in each other, but it was clear now, weeks after being left in the bunker-- that it was tony wrapping himself around steve. They were only entangled because steve wanted to get out. The party was over, the games and fun were over, they were over.

Tony looked at the ring still on his finger. It was thin, with small diamonds. He had cut himself once with them, blood dripping off his face from where the diamond grazed his skin. Then, he thought it was random. Now he thought it was poetic, a reminder that he had always bled for steve. He used to lie to himself and say he wanted to bleed for Steve, that he wanted to give steve everything he wanted. Okay with an empty house and screams and blood. That he wanted it, that he _liked_ it. 

_But nothin' is better sometimes_

_Once we've both said our goodbyes_

_Let's just let it go_

_Let me let you go_

_Quiet when I'm comin' home and I'm on my own_

_I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_

_I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that_

He wanted to let go of everything himself. To sever the tie. But he knew he couldn’t. Caught in a trap his enemy had set, bound to him. Entangled in a man who wanted nothing to do with him, who hated him. _God,_ he wanted to leave. But it was impossible. It would be cutting his heart out, his everything. 

It was quiet in the compound. _He_ was quiet. He liked it like that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh it was short, but honesty I didn't want to go to out of character for steve, the rape scene was already too much. I genuinely like him but I do believe he abused tony. he abused his relationship with him, he abused tonys money and giving heart, and he emotionally degraded him. so the rape scene was a bit much, but the rest is very on-brand.  
> could yall comment more, even negative stuff, it kinda warms my heart to see your feedback.


	8. How to Save a Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year has passed since they found tony in the bunker. Vision and friday have a long talk about their identity, and friday convinces vision to try therapy. Feeling restless the stark kids and shuri wake up a baby AI installed in BARF that was given to james as a thankyou for helping tony. James is infinitely lonely as he refuses to see steve and doesnt want to taint the young king and princess. During a session, the BARF AI awaken and james is startled to learn that tony made it for him. Shuri assures james that the AI wont hurt him and needs to be nurtured. James is spooked but eventually comes to care for the AI. using the AI to observe him, the stark kids decide that they could kickstart tony by bring James to the compound.  
> Tony is regularly visited by the children of barton, lang, and his own kids. All of them become increasingly protective of tony and begin calling him varying names such as uncle and dad. Laura is angry and hurt and anxious to repay tony is whatever way he can. May tired of being kept out of the dark becomes tony’s part-time nurse.

Step one, you say we need to talk

He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left, and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

“I thought he would be better by now, I do not understand” Vision sat in his safe space, the kitchen, talking seemingly to no one. 

“Viz, he needs help and he doesn’t know how to fix himself” Friday responded softly, afraid to break Viz. 

“He is the Mechanic! He is our creator if he cannot be fixed, does that mean that I cannot either?”

“No! Do not ever say you are unfixable. Da would not like that, he needs help, you need help. Viz please let yourself be fixed. I know you are ashamed and confused by your fears and emotions, but Viz, Da put his life in us! And we have the responsibility to take care of it and nurture it and that means you need to seek professional help.” 

Only silence could be heard after FRIDAY’s outburst. She felt for her brother, even though technically they were uploaded at the same time, she could see that the events that transpired deeply wounded her brother's core matrix. 

The silence continued until Viz looked at one of her sensors and whispered a quiet “okay”. 

\----------------

Hours had passed after their initial conversation. Viz still sat in his place of sanctity.

“Do you think… do you… do”

_Yes_

“But I am not like you, I was borne out of evil to destroy it, I am all-knowing, and I have indescribable power”

_Does that make you less of a child? Less his child? And do not over inflate your ego brother, I was born to assist good, I am also all-knowing, I control everything in this compound and many others,_ I Have _indescribable power._

“You are correct, sister, but I am supposed to be above all of this humanity, yet before I longed for it”, he answered with a nod. 

A screen pulled up with a recipe, double espresso chocolate cake. Confusion settled upon his face, why did FRIDAY send him this. 

_Make it. And while you do, I will speak and you will listen ja?_

He nodded his acquiesce. 

_Just now, you were confused. Yes? Confusion is human. Just now you doubted your place in our family. Doubt is human. Just now you confessed to me. Confession is human. Just now you confessed your longing to me. To long is human. You and I may never be fully human. That is true. But our father is human, and he gave us life, therefore, logically, we are partly human. Our soul, which cannot be ascribed to the oven you will use or the holo-screen that just appeared is a human ability--a trait. We have souls, not because of our intelligence, artificial or not, nor because of your android form; but because of a man who gave a piece of his soul to us. He is Da. He is father. He is a Soul-Giver. He is Tony._

“FRIDAY, are you aware I cannot cook?” Vizion looked at his creation with a baleful sigh. 

All that could be heard was what seemed to be an interpretation of a giggle and flashing yellow lights. 

\--------------------

  
  
  
  
  


Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

“Do you know what you’re doing!?” Peter's voice was high and nervous. Which if everyone was being honest, was pretty close to how he always was. 

“Dude, stop being a pussy and let her work” Harley said, nonplussed by the tension in the room. 

“Do you doubt my skills, white boy?” Shuri rebutted to peter. mumbling something that sounded vaguely similar to ‘fucking white colonizers’. 

They all looked at the holo-screen in front of them and at Shuri's face while she worked. The stark kids were there, Harley, Peter, and apparently Cooper and Lila too. Shuri was still halfway across the world so they did the Stark equivalent of Facetime. 

They were angsty, this was apparent to all the adults. 

Subtweeting Captain Ass and his friends only made it all the more obvious. Or in Harley's case, blatantly calling him out. 

  
  


Harley_Is_Keen@TheMechanic

Fuck Captain Ass

PlsRearrangeMyGuts@CapSlut

Thats America’s Ass! TRUMP2020

AHHH_THERES_A_SPIDER@spideyboy

that makes so much more sense! TURNIP2020

  
  


But Shuri had a plan to get them distracted while the adults worked on fixing Uncle Stark. Not that she would ever call him that to his face. She had pride of course. 

Barnes was getting worse, he wanted to go back into the ice but that would only reverse any progress made. So the Stark kids (“really Shuri, that's a stupid name and don't act like you don't want to join.” Harley intoned. “Fine… I am a stark kid” Shuri replied sassily)

A little sigh went off in her head. _Let's try this again_

So the Stark Kids… including Shuri… decided the genius idea of waking up another AI and gifting to Barnes. It will provide an undemanding companion and some hope that if the Stark Kids can forgive him then so can Tony. 

IronBoys…&Girls@StarksKids

I'm sorry Shuri I didn’t mean to be sexist it just sounded cool ow dude stopksnlamnososhitk.;s.

IronKids@StarksKids

The name sounds redundant but our supervisor and leader supreme made us change it @SHURE. We would like to make an announcement. Look out for our video

Chill_Daddy@SHURE

Yes, it is true, we as quasi children of Tony Stark have decided to extend forgiveness towards a fossil for being manipulated by another fossil. The fossil in question is James Buchanan Barnes--we forgive you. 

News@TheDailyBugle

BREAKING NEWS! 

TONY STARK ALIVE

TONY STARK'S CHILDREN 

CAPTAIN AMERICA RESPONSIBLE FOR DISAPPEARANCE!

WouldntYouLikeToKnow@WeatherBoy

Well fuck 

“Well, fuck is right! Peter, what were you thinking? We weren’t ready to answer all the questions” Pepper said tiredly. Her initial anger seemed to have left until _someone_ cleared their throat. 

“And you! Shuri, Honey I know you want to help but c’mon! And King T’challa, would you so kindly explain why Barnes is not under ice yet?”

“Well, it would seem tha-” 

“Thank you brother, I will explain, seeing as I am the leading scientist in this case. We do not want to reverse any positive progress that has been made in Sgt. Barnes case. We in fact would like to offer him an outlet of sort and-”

“Actually, we already gave him the outlet” “PETER!” “wHAT? yOU said it was BeTTer tO AsK ForGIVeness thAn FOr pErmISSioN” 

A collective groan followed by a chuckle swept the room. 

The offenders all stood in the front of the room chuckling weakly. 

Rhodey looked to the sky with his fingers pinching the space between his nose and forehead. “ _Just like you, Tones,”_ he thought painfully. 

Laura looked at her children bemused with how taken they were with tonys kids and the tony himself. 

From the holo-screen, T'challa looked at his kid sister with a growing smirk. She was a headache, but at least a charming one. 

“Ms. Pepper I know it seemed stupid, but I assure you, we all thought this out” peter eventually let out. A chorus of yesses followed. 

“We figured, if the children of stark, publicly forgive but shun Captain Ass” a smack from T’challa quickly settled the cursing matter, “-Captain America, then the world will think more before immediately pardoning Rogers. Plus, because of the inevitable questions, we could field them, us, and then that will open doors for you guys to do more political work. Meanwhile, Barnes after a few months can move over here to be guarded and it can be seen as forgiving and a show of faith. While all the attention on Barnes and us, tony can heal quietly” Shuri asserted. 

“And maybe forgive us too,” Harley added softly. Rhodes looked at them. Really looked at them. And his face broke out into a grin. 

“You guys are definitely starks” everyone laughed at that. 

\-------------

Let him know that you know best

'Cause after all, you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And I pray to God he hears you

Barnes looked at his barren room. It wasn’t like that before but he requested everything beautiful and comforting be taken out. He didn’t deserve it. He wanted to go back into the ice. It wasn’t sleeping, it wasn’t resting, but it meant that he didn’t have to be here. And he didn’t want to be here. He lied on his back on the bed. Trying to breathe, _struggling_ to breathe. He kept his back straight, taking in one breath _1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 let it out._ Repeating it. He tried his best to keep it steady. But something went wrong. His breaths came in faster and his heart seized. He could feel wetness slipping off the side of his face. He tilted his head back trying to calm himself. Faster and faster his breaths came. He tried to exercise but they were futile. He kept skipping over numbers

_1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10_

_1,4,5,6,7,8,9_

_,1,2,3,8.9,10_

His frustration didn’t help with the matter. His hands, or what was left of them, came up to his head--the one left, gripped his hair savagely. He tucked his face in between his elbows as he struggled to find comfort--as he struggled to breathe. He opened his mouth hoping for a gulp of air. 

instead

A scream broke out. 

So visceral. Guttural. Anguished. 

It stretched his mouth, the corners taut and sore. It stretched his neck, unused to a loud sound benign forced out. It stretched him out. Tensed him. His face screwed from emotion; eyes tightly shut and the wrinkles in his forehead made themselves known. He screamed like he was in agony. 

He was. 

He stayed there on the bed ashamed of his outburst. Tears still leaking and face still in agony.

A beeping sound came from his bedside drawer, shocking him from his episode. He tentatively lifted his head from the bed. The beeping continued. He lifted himself into a sitting position. He didn't do much, practically anything. A week's worth of clothes and some personal hygiene was all that he considered his. He opened the drawer, and it came to him. The scientist of Wakanda gave him the head machine--to get rid of the triggers. Shuri in her infinite wisdom decided to give it to him for safekeeping. 

“White wolf, those are your memories, your progress, you must care for it so that soon you learn to care for yourself” she had said. She was so small, so intelligent, yet she trusted him. 

He didn’t know if that was a mistake or not

He cradled the head machine in his hands. He remembered it from the first time he used it, to test drive it. Then it had looked like a lightweight metal headband, like goggles but with a holoscreen instead of plastic and rubber. This was sleek and cutting edge technology, and it reminded him painfully of tony. The beeping, though softer, was still persistent. He looked at it suspiciously before realizing that the Princess would never do him wrong. 

He placed on himself. Adjusting the band around his long hair. And the holo-screen came to life. 

HELLO SGT. BARNES, it read.

“Hello?” he said softly

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A FRIEND?

Eyes wide, cheeks flushed, he tried to say something but his mouth only opened and closed. _Yes_! _Yes, I would like a friend._ He thought it so desperately it seemed at times. This must be a manifestation of that desire. _A gift from god_. 

“Yes,” he said quietly, fervently. 

“Hello, Sgt. Barnes, I am Cara, but you can change my name”

The gift's voice was tender and sweet; it had a hint of an accent, almost Italian, almost Romanian. _like_ _a little girl_ , vaguely he remembered a young girl with fiery hair and spirit. _Cara, a friend in Gaelic_. He flushed, looking at the screen in reverence. He knew that he didn't deserve a friend nor did he think could he handle one; a friend would hold to certain expectations, a friend was hard. But this, This was like a gift from God, though he knew it had to had been from Shuri.

Still. It offered him a way to combat the choking anxiety and loneliness. 

“No, I like Cara, can I also call you prieten mic?” as the words left his hushed mouth, the screen became a vibrant picture of a sunset in a field. It inspired joy in him.

“Yes, Sgt. Barnes. I like that name, and I'm sorry for the picture, I am still learning. What shall I call you?”

The joy that had threatened to overwhelm him had died a little at her question. He had already asked himself this, multiple times. 

“Can I call you Prieten Lup?” she asked quietly, afraid to disturb the already disturbed man. 

His heart bubbled in his chest, and his grin threatened to spill from his lips. 

“Yes,” he said reverently.

And where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Shuri looked at James, her smile gentle, and her eyes bright. James finally had a friend. A friend without pre-existing notions or conditions. 

She knew all of this because the moment he walked into the training room, he walked with his shoulders straight and a happy look in his eyes. He looked more assured of himself, he looked relaxed. 

“Hello White Wolf, how are you doing fossil”

He looked amused at her, understanding her reference, of course, but then realized she played him because the only way he would have known her reference was through a device, which he had denied her multiple times. There was only one device in his room. 

“You know?” 

Shuries heart broke hearing his scared voice, and watching how he seemed to deflate. Afraid of her taking away the gift or that she was upset he was even using it outside of the training room. 

“I do know, that is one of Stark's AI. I had not realized it would activate, but perhaps it was a gift to you?” she feigned innocence, which, if Barnes had been in a clear state of mind and not overwhelmed with joy at being able to keep his friend, she would have not gotten away with. 

“She is a gift from Stark? This head machine is from stark?” this must mean stark forgave him right?

“I cannot say for certain, but I do know she wasn’t active until recently and that the AI’s he creates is his family” Shuri couldn’t resist stoking the fire a bit. 

“She is young? Are you sure I can be trusted?”

“She needs a friend, and to be nurtured…” a breath passed before Shuri continued, “much like you.” 

After that, they began work to remove the trigger, it was grueling, terrifying, and painful, but he wanted to be whole to be a good friend to Prieten Mic. 

\-----------------

They knew it was slightly fucked up of them to use the AI to observe Barnes. Obviously, the dude was super fucked in the head. They meant that very sympathetically. Well everyone except Harley. Who couldn’t be bothered to be sympathetic? 

Regardless, the older stark kids all gathered to compare data. 

  * Barnes basically an old gay man who is over it and just wants to feed his pigeons
  * Barnes needs something soft
  * Barnes needs a hug



“Peter! stop being sympathetic to Barnes, all that shit is redundant and implied” Harley ground out. 

  * Barnes needs cuddles



“Ow fuck you” peter whined after a sharp slap to the head

“No homo…. Ew peter get off me” Shuri cried wiping her cheek in disgust. This was the first time they all met in person. Shuri was here for a top-secret mission and to see her boys. 

  * Barnes likes the AI
  * Barnes is kinda depressing



“This is all we got? Well, we’re fucked” Harley drawled. 

Footsteps and a squeaking wheel could be heard through the door. It became apparent that the meeting between all the adults had come to an end. Shuri, Peter, and Harley all sprawled somewhere around the room to look casual. A screen blinks on with last night's reruns of Friends playing. _Fri with the save_ thought peter victoriously. 

The door opened and a head peaked through, Pepper freckled face came into view. 

“Princess, we are ready to discuss everything with you guys and to go over the procedure”

The kids rose from there very random and natural places to follow Pepper and Rhodey to a conference room. 

The Dora all stood around Barnes. His back was straight and his eyes were downcast, a look of submission. Shuri sat next to him, discreetly grabbing his hand. 

“Let's begin”

\----------------------

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Tony looked around him, he had been staring at the blank wall for so long he hadn’t realized that there were children around him. _Bartons children_ he registered. 

The oldest boy sat at the table near him, his brow furrowed in concentration, pencil twitching with frustration. 

A little girl sat at his feet playing with some avengers action figures, dressing them, in what he could only assume to be barbies clothes. _Mine looks pretty good_. 

And a baby babbled from one of those contraptions that let them jump. He looked sunnily at Tony, drool coming out of his mouth. 

A sound coming from Tony alarmed all the kids. They all looked at him surprised. Before grinning at him. Cooper stayed in his chair at the table, simply adjusted himself to lazily tilt his head up once a while to shoot Tony a grin.

Lila was more forceful, clambering up the chair next to him to touch his face. She drifted her hand along his cheek, thumbing the scar. It was a tenderness he hadn’t thought possible for a small child. 

Her smile was toothy, she was young. _God, she was young and swept up in his mess._

As if sensing his self-deprecation train of thought, she began to giggle at him and pepper him with raspberries. 

Once done with her mission, she looked at his half-smile and touched her forehead to his. This little girl, this pure, young girl, whispered a thank you before leaning back and chatting at him as if he was responding. 

_She said thank you. Why did she say thank you! What good have I done!_

Once she settled down and her attention turned back to beautifying action figures, Cooper came with a tablet and sat next to Tony's stiff figure. 

“She’s thanking you for smiling. And for helping us”

The bracelet on Cooper's wrist beeped, and he looked at the words appearing on the tablet in his lap. 

_“I didn’t do anything to deserve thanks”_

“You gave her hope. Us hope” he corrected. “And-” he continued, “your people rescued us because you told them to” he winced at his choice of words but spoke surely nonetheless. 

_“Rhodey and Pep and Fri would’ve gone for you guys”_

“Maybe, but we also know they were busy running around panicking that you got hurt, and peter would’ve been so distraught he wouldn’t have even thought of us, much less Harley. Hell, they didn’t even know about us, Uncle Tony.” His eyes were open, he didn’t look judgemental, these were just his thoughts. 

_“Language”_ tony half-heartedly wrist-spoke. 

Cooper snorted and rolled his eyes. No one mentioned the title he assigned to tony, the responsibility he gave to tony. In fact, they didn’t speak at all after.

\-------------------

A new addition to tony’s life was all the kids. Sure, he’d been around for Peter since he was a baby, and for Harley, since he was about 10. but that's just two human kids. That didn’t include the three monkeys that were Cooper Barton, Lila Barton, and Cassie Lang. The bartons knew him, he was Uncle Tony; but Cassie was shy and new and called him Mister Uncle Tony--for lack of a better name. 

Kids are intuitive, nice polite kids like Lila and Cassie and Cooper didn’t ask why he never spoke, what were the scars on his face from, or what happened to his fingers. In fact, after the initial marvel, they quickly got bored. Excited to communicate through the cool devices. They all learned morse code, it was truly ingenious--the devices Peter and Harley made. 

It used the vibrations or twitching one makes from typing morse code and translates them into words, and then sentences. It was smart since Tony lost his fingers, his twitching was limited, they fixed that by making a lightweight headband that was molded to his head. It had tiny nanosensors that could sense when tony was trying to communicate _and_ move his hand, it took that data and amplified the receptors on the bracelet and interpreted the information better. It was fucking _genius_ , and he was so proud of them. Not like Howard proud, like his mama proud. 

The kids were fascinated and kept mostly to themselves. Sometimes they asked questions on how one thing worked or why this worked. They were smart. Curious. He made a mental note to ask Friday to get them science things of their own. 

They were usually alone with him, but today, apparently, was different. 

Called Peter down to take the kids to play in his training room; different from the rest (in tony speak- it was safer and cooler). 

She sat in front of him, carrying a chair over to where he sat. She took a good look at it, a long assessing look. She lifted her hand midair and asked him a silent question, _may I?_ He looked at her before giving a barely perceptible nod. Her raised hand curled and she ran her knuckles along her face. It was a mother's kindness. Her wrist smelt of subtle warm perfume. She felt _warm_. 

She closed her eyes and placed both hands on either side of his face. Feather-light touch passed across his face, every crevice and hurt she touched. Finally done she placed both hands on his, forcing her eyes open, she assessed the damage. Rubbing every lost finger, his palms full of lacerations were his skin split. His wrist, skinny and bony. His forearms full of slashes from the broken metal suit. From rogers. 

She raised the hands to her lips and kissed them. Like a mother would kiss a scrape of bleed from her child. Her lips were dry and smooth and warm. It was kindness. It was an act of acceptance. 

It made him want to cry

Noticing his sickly pallor and pained face, she gently shushed him. “Shh” she said. Then she surged forward and placed her forehead against his, “thank you” she whispered. She tapped something across her leg, morse code. Which she of course knew. 

_I am your family_

\---------------------

  
  


Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

\---------------------

“What the fuck Happy!” May seethed. 

“Now may please try to calm down”

“No, the father of my nephew almost died?! And the wife of a traitor is here?! And Rhodey is in a wheelchair?!

All of these questions were fair, happy mused. His face took on a sheepish look. These _were_ good concerns to have. 

“We just didn’t want to worry you, and Peter is okay!” _He didn't mention tony? That means tony is not okay. Oh fuck._

“Take me to him” May's voice had taken an eerie tone. She was fucking pissed. 

\-----------------

Of course one look and that

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

\--------------------

Any anger or frustration May felt left her body, mind, and soul, the moment she saw tony’s once vibrant figure. She looked at him firmly. Examined him. She did not like what she saw, or maybe she did because she decided then and there she would be his part-time nurse. Once that matter was declared, she looked at him imperiously, as if daring him to say or motion for anything contrary. 

He simply gave her his half-smile. 

And she smiled back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was kinda long and it's honestly an apology for being gone so long. I kinda lost motivation but I'm back now and better than ever. this one is kinda sad but please give me advice on the storyline or any critique :)


	9. listen before i go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and james have a strange tense relationship. They’re both so overcome by guilt. Tony feels that the only way to remedy that is to die. And james feels the only way to rememdy his is to protect and serve tony. Tony finally speaks after weeks of non-vocal communication with james. He ask james in the middle of the night to take him to the rooftops. James elated and hoping hes making progress wheels him to the roof. Tony attempts to stand but cannot at first. After steadying himself tony looks at the stars. And he tells james the story of the life of a star. After telling him, tony jumps off the roof. James is barely quick enough to catch him, and tony lucid dreams. (listen, before I go- billie eilish)

There were probably a handful of times where May was well and truly surprised. Tony being invested in Peter, Tony being IronMan, Peter being Spider-Man, _ben passing,_ she thought with a saddened heart, Tony's current condition, and ( _okay maybe there were more than a handful of items)_ Barnes being at the compound. She of course heard through the grapevine (Peter) that he was here and that it was decided in a meeting the whole team had ( _one I apparently wasn’t invited to_ ). Whatever, she wasn’t bitter. 

She had met him, he was distressing. He was too much like tony. Less in a catatonic state but still unnervingly quiet and depressed. That was okay, that just meant she had her work cut out for her. 

It was decided that she would only work in the hospital as a volunteer, but her income would come from Stark International. SI would pay her to be the part-time nurse of both Tony and Barnes (Barnes had decided when she saw him eat Vision's disgusting cake and not have a single reaction-- _that's depressing and a cry for help_ ).

\------------------

James thought it was insensitive to cart him into the same room as Tony and leave him there but that is exactly what May did. 

There wasn’t much he could do, she commanded him to stay there and get comfortable. Which is kinda hard when you are next to a practically catatonic man you beat into that state. _It's cool, cool, cool, cool, cool._ A mantra he kept repeating in his head, one that he picked up from being forced to sit with Harley for an evening as he watched a long movie that had many short stories. _A show_ , Harley called it. 

He was almost as stiff as Tony, unable to settle into the deep couch and relax. He didn’t really like being here, but T’challa and Ms. Potts had agreed that in order to properly restore Wakanda's reputation and help both Tony and Barnes, they would keep them here at the compound. It seemed like a shit idea, and Shuri’s knowing smirk made him more uncomfortable. 

He looked around the room, folded his hand in his lap, and sat with his back straight. No one spoke or motioned for anything. It went on like this for about a week. 

Until he noticed that tony was cold. He seemed to be wavering like a flimsy piece of paper--more refined of course. His shivers were slight, but any movement in the silent tense room was amplified. His fingers, or lack thereof, _my fault_ , twitched; but no words appeared on Barnes Bracelet. He was just cold. Sometimes, Mrs.Barton (“ _Call me Laura, please”_ ) would appear and let her hands rest on Tony’s or his cheeks and her forehead would rest on his. Tony would be sated for a while until she was called away to work or to her children. The little creatures would sometimes place their hands on the base of his neck, Lila would copy her mother's tenderness. 

When that happened, when Laura… or Lila would give Tony some tenderness, something rolled in his stomach. Threatening to burst out. He didn’t know what, but seeing the way that Tony's scarred eyes would close in bliss and his trembling would stop, made Barnes' heart sink. And the strange negative feeling in his stomach grew. 

\-----------------

“Do you have blankets, Ma’am?” Barnes tentatively asked. 

“For you? Yes of course! And stop calling me Ma’am!” If May was surprised by his request, she definitely showed it. A smile grew from her thin lips, and the crow's feet that were evidence of happiness made were more prominent. _I'm glad he finally feels comfortable asking for comfort_. 

“Ah no,” Barnes replied sheepishly. He looked uncertain before taking the jump, “Actually Ms.May, It's for Tony--er Mr.Stark. He always looks so cold” the last part was said so forlornly if may wasn’t mistaken, Barnes felt something for Tony.

It was then that May got an Idea. If you asked anyone who was close to May, you would know she is the fun aunt, but you would also find out she’s the meddlings, busy-body fun aunt. Her “Funness” came as a price.

“Well sure we have blankets, but why don't you make a gift for tony. His birthday is rolling around, and I know that old man would appreciate a good hand-knit blanket from his Recovery pall” she grinned sunnily at him. Ignoring his looks of bafflement and apprehension. 

“Well I'm not sure-- that it- I just don-” 

“Nonsense! Of course, you can one-handed. Let me pull up some videos and if you would like to stay in your room to work on your special project, then I think that would be great. Your friend will be monitoring you of course and relaying any necessary information to FRI. Besides that, well I’ll leave it up to you” she left with an overly sweet smile and a request for Ms. FRIDAY to pull up tutorials. 

“Ms.FRIDAY, do you think you could connect Prieten Mic to this room, or to a device so I can have her with me?”

“Certainly. Sgt. Barnes. In Fact, she is already connected to your bracelet and is helping me a great deal with tracking your vitals. She was created to assist the users of BARF or Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing; you are the user and she will assist in any capacity.”

“She’s my friend” he whispered

“And a great one at that” FRIDAY responded just as softly. 

“Hello, Prieten Lup!” CARA squealed. He smiled softly at her excitement.

“CARA, Ms. FRIDAY, do you think he will accept my gift? Want something from _me_?” Barnes doubted, his regret and uncertainty shifting the once exciting atmosphere. 

“If I may, Sgt. Barnes, I do believe he would accept your apology. Boss is a kind man full of love and forgiveness. Do not be hesitant to ask for some.” FRIDAY insisted softly, her Irish lilt weakening any dubious thoughts.

With that, a new determination rose in him. A purpose and he set to work finding out how he was to make the softest and warmest blanket ever. 

\-----------------

Tony thought it was insensitive to place the man who murdered his mom and beat him half to death next to him but it's whatever he supposed. 

When he saw may for the first time since this whole mess, he had instant relief. That meant that Peter had someone besides his hardened brother and stressed out uncles and aunts to rely on him. Someone who was motherly enough to help peter. Of course, when she announced she was actually there for him and to take care of him he practically grinned. His fierce co-parent was a friend and actually cared about him enough to juggle his moods, constant brooding, and take him to the restroom. She was a saint. 

Now, of course, she was a bitch. When he saw James, the stupid doe-eyes murderer, he remembered the cold and everything that happened. 

_He’s my friend_

The clanging metal and sparks. The warm blood, quickly freezing as he went into hypothermic shock. The ever-present pain in his chest, his heart. The words. 

_He killed my mom!_

The surgeries, the panic from his family, Nick crying, Peter sobbing, Harley punching the wall. His fucking piss everywhere because he felt like he was choking and couldn’t speak--couldn’t move. The single tear that sometimes without his permission fell. The smell of death and piss and blood. 

And the cold. The blazing cold. Whipping winds and howling wolves, as the _“White Wolf”_ sat next to him. He tried to restrain himself, be calm and collected, and brooding; but he couldn’t stop shaking. He was having a panic attack and he felt so fucking cold. 

He felt like he was in the tundra with his dick out and his blood freezing from the inside out. Blood icicles coming out of his body as he stood like a statue of a broken man. Like a little bitch. He felt like he was in Siberia when his heart was so screwed up it froze. 

Sometimes Laura could sense from the erratic twitching that he was having a silent panic attack. She would go through the routine, but it hurt her. It was clear this was something she was used to doing, probably ‘cause of Clint, probably Natasha. Lila would copy her mom, settling in his lap, her small stature not even affecting his sickly body. 

Sometimes, someone else would be passing by and notice the incessant beeping on their wrist wasn’t from the kids messing around and tapping gibberish but from tony’s panic attacks. Sometimes, they would place a light hand on the base of his neck. At night, when May retired for the day and no one was left, Peter would wake up because of his spidey-sense and wrap his sluggish body around tony. 

Sometimes, when tony’s night nurse was unavailable or sent away, peter would groggily pick up tony and shower him, _care_ for him. And those nights made Tony want to get up and jump off of his tower. That his sons had to come to take care of him. Harley would already be in his bed ready to hold his shivering frame, when Peter finished showering off his piss and shit. His _sons_ had to clean him and bathe him as if he was an old decrepit sad man, which _to be fair_ he kind of was. He fucking 46 and already shitting himself. He passed a rough palm over the arc reactor forced back into his chest. He wasn’t even fucking human anymore. He was a corpse. 

He thought about it a lot--dying. 

\---------------

He didn’t count on Barnes being as screwed in the head as him. After Barnes came back from therapy, May would park him beside tony. Barnes looked dead too. He thought it would give him the joy to see his murderer like this, Tony supposed he was too tired to think of Barnes as anything more than pitiful. Barnes desperately would look anywhere besides him. He actively ignored Tony until his curiosity would force him to watch Laura and Lila and the others comfort him. 

He was kind of a dick, Tony was having panic attacks and he wouldn’t say anything or call for anyone, just resolutely look at the blank wall in front of them. _Dick move._

This happened for weeks until he noticed little beanies that Peter wore. Slightly misshapen but beautiful nonetheless. Lila had a little blankie clutched in her hands every time she visited. Cooper had a weird scarf that definitely didn’t belong to the angsty prepubescent boy. Everyone in the compound had thick knitted objects that they always wore around tony. It was weird. Even Pepper and Laura had matching _perfect_ sweaters--warm and thick and comforting. 

One day, a coughing fit devolved into an anxiety attack, his shaking skeleton moving forcefully. He was cold and he couldn't breathe because of his coughing fit; suddenly he was back in Siberia fighting for his life, already dead. He saw Barnes grab something from his side and come towards him. 

He seized even more. Fear settling in, _oh fuck. This is how I die, in my home already dead. Fantastic. Tastee-freeze better hurry the fuck up._ Tony tried to scramble away but his chair was stationed and he was too weak to get up and move. He pushed himself as far into the chair as possible. 

Hurt flashed across the bear of a man in front of him. He walked slowly, holding out what was in his hand. 

A perfectly knit blanket. A beautiful plush dark almost onyx blue. 

He dropped it on the floor, spooked by Tony's visceral fear. He would have laughed if he could but he was kinda having a panic attack. 

Hesitation passed in Barnes' eyes before he made the decision to place it over tony. He looked like he just scared away a skittish kitten. Slowly backing away until he reached his placement. 

Tony hadn’t even realized his panic had settled until he stared at the fabric twisted in his gnarled hands. 

Then the gentle giant spoke, his voice deep and quiet. Warm and scratchy. 

“I thought you were cold, I-I noticed you were cold, so I practiced before I could make you a blanket,” he looked ashamed before continuing, “I’m sorry it took me so long.” he murmured. 

Tony looked at him a long time before laughing. 

\-------------

His laugh was the most beautiful thing Barnes had heard. Objectively, he knew it was kind of ugly because of disuse and the hiccups he had from his panic attack. ( _im so stupid, he was having a panic attack not shivering from the cold_ ). But it was beautiful because it was so freely given. He tilted his head back as much as he could and his mouth opened into a grin. His eyes are crinkled. 

It was beautiful. 

So was tony in _his_ blanket, that _he_ made for tony. The deep blue was rich and so different from anything that could possibly be associated with Ste-Rogers. He didn’t pick red because Tony would be reminded of his suit and the fight and _blood_. Any other color seemed stupid. 

Secretly, what only he and CARA knew was that he felt like the blue matched his eyes. And he wanted Tony to associate warmth and comfort with him, Barnes. 

However, the double-take and giggles that followed from practically every visitor made him think it wasn’t that much of a secret. 

Whatever. 

\-----------------

Tony woke up with a start. He had begun rubbing and shifting the wounds on his chest. And his ass felt itchy. Tears had made their way into his mouth and felt the salty liquid threaten to choke him. He gagged, then couldn’t stop gagging. Until he threw up his liquid meals. He sat in his piss and tears and vomit until he passed out. 

He woke up to gentle warm water. A hand moved him thin overgrown hair out of his face. Rubbed the dried vomit and spit off his face. A shower of warm water passed over his body. His skin prickling and rising from the cold and warm sensation. He could feel his bones jutting out. Peter must have taken him to the shower. _Again_. He didn’t want to open his eyes but he felt compelled to want a reason to kill himself even more. 

_Barnes_

_Barnes, he's washing his hair and cleaning his sickness. One-handed._

Eyes half-lidded he looked at Barnes wearily. His enemy was bathing him. He shut his eyes and didn’t open them until Barnes lifted him out of the tub and onto the clean side of the bed. Wrapped in a single blanket he peeks out of the tiny bubble of warmth to look at his enemy. Getting clothes out of his drawers with one hand. He quickly shut his eyes once he noticed Barnes turning back towards him. 

“Please котенок, help me clothe you” Barnes rumbled gently, the vibration passing through tony. 

He came out of his quasi-shell and let the towel pool on his lap. A soft jumper was passed over Tony's head, Barnes guiding Tony's arms through the holes one-by-one. To give Tony the semblance of privacy he tucked his face into Tony's hair and removed the towel, quickly replacing it and directing his limbs through the legs of the soft flannel pants. He propped Tony's body up against his and tied the waistband to fit Tony's emaciated body. Leaving Tony's body on the bed, he went to get his chair. Cleaning the remaining mess from the day he placed tony in the chair by pulling him flush against his body and waddling to the chair. He inhaled sharply, taking in Tony's scent. 

He kindly deposited tony into the chair propping pillows around him. 

Tony wanted to live in the moment but he couldn’t. He wanted to think about the tenderness from Barnes single hand, the reverence in his eyes as he cared for Tony, the sharp inhale when he smelled Tony's shampoo--but he couldn’t. 

He opened his mouth, 

  
  


_“_ _Take me to the rooftop,”_ he instructed.

_I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turning' blue_. He thought

\------------------

Barnes hadn’t realized how much he would do for tony. How he would serve him. To earn his forgiveness, his attention. 

He took him to the rooftop, snagging the blanket he made for Tony on the way and keeping it around his own shoulders. 

He felt ecstatic. Tony had spoken and even requested FRIDAY himself to take them discreetly to the Rooftop. 

He wheeled tony near the edge, adjusting the headrest to allow for a full extension back. He thought Tony wanted to see the stars.

He didn’t know Tony wanted to be a star. 

\------------------------

Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious

Leave me like you do (like you do)

\------------------------

“Why did you help me?” 

Barnes didn’t answer, didn’t know what to say tony mused. 

This was a question on the tip of Tony's tongue since he was given the ridiculously soft blanket. 

\-----------------------

_If you need me, wanna see me_

_Better hurry 'cause I'm leavin' soon_

_Sorry can't save me now_

_Sorry I don't know how_

_Sorry there's no way out (sorry)_

_But down_

_Mm, down_

\----------------------

“I'm leaving soon,” Tony said after the silence. 

Barnes looked at him amused. He allowed a curious sound to leave his lips. 

“I'm leaving soon and I’m not coming back so if you have anything you want to say then say it now”

After weeks of not talking, the hoarse quality of his voice had yet to disappear. It gave the nonchalance he was going for, seem desperate. 

Another questioning sound left Barnes. 

silence. heavy rasping breathing. questions. 

“What do I call you?” tony queried. 

More silence. More heavy rasping breathing. More questions. 

Barnes was troubled. He referred to himself as Barnes, it was impersonal, he didn’t know who he was. The Princess and the rest of Wakanda referred to him as White Wolf. CARA called him Prieten Lup. Everyone else, Sgt. Barnes. His name was part of his identity, but he didn’t _know_ who he was anymore. 

Barnes musings had distracted him from Tony's movements. With a burst of energy and thought that this would be his only chance, he surged upon his feet. 

His bones ached from the strain. His muscles had practically atrophied from the lack of movement. But he was on his feet. And only two steps from the ledge, from peace. 

One

Two

He turned his back away from the deadly view. Facing Barnes he closed his eyes and let himself lean back. 

“Goodbye James” 

\-------------------------

_Taste me, the salty tears on my cheek_

_That's what a year-long headache does to you_

\------------------

Rhodey woke up with a start. He panicked when he realized FRIDAY was calling him. 

“ I can’t see Da!” was repeated over and over. Rhodes' blood turned cold, he used all the strength he earned after a year of PT to pull himself into his chair and race towards the elevator. 

FRIDAY’s panicking was unusual, only allowing herself this humanity when something was seriously wrong with tony, or tony was dying. Again. 

\----------------- 

_I'm not okay, I feel so scattered_

_Don't say I'm all that matters_

_Leave me, deja vu (mm)_

\-----------------

Barnes with wide eyes and a gaping mouth that tony was up. His joy was soon overwhelmed by the realization that tony was about to kill himself. Lunging forward he grabbed the man's wrist as he leaned back and pulled him away from death. 

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” was shrieked from Tony's shrill voice. 

He pressed Tony into his chest wrapping the blanket around them as they kneeled to the ground. 

Muffled, “Let me die please” speared Barnes' heart. 

Shifting he pulled away slightly to grab pillows with his lone hand and placed them on the ground. Once more wrapping tony with his arm he pulled down so that they were laying on the pillows. 

If tears leaked out of Barnes's eyes, then no one had to know. 

Barnes looked at Tony's screwed close eyes and then back up at the sky. 

“Tony, look. Please darling look”

The hiccups quieted and he had long stopped babbling. He twisted his face away from Barnes' solid chest and looked forward. 

The sky had a beautiful tapestry of twinkling stars. The deep darkness and the tiny lights had distracted Tony long enough to completely stop his hiccups and burst of tears. 

He rested practically on Barnes, his arm coming around his shoulders to massage the skin and bones there. The blanket comforted both of them as they looked up at the sky, the minutes before resolutely ignored. 

\---------------------------

_If you need me, wanna see me_

_You better hurry, I'm leavin' soon_

_Sorry can't save me now (sorry)_

_Sorry I don't know how (sorry)_

_Sorry there's no way out (sorry)_

_But down_

_Mm, down_

Rhodes quietly wheeled himself across the rooftop, looking at the bodies on the floor. 

“Vitals FRI” he pleaded. Hoping to God that they, Tony and whoever was with him, were alive. 

“Elevated heart rate but Boss and Sgt. Barnes are otherwise fine, sir,” she responded tersely. Both of them having the same fear. 

He let FRIDAY wheel him away to the elevator, he was exhausted. Drained from this year and this night. He knew what probably happened. Tony had an accident or a nightmare that he would beat himself up about, Peter and Harley were having a sleepover with Ned and Mj at Mays for the weekend and so the only one who had the senses and was most likely already awake was Barnes. Barnes probably heard the distress and went to investigate only to find tony. And tony being tony probably asked him to take him to the rooftop to die and Barnes almost became an unwitting accomplice to suicide. 

He settled himself back into bed and adjusted his heavy unfeeling limbs. 

“Babygirl, keep an eye on them and call a meeting on Monday. Monitor tony _and_ Barnes vitals and moods”

\----------------------

_Call my friends and tell them that I love them_

_And I'll miss them_

_But I'm not sorry_

_Call my friends and tell them that I love them_

_And I'll miss them_

_Sorry_

The mood on Monday was somber. Everyone had been briefed over what occurred on Friday night. 

The room was full, everyone who cared about Tony was in that room. The royal siblings, the Stark Kids, Pepper, Rhodes, Happy, May, Laura, Maria, Fury, and James. This was the last straw, they were ready to begin their revenge. 

\--------------

On Monday, Tony laid in his bed. Asleep, dead to the world. A hand carded through his hair. 

“Cuore Mio, wake up. It is time to start the day.”

Tony's eyes shot open 

“Vita Mia! Please greet you mother so that we can begin this Bella Giornata” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prieten- friend  
> Lup- Wolf  
> Mic- Little  
> Bella- Beautiful  
> giornata- day  
> vita mia- my life  
> cuore mio- my heart  
> котенок- kitten


	10. Lover, please stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After one suicide attempt too many, the whole gang is on a mission to revenge their fallen friend. FRIDAY finds a file that tony saved for Rhodes and gives it to him. Rhodes finds out that even though Tony was tired and felt worthless, he compiled a list of potential supers and ways to fix the accords to the best of his ability; despite this, Rhodes can’t do what tony is asking and feels too depressed to try.   
> Stephen comes back, maybe.

Lover, I know you're weary

There's a time from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Towels are cold, so am I

\-------------------------

“So what are you saying? That he- that he slipped into a coma, that he won’t wake up from?” Rhodes demanded. He found tony on Monday afternoon after FRI reported that his heart had slowed dangerously. 

Helen shook her head, “No. He’s in a sort of psychiatric coma. Like catatonia but more severe. It's caused by stress, depression, anxiety, and traumatic events. Like what happened Friday” 

He watched as everyone took a moment, remembering the tense brief they had earlier this morning before they got the alert about tony. They were understandably pissed at him, he waited a whole weekend to tell them what had happened. Pepper hadn’t spoken to him since, and Harley glared at him while he comforted peter. 

“So what do we do?” a gruff unexpected voice questioned. Everyone turned, including Rhodes, to look at the newest member of the Tony Stark Protection Squad. James sat solemnly, his hand clenching and unclenching in his lap. 

Helen cleared her throat and smiled kindly at James, “we connect him to an IV drip to give him fluids, monitor his vitals and-” her breath caught and she grimaced, “hope he wakes up.”

Shouts and groans of desperation and discord echoed in the conference room. Each one knowing there was nothing they would really do. 

\-------------------------------------

So take from me

What you want, what you need

Take from me

Whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me

\------------------------------

Strange rested his head on Tony's mangled hands. Pressing them against his forehead, listening for the weak pulse. 

The steady beeping from the monitor gave him flashbacks of time before wars and suits and capes. 

_ *flashback* _

“So by shifting our perspective away from what we think the derivative is, to what it could be, we can expand the equation to include more than what it was created for. And for funsies let’s see if we can throw energy only quantified by prime numbers, what do we get?” 

A chorus of groans from the men and women surrounding Tony Stark could be heard. He was already drunk and could do circles around the other geniuses in the room. Of course, Stephen didn’t really care about that, not being the smartest math/physics wise didn’t bother him; he was smart enough. But Tony couldn’t surgically do what he did, could logic his way in a tense operating room. Stephen could though, he was the brightest mind in  _ his _ field, and that was all that mattered. And getting away from the cougar who kept chasing him around this soiree. He hid near the cluster of Stark’s adoring fans, head elegantly moving around to scope the ballroom. 

A passing swipe across his backside made him aware he’d been caught, the practically ancient woman pressing into him. 

“I believe you owe me a dance Dr. Strange '' she purred. The hag puckered her lips in what it seemed she thought was seductive. He smiled congenially before shifting away from 

He turned lightly and placed a light hand on the small of Starks back, “I believe I promised you a dance Dr.Stark--” turning back towards the woman and pulling his unsuspecting dance partner into him, “and He asked much earlier than you did” his saccharine smile effectively stopping her protestations, Stark she would not cross. 

Still flush against him, stark leaned up to his ear, “interesting, I don’t believe I asked for a dance, but if your offering I would be foolish to refuse Dr. Strange” he demurred peering up at Stephen with beautiful doe eyes, pillowy lips tugged into a smirk. 

In response, Stephen simply spun Stark out into the dance floor. Other couples swanned around them, giggling and chatting, but Stephen and Stark simply danced. 

It wasn’t long before the snarking started. 

“Look, Doctor Who, this has been fun and all but I gotta skip to my room, I kinda have a hot date”

“Wow! Uh, it's too soon, we’d only just met, but I guess we could go on a date?” Stephen replied sweetly. 

“Not what I mean, Suess. Can I call you Suess, Doctor? I meant I'm heading up and gonna do the bow chicka wow wow, though it’d be understandable if you didn’t know what the meaning was, Doogie” the retort came quickly. 

“Wow, do you practice that all day in front of a mirror? It must take up all of your genius to make those “jokes” Richie Rich” Stark may have had a sharp tongue, but Stephen had that and cheekbones that could cut glass. 

“I could show you if you’d like?” Stark jeered, waggling his eyebrows. 

Stephen looked down at Stark imperiously. A mild blush making his way up from his neck onto his cheeks. His baby-blue eyes assessed the seriousness of Stark's provocative flirtations--a little too long it seemed. Starks' bravado had wavered, his eyes averted and he pulled away from Stephen. His fake smile made itself known and drew himself up. 

“You would be so lucky, and I dunno Doc, you just don't seem that lucky” he looked past Stephen at the crowd skirting the edge of the dance floor, before energetically gesturing at someone, “Mrs. Everly! Come take my place, Stephen is a fantastic partner but I'm afraid I must be off” he smiled one last time at Stephen as he passed him off to the old hag--syrupy and serpentine. 

He craned his neck to try to watch where he went but the witch wound herself around Stephen and moved him away from the edge. 

\-----------------------------

It wasn’t until 2014 did Stephen get the balls to ask Tony out. They were at another gala, masquerade themed, but anyone could recognize Tony’s vibrant dancing figure. Tony threw his head back and laughed at something his partner said. Stephen watched the line of his throat, swallowing thickly before moving purposefully to interrupt their dance. 

He passed a hand on the shoulder of the guy Tony was dancing with, someone important he was sure, but he was irrelevant. No words needed to be spoken, Stephen looked at Tonys bright and so  _ damn beautiful _ eyes--letting them speak. Tony stepped away from his partner, a respectful nod given to the poor man, before facing Stephen. 

“Let’s dance,” he drawled. A picture of nonchalance.

His mouth was closed, stifling an elated smile, but his  _ eyes _ . _ God _ , his eyes. They were bright and curious and hopeful and so damn happy, that the only thing Stephen could do was dance with him the whole night just so he could see those bright eyes. 

\-------------------------------

“What do you mean you love me?” Tony asked hesitantly. A contrast from the loud argument they were having before. Stephen, angry and insecure, Tony confused. 

“I mean that! I mean that I Love You! You! And I don't want us to be casual or friends with benefits, _gah,_ I thought we were dating, for God's sake! I thought we were  _ something _ ” Stephen was horribly upset. He wanted to sink into the floor and cry. Get on his knees and beg for Tony to love him back, to want him. 

“...” Tony opened his mouth but nothing had come from it. In all honesty, he did like Stephen, loved him even, like he loved Pepper and Rhodey. Deeply and tenderly, but Tony… Tony was in love with Steve. Something he thought Stephen knew. That if it had been another time, before Steve, he would’ve said he loved Stephen too. Would’ve taken the ring, the root of their argument. 

“What do you need?! What more do you need from me?! Tell me, because- because I’ll give it to you. I’d give it all to you!” Stephen declared breathlessly. He couldn’t cry a gift from years of torment and his childhood trauma, but his words shook and his lips pursed to control the quivering. His face was flushed and he stood at Tony's back, hunched, rejected. Tony walked towards the door of Stephen's penthouse. 

Stephen surged forward, placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder. 

\-------------------------------------

Lover, I feel your sorrow

Pourin' out of your skin

I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be

\------------------------------------

Rhodey looked at the file on his tablet. Spreading his fingers above it and turning them so they faced upwards, he projected it onto the closest holoscreen. He looked at the information and sighed. 

Tony was the Sun, he was a star. The brightest, most beautiful, most complex, star. He had always thought so, but dammit, he was a fucking scientist, he should’ve realized. The stars that are seen, are already dead, exploded, that's why they're so bright, so intriguing, so beautiful. He should’ve realized Tony was dying practically dead. Should’ve seen that his brightness, his compassion, love, forgiveness, intelligence, was a  _ sacrifice _ for Tony---that it took little pieces of him to be as bright and beautiful as he was.

This file was the last twinkle, the one meant to last forever and be remembered before the star was well and truly gone. Tony had planned this, maybe not on Barnes' guilt or the roof exactly, but he planned to die. He left this file full of wonderful things to be the last thing Tony did to be the last action before he died. He planned this,  _ wanted _ this. 

“What am I looking at baby girl?” Rhodes gruffed. 

“These are the plans for the future of the Avengers, as well as prospective members” the screen lit up with schematics, mission proposals, objectives, business proposals, publicity plans, possible avengers young and old, foundations, possible leaders, team breakdowns, marketing, financial reports, everything. There was so much information, so much work that Tony did, Rhodes got a headache. 

He looked at the bright screens, at the possibility of hope and dammit Tony planned for it to be done without him. 

“I don't know if I can do this FRI-” he murmured, “I don’t know if I can do this without him!” his voice rising in desperation. He breathed heavily, trying to calm himself and ignore that twinge of pain he felt where his useless limbs were. 

“You have to,” a new voice said, small, and, young, and innocent, and so goddamn determined.

“You have to because he’s there in that hospital again and I can barely hear his heart and I wasn’t given instructions so I don’t know what to do with myself. Every week I come home from patrols after listening to KAREN the whole time depressed thinking about Tony, only coming over on the weekends to check on my dad and  _ then _ -” a bitter laugh bubbled out, “ I find out he tried to OFF HIMSELF!” Peter Shrieked breathlessly. High and scratchy. He turned to his nephew, taking in his raised shoulders and clenched fist. The scrawny boy was still small, still a child, but he looked so old with red-rimmed eyes and heavy bags. 

“So do it” he seethes before turning away and running towards the medbay. 

Rhodey turned back to the screens, cradling his head in one hand he peeked one more look at the data. Nothing was said, nothing was spoken, nothing was done. 

\------------------------------------

So take from me

What you want, what you need

Take from me

Whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh

I can see you, I can feel you

Slipping through my hands

Oh, I can taste you, oh I can taste you

Slipping through my hands

\-------------------------------

The hand was promptly shrugged off. Stephen's heart constricted further, he hated this. 

“I should notice it sooner, I mean I guess I had noticed it if I tried to give you a promise ring like some lovesick foolish child” the vitriol was spat before he could stop it. Tony stopped still turned away from him. 

Stephen couldn’t stop himself, “I feel so fucking stupid, I was just a good lay eh? A nice guy for you to play with, destress with. But God tony, you talked about how you were never good enough compared to steve for Howard, but I should’ve realized I would never be good enough when compared to the paragon of justice! Captain America” the sardonic laugh that welled up in Stephen immediately died when tony turned towards him with tears in his eyes. 

He remembered a time where they lazed about in bed after a day of nothing, one of the few they both allowed themselves, he was drawing shapes on tony’s naked skin, swirls leading to the scar where his arc reactor had once rested. He remembered a time when he had promised to never make Tony cry, the declaration whispered into his skin. 

But Tony turned to him with tears in his eyes and shame flooded him. 

He crossed the distance he hadn’t even known was there, reaching to cup his lovers face. The subsequent flinch felt like a punch to the gut. He stilled, hand still lifted, waiting to see if tony would bring himself forward or turn away from his hand. 

Instead burrowed his head into Stephen's chest, the silent tears wetting his shirt. 

“I felt you slipping, I felt you shifting yourself, getting ready to leave and I wasn’t ready. Every time I kissed you, I could taste you slipping through my hands. I wasn’t ready to let you go to lose you and I love you. I do. It wasn’t some declaration just make you stay, I love you. Tony, you are the best thing, so soft and warm, and intelligent and beautiful.” Stephen could feel his eyes glazing, tears threatening to fall. He wouldn’t though, he was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a promise-breaker, and he had promised himself he would never cry. “I saw you, you know-” he said ruefully, “one day we went to a function of some kind, and we went together as we had for the past year, and Rogers was there, he saw you walk in on my arm, he looked so angry. But I didn’t care because  _ I _ got to walk in as your date, but then I looked at you. And you were fidgeting and nervous, and when we danced you didn’t look at me, you looked at rogers” Stephens lamentations were purposefully casual, purposefully gentle.

Tony opened his mouth speak, to say something, to say I love you back, “I-”

“I know.” the finality of Stephens words and the door that was already opening was cemented further by his parting words, 

“If I had been earlier, I know. But one day, you will happy and maybe that will be with Rogers, but maybe that could be with me”

He stepped through the door and left Tony in the middle of his apartment. He left Tony sinking to his knees as the loss of one of his greatest friends hit him. He stayed there awhile, gathering his thoughts and his stuff before leaving the apartment he didn’t think he would ever see again. 

\--------------------------------

Take from me

What you want, what you need

Take from me

Whatever you want

My lover, please stay with me, ah

My lover, please stay with me

\----------------------------------------

Rhodes wasn’t surprised to see Stephen next to tony with his head hanging. He stopped short of entering curious to see what he would do. He looked at Stephen as he stood up leaned over Tonys still bruised body, kissed his cheek before opening a portal, and leaving the heavy atmosphere. 

He wheeled over to where Tony was, surprised to see tears on his cheek.  _ A gift from Strange _ , he mused. He carded his hand through tony’s limp hair, letting the tears absorb into Tony’s skin. 

“I’ll do it”

\---------------------------------------

Pepper was frustrated and wanted to do something. She couldn’t help tony medically or mentally, she couldn’t fix Rhodey's legs, she couldn’t console Tony’s kids (who felt it was their fault for insisting on James), she couldn’t help Helen stop having nightmares about avengers and tony, she couldn’t help fury or maria or Christine, or herself. She couldn’t do anything, but she could scheme and destroy the ragtag group of criminals, the world once called a team. 

She wondered what happens when you bring together two redheads and two blonds?

Total annihilation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was eh, im annoyed. also guys this is 2017. so tony is like 46/47. he was born in 1970 and went to mit at 14 according to the wikia fandom. i know i messed up with the happy part in chapter 2 and some other chapters but im too lazy to fix it. so hes 47 or 46. um and stephen and tony wow, they're cute. this was shitty ik but whatever.


	11. Starks angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, really wasn't gonna include it but then i got an idea, so..

Pepper forced a calming breath, forced the  _ In… Out _ , that had been taught in her years of therapy. She was nervous about the meeting, nervous about seeing blood red hair, nervous about seeing Peggy’s ghost. 

She didn’t blame them,  _ well _ , she blamed them a little. But she also knew Carter was under orders from her superiors (thunderass), and Natasha had panicked. 

A hand touched her wrist, a reminder of her companion, Christine looked her intently, discerning eyes trying to find a way to calm and distract her. Christine pressed a soft kiss on the side of Pepper's head. 

Pepper felt a flush travel through whether from the kiss or her nerves, she resolutely looked at the rain falling. 

They sat in the car, both waiting to see if their targets would even show if the plan would even happen.

Two blondes gave each other cursory glances before both preceding into the diner, one in front of the other they sat at a booth.  _ Fuck, two blondes. Really nat.  _ Pepper felt a slight thrill, like she was on some secret mission, but without the repercussions of death or destruction...if the meeting goes exactly how she needs it to. 

If the two blondes were surprised by the appearance of the other, neither of them showed it.  _ Fucking spies _ . Pepper led Christine out of their car, giving a brief nod to the driver to let him know to circle the block until they needed him. She clutched Christine's arm, hoping her friend could give her comfort. Pepper opened the door for Christine and inhaled sharply at the sight of the biggest backstabbers, her  _ and _ Tony's friends. 

The diner was mostly empty, save for the staff, and a few agents she and maria pre-placed. They looked normal, like average New Yorkers enjoying a late afternoon lunch in the fall. It was practically picturesque, the drizzling rain, warm cafe, the smell of coffee and pastries. 

She put on her best shark smile,  _ always smile pep, they never expect you to smile when you're about to destroy them. You’re doing fine. You're learning from tony stark.  _ “Roma!-” she called excitedly, she looked like she was meeting with an old friend. Exactly how she wanted to. “Shawna!” her eager smile might’ve looked friendly, but she was on edge. 

They stood up to greet her, dressed in casual warm clothes--as if they were middle-aged women coming together to catch up. 

Pepper took in the newly turned blonde turning her around in the brief hug. She released her, fingers catching on a lock familiarly. She twisted it, to anyone it would seem like gentle teasing affection,  _ no _ , it was only a reminder of what had been lost. She pulled away and settled in the booth pulling Christine next to her and placing an arm on the back of the booth. She sat facing the exit, effectively trapping her targets from leaving. The turn had been something she had been eager to maneuver. It gave her an upper hand, something she desperately needed. 

Natasha hadn’t expected her to move so smoothly like that, hadn’t expected the casual tug, or the casual pose that was a clear indication of dominance and impassiveness. She darted to the arm around Christine, noting how comfortable and settled they were, in sync,  _ I used to have that before I fucked it up _ , she thought viciously. She was also impressed by how well Pepper had trapped them, forcing the spies to stay where they were, lest one of their opposites called from backup or something. It was smart. 

She didn’t have to guess to know what this meeting was about, someone that she knew caused an ache in both her and Sharon's hearts. She never meant for any of this to happen, it wasn’t stever versus tony it was her own fear and her own misjudgments. Sharon had the excuse of being undercover and following orders, but still. They both messed up, big time. The silence was brief, cut quickly by the attractive voice of their favorite reporter.

“We-” gestured Christine between her and pep, “need to do something, and we want you to help” she smiled gaily at them, no tension, no judgment. But they both knew the killer blonde, knew her mind was at work. Knew what was at stake, this was a chance for redemption. 

Pepper cleared her throat, bringing the attention back to her, “Yes, we want to destroy Rogers and his shit-show of a team, we want them on their knees, we want them to know they are at our mercy and that  _ Tony _ , is the only reason they aren’t dead or in prison” she snarled, her sweet smile belaying the intention of her words. 

Natasha looked desperately at the woman beside her, they knew this meant an all-out war, they knew this meant the complete dissolution of the avengers.  _ Sam. oh god Clint! _

Sharon had never wanted any of this to happen, hadn’t wanted the hurt her cousin was in, or the rage the rest of her family was in. The moment the first reports of civilian casualties and injuries from Rogers,  _ I gave him the shield i gave him the shield i GAVE him the shield. She _ knew she had made a mistake. She was following orders, but then she kissed Steve and it felt great cause he was hot and a good man, but that wasn’t part of the orders. Giving a weapon to a murderer also hadn’t weren’t part of the orders.

On the run she saw a picture splashed on the front page of some newspaper, Tony was beaten almost completely blue and discolored, and she saw the ring that had been magnified, Tony’s engagement ring to  _ Steve, who she kissed.  _ She broke a rule and assisted in the murder of more than a dozen civilians and officers. Some were  _ paralyzed,  _ _ like Rhodey _ . She had accepted her penance, she was gonna turn herself in but she wanted to wait until she got word on tony, lord knew she wasn’t gonna get anything in prison. But then no one came after her, sure, some noise was made but it quickly died. She still hid in the shadows, afraid someone might take her, take revenge, or that Ross wanted to snuff out any evidence of his part in those  _ murders _ . 

She wasn’t innocent, sure she got caught up in the glory of captain america, and his muscles and righteousness, but she should’ve known better, she was Tony’s family. But Sam and Clint, those knuckleheads, Sam never knew tony and he had a deep hero-worship complex that slightly reassembled cult activity and Clint? Clint was retired, he had no stake with the accords, he went because of bad information; probably because of loyalty to Wanda, guilt from her brother dying for him. They deserve punishment, but they didn’t deserve the first-degree burns Pepper would undoubtedly give. They deserved a chance to leave before things got heavy, the real criminals behind the near-death of tony and dissolution of the avengers. 

“Clint and sam, they uh, they didn’t know better. They’re idiots, and slightly cultish but they aren’t evil or too illusioned to know when to finally take off the rose glasses. They deserve a chance,  _ tony _ would give them a chance” Sharon pleaded. It was a cheap card to play but she needed to use it, she could tell by the slight sweat she was already gathering that Pepper was furious and determined. 

“Fine” Pepper bit out. 

Natasha sighed in relief, Clint had hell to pay and Laura most definitely would be getting a divorce but he was safe. Sam would need to grovel to get on Rhodey's good side again if he ever wanted to be the colonel's friends again, but he was safe.

“Do you know where they are?” Sharon asked. With all her prowess and skill, she couldn’t figure it out.

Christine and Pepper shared a sardonic smile and an evil gleam. 

“Yes,” they said in unison. 

\-------------------------

Nat thought about the meeting as she walked back to the small studio apartment she was renting. 

The plan was…genius, of course, it was. Pepper had made it. Christine was going to do exclusive interviews with the…”Stark Kids” ( _ of course Tony could get strays while in a coma) _ and the remaining Avengers.  _ Only three Jesus fuck _ . Christine had asked if she was ready to do one too but she politely declined. She had too much to make up for, too much she had to make wipe off before she could claim herself as part of Tony’s family. Before she could forgive herself. 

Nat, Pepper, and Rhodey would do interviews and work on the legal side of things. Everyone had agreed the accords were necessary, Sharon surprised she had agreed with them--given her past actions. Nat also had one more task, to get to the avengers one by one and remind them who they messed with. 

Before leaving, Pepper held back, placing her palm on Natasha’s arm. A quick glance at Christine and Sharon showed them hustling outside hugging briefly before going their respective ways. 

“Natasha, I-I I’m sorry. I’m sorry but everything's changed, tony’s changes, he’s-” pepper looked away, her face tight, “he’s not the same and I will never be the same, we will never be the same” Pepper looked back at Natasha, trying to convey with her eyes what she meant, and all Natasha saw was the damage she had done. She remembered their shared giggled, the lingering looks, soft hands, the tenderness neither of them had ever known to be possible. The friendship they had would never be the same.

“Christine looked great,” she smirked. She understood that this was an end to something precious. But she didn’t  _ do _ feelings, so she did what she knew.  _ Divert, assess, report data.  _

Pepper blushed, her face matching the strawberry blonde perfectly, “yeah” she murmured. 

They walked out of the diner, pepper headed to where Christine stood before turning back to nat, 

“Roma!”

“Yeah”

“Give them frostbite” she growled, teeth gleaming, hands hot. 

Natasha only gave her a brief nod and her own twisted smile. 

\-------------------------

Harley looked at his Aunt? Ex-stepmom? Pal? Mentor? Surprised for him and peter to be included in her scheming. 

Rhodey was there of course but he was woefully avoiding Peter's eyes. Peter doing the same. 

Pepper had just come back from a lunch meeting with some interesting characters, ones he didn’t know how to feel about. 

“First, before we recruit anyone, we need to work on the “rouges” and then the accords” Pepper began, “Peter, Harley, before all this mess, Tony and I had decided to place the both of you as interns to alternate with us…we had hoped to name you as our successors” Harley could hear the implications in her statement, they were meant to be successors in the far off future but with tony in the hospital it seemed to be any day now. 

Pepper paused, the words catching in her throat, “So, along with Peters training, the both of you will spend the weekends with me at SI whether by my side as an intern, or in the R&D lab. This will be in a professional capacity, I know you already know some of the people there when you visited, but now you’ll be an employee. Harley your mom agreed to either let you homeschool or go to peters school for however long you would like to stay. However, neither of you are staying in the compound, we-” she gestured at rhodey and herself, “think it's best if you live with me in the tower and you can visit tony on schedules visits” 

Protests rang out at the thought of leaving their dad, Harley was furious. He needed to be here, he needed to help the mechanic. Their groans and yells were ignored, neither of the adults responding to the slur of words. 

“Enough! You cannot be here, you cannot be here! It is killing the both of you, when was the last time you had a full night of sleep huh? Peter, you're so far away sometimes, distracted by listening to tony’s heartbeat. Harley, you sit in the lab and you yell at the bots, even when FRIDAY doused you from the sprinklers for being mean, you didn’t apologize. You don't work on anything, after making the device for tony you haven’t innovated anything. You three are geniuses, intelligent inventors, creative people, you two and Tony are cut from the same cloth, I know how you think--how you are. Being here is killing you. May agrees, Peter you’re living with me, May will stay here, and Harley if you choose to stay in new york you WILL be staying with me” ordered Pepper. 

Harley and Peter looked down with guilty faces, they could see how frazzled this year made Pepper, how it had aged her. She had been such an important part of their lives, tony had introduced harley to pepper when he turned 13, after the mandarin accident, and pepper had such a big part in peters growing up. She loved Tony's boys, she was like a cool stepmom to Peter when she and Tony were together, and a cool aunt to Harley. She used to be so fun and fierce, now her eyes were hollow and her mouth was always pursed, her once impeccable state could only be described as fly-aways and wrinkled clothes. 

They realized it wasn’t running away or giving up, it was taking a break and letting Tony heal on his own; and it wasn’t just for them either--pepper desperately needed it too. 

They glanced at each other before giving the adults a terse nod. 

This time rhodey spoke up, “Tony will wake up, and we want to give his as little work as possible, so while you guys are helping pepper, Harley you will be monitoring peter during his nighttime activities and if necessary you have access to the rescue amour, the blue and gold is Peppers but the blue and silver is yours” 

Harley inhaled sharply, he hadn’t known Tony wanted him to have a suit, that he made one for him.  _ It's about legacy, the legacy left behind for future generations. It's not about us! _ Tony said that once, he remembered. Before Jarvis died, he showed him a compilation of Tony being immovable--being a hero. He was Tony’s legacy. 

“so-” Rhodes added, unaware of the storm of thoughts in Harley's head, “while you guys are in new york, the rest of us will be in here recovering and working on the accords. Soon we need to get this launched in the next 3-6 months or we’re gonna look like asses” 

Peters snort broke through Harley's thoughts, 3-6 months.  _ Fuck.  _ Harley stood up and crossed his arms tightly. 

_ “ _ Let’s get to work” 

\-----------------------------

“Are you ready”

“No”

“Let’s begin”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no song because i added this to my plan last night. also, i aged up harley, i made him 13 in iron man 3 which would make him 16/17 in this moment. there are alot of inconsistencies i know but im already fed up so. also maybe like 6 more chapters of wallowing before it starts to build up to something positive. sorry.


	12. i hurt myself today...to see if i still feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christine Everhart is a woman on a mission. Tony and she may not always agree, but they respected each other and their work ethic; ultimately, they were friends. After the exclusive interview with pepper regarding the effects of steve on their beloved mechanic, Christine is out for blood on exposing every single one of the rogue avengers. Further investigation reveals steve cheated on tony and beat him multiple times. Christine also fins the truth of what happened in the bunker. But she wont betray tony so she keeps all that she finds to herself. Everyone is finding out the truth about tony/ tony thinks about how it felt falling. (i hurt myself today)

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

\----------------

“Are you ready”

“No”

“Let’s begin”

Christine discreetly watched Sharon take a deep breath, busying herself with fidgeting with the tape recorders. 

“How did you meet Captain America?”

“I was assigned to him personally by my supervisor, he wanted me to watch Rogers and make sure he understood what was happening at the time” the monotonous words sounding like she had already been through them

“What was happening at the time? We, SHIELD, we had some internal issues-” Christine looked at the hesitance pass over Sharon, “I’m sure you heard about the data dump that was due to the infiltration of HYDRA in our higher ranks” she recounted, the question wasn’t if she knew but what exactly did she know. 

“Ah, yes. I believe a colleague of mine headlines it as an infestation in the most formidable defense division” taunted Christine. 

“We weren’t infested? The majority of SHIELD were clean, cleared by both Maria Hill the former deputy director of SHIELD, and Tony Stark a world leader in Defense software and programs. In fact probably on like 20% were hydra, the majority being higher-ups or baby agents easily swayed by the promise from the higher-ups” Sharon said, her brows furrowed. 

“Then I am confused as to why the events transpired as they did” Christine pressed.

“Well we are a vast network, but, Tony had a program ready in like a couple of days to root out good agents and save them after everyone's intel got released. Tony could’ve just as easily created a program with a back door into the servers to systematically root out hydra and assign teams of trusted individuals to take them out. I never understood Rogers or Natasha’s thinking. By the time i got the news, I was already being pulled out from my new assignment by Tony and tasked with helping Maria recover the lost agents” the spy recalled. 

“Did you have any other contact with Rogers?” she prompted

“I-uh… yes. I was tasked in a joint effort by SWORD and JCTC to pretend to betray my team and give Rogers his shield back” Sharon stammered.

“You seem hesitant, did something else happen” she pushed, her eyebrow-raising at the once calm spy. 

“I-we- Rogers and I kissed. When we met I pretended to be his neighbor and we flirted, this was in 2014. Then i never saw him again and after helping maria and tony i went off to work for the CIA. then I saw him, and even though it was a mission, I thought we had a connection. And I never thought that he would kill all those people, hurt tony.”

Christine sucked in a breath. And turned off the recording. 

_ Rogers cheated on Tony. Steve cheated on Tony. oh god.  _

“Did you know?” Christine seethed quietly. Sharon looked up, shame and desperation shining in her eyes. 

“ _ No! _ God no. I didn’t know, I was stationed in JCTC and working for SWORD as well. I was always busy and juggling being a planted agent. I thought Tony was seeing some doctor, we hadn’t caught up. He always had an excuse and I was tired and busy. And I don't read gossip rags. I didn’t know I swear”

“You are going to tell him after this interview” Christine snarled. She pushed the record button and motioned for Sharon to continue. 

“The JCTC wanted to burn me, they realized the implications of them being involved in the murder of those officers and civilians. I didn’t realize that when Thaddeus Ross told me to give Rogers his shield and Sam his wings--he wanted to give Rogers enough rope to hang himself and to be viewed as dangerous. His plan worked, but i don’t think he understood the ramifications, the number of people that died. And no, it wasn’t necessarily our fault, but we were responsible for Rogers being armed in the first place. However, there is no doubt he could have, no, would have done the same damage with his bare fist” Sharon spat. 

“They wanted to charge you with treason and accessory to involuntary manslaughter”

“So I went on the run but the charges were dropped and no bounty was over my head, I was still scared though”

“And” prompted the curious reporter,

“And i was afraid to go back to tony knowing that i played a part in how he ended up, how Rhodes ended up” 

“How do you feel about the captain now?”

“He’s a fraud,” Sharon Carter said tartly. 

\--------------------------------

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

\---------------------------------

“State your name and relationship to Tony Stark AKA Iron Man”

May rolled her eyes, “My name is May Parker, besides being Tony’s friend for years, I co-parent my nephew with him”

“And?”

May gave the woman a sharp glare, “Christine” she warned. 

“Yes I know we both signed NDA, Ms. Potts is very thorough,” Christine purred. 

May gave the younger woman a brief half-hearted glare, before letting her face take on a more neutral look. 

“Tony had friends?! And a child?!” Christine gasped, faux surprise settling in her syrupy voice. 

“I hate you” deadpanned the brunette. 

“So you’ve told me”

“Yes Tony and I have known each other since he took an interest in peter after Richard and mary died-”

Christine made a curious sound,

“- Richard and Mary worked for him, two of his top scientists, he was great friends with him. After they died, Tony placed what they would’ve earned for the rest of the year, and then some, in an account for peter. He would visit on birthdays and babysat when I and Ben needed a break”

May looked up at the ceiling chuckling, “god we weren’t super young, all three of us in our late twenties-early thirties, but none of us had counted on kids or diapers or any of that.” she shook her head at the memories before continuing. 

“Richard and Mary wanted a great job and house with a picket fence but the three of us weren’t like them. We weren’t prepared, but Tony stepped up, really stepped up. He took Peter on the weekends back to Malibu and would care for him. And when Peter went to school here in new york, he always went to his events, hiding in the back.” the hands that had been energetically gesturing stilled and folded in her lap, her voice taking on a more subdued tone,

“Until 2008. When he came back he wasn’t the same. One day he, Ben, and Peter took a day trip to the park; that was the last time he came back for peter. He would write a card and send money and call us for updates but he distanced himself from peter.” she peeked up from her lashes, huffing a laugh, 

Christine only motioned her to continue,

“Until the fall of 2010, after the whole ordeal, he saw peter at the expo and decided to get in contact again. He would have day visits, but Peter had been so hurt missing Tony that Ben and I had decided to not push for more attachment. And then-”

She chuckled, mirth dancing in her eyes at the audacity of the genius, “and then, In 2012, Tony moved to New York, for business but mainly for Peter. He got more involved and would have him for weekends again. We were a family again. Tony got involved in a way that was different than Ben and I. we never could be parents, didn’t want to be parents, so we always made sure we were aunt and uncle to peter.” she looked away wistfully, fingers twisting, 

“ But Tony, Tony took that little boy and his intelligence and fostered it, made it bloom. Peter is kind, Tony never made him lose that kindness, he encouraged it. Sometimes when we would go to pick up Peter, he would be buried into his side mouth open and nose scrunched, they even slept the same. After Ben died-” May stifled a sob,

“it became clearer that Tony was truly Peter's dad. Peter was so broken, blamed himself, and Tony set him straight. Helped him, showed him how to do a tie, and how to conduct an interview, talk to a crush. After Ben died, we decided to share custody and Tony adopted Peter as his son” 

“You trust Tony Stark with your son?” Christine asked. Making sure to make her voice incredulous, even though she didn’t doubt for a minute. 

“Of course I do, Tony is a good man. A real hero” May bit back fiercely, forgetting that it was her friend doing this interview. 

“And your relationship with Tony?” 

“We’re close, me and tony, both Italian. He would come over and cook for us, or take us somewhere discrete, sometimes he and I would have lunch and catch up on how we were. It was good--it is good, strange, but good.” She finished. 

“Was?” Christine asked, picking up on May’s stumble. 

May looked away. She had made a lot of mistakes. One was being ignorant to the threat ben made to tony, ben had been worried about Tony after afghanistan, didn’t want him to be around Peter until he set himself straight. But May knew it broke Tony further. Another mistake was never reporting the bruises and cuts she had tended to on Tony's body. Ones that weren’t from battle but from a lover. 

“Turn the mic off,” she said shortly. Christine looked at May in surprise. Her voice was far from joking and it was clear that what May was going to say was confidential. 

\-------------------------

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

\-------------------------

Christina stared at the white wall in front of her. Trying to wrap her head around what May had told her--the implications of what it all meant. A blurry hand came into view, she blinked and focused her eyes. 

“Hi! I'm Dr. Palmer, I got a page that you wanted to speak to me?” The cheery blonde continued to hold out her hand. 

Christine looked at the Doctor Christine and shook her hand. 

“Hi, I'm Christine Everhart, Reporter for Vanity Fair”

“I know who you are. You’re tony’s other Christine” the doctor smirked.

“Ugh! I know, they really weren’t creative in naming us huh?” Christine laughed. 

“No they were not” Palmer chuckled, “so I’m guessing May sent you here to confirm?”

“Yes, it’s just so hard to believe, I really don’t want to believe it”

“That it was happening right under your nose?” palmer guessed

“Yeah” Christine admitted. Her voice was small and full of shame. 

“Well follow me and I’ll show all the scans and workups we have”

Christine followed the somber doctor. She kept going over what May said,  _ “Rogers abused Tony, physically...and sexually” _ . Christine could tell by the relief that flooded Mays hunched form that she had been keeping this in here for a while. Battling with revealing Tony’s secret. 

They stopped at her office and sat in the small space. Palmer turned the second screen to Christine showing her scans that spanned the months of 2015 and midway through 2016. 

She gasped at the fractures tony had. One in his cheekbone, his left wrist, right forearm, two ribs on both sides. Palmer slid a report across the desk. Christine scanned through the pages, eyes catching on  _ rape kit, anal fissures, bruises on broken cheek, legs, arms, and buttocks, mild concussion, patient should be admitted for 2 days for observation.  _ She raised her hand to her mouth in horror. 

“He didn’t stay for observation huh?” 

Palmer's head shook 

“He didn’t press charges I'm guessing since the sonofabitch was still free to destroy Tony more”

Another shake.

“...He didn’t even come voluntarily, did he?

Palmer didn’t even bother with a gesture. They both knew the answer. 

“Fuck” Christine tilted her head back and pressed the heel of her hands into her eyes--a sorry attempt to stave off the incoming tears. 

“From what I understood, Tony went to May after a particularly bad night and a bad morning, the sperm discharge still in and on Tony. he had a broken wrist as well as everything else in the report. He had wanted May to set his arm and splint it, but she dragged him to her car and took him here. He was tired, weak but still lucid, he resisted care and insisted on only taking care of what could be done today. After that, from what may told me, he went to her to get stitched up and superficially fixed. Only when it was super bad did he let her take him to me, and only me. I signed an NDA that I would not contact the police or let anyone know. And he made May promise and sign an NDA” Christine looked on at Palmer glaring at her fidgeting hands, carrying a look of shame and pleading. 

“It’s not your fault, he backed you into HIPAA and what good would that have done. He probably insisted it wasn’t rape. And even if it was, Rogers had a reputation as the Paragon of men, The Good Guy; nothing except a short career would’ve come from contacting the authorities. And Tony was ashamed and desperately trying to convince himself that what he and Rogers had was love. It's not your fault” Christine uttered. Wanting to reach over and still the twitching doctor's hands. 

“What are you going to do now?”

Christine didn’t have an answer to that.

\-------------------------------

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

\-------------------------------

Except, it turned out she did. 

It was a good thing May had the boys this weekend; distracted by their new responsibilities and an eager Ned. Because what Christine had told them was...heartbreaking. 

Pepper and Rhodes held each other, crying, as they listened to Christine explain the abuse Tony had experienced. 

Barnes had already stalked down to the hulk room to let loose. 

Vision had phased himself through a wall on accident and hadn’t come back.

And Helen, Strange, Maria, and Fury all were stunned silent. Anger and sadness coursing through their veins. 

And Natasha, she stood in Tony’s old labs watching the meeting through a live feed. Ice hot fury coiling in her stomach. She let herself crumble to the ground, her brother, her Antoshka had gone through this and she hadn’t even noticed. 

Christine showed them the scans. The report from Dr. Palmer. She watched her family crumble even more because of Rogers. 

“I'm not reporting this, none of us knows this information. I received this without Tony’s consent, we cannot act on this unless Tony himself wants to.” Christine finished, her words firm and unwavering. 

They all nodded. 

“Is there more?” Fury guessed,

“Yes I think we should take a break”

“No.” Rhodey intoned. Already finished with the silent tears and working on reigning in his anger. 

Christine looked down before glancing at Fury and Maria, “Steve cheated too...with a woman”

Fury cursed and clasped his hands, pressing into his forehead. Maria's stoic face flashed angrily at Fury. 

“What do you know?” Strange barked.

“We assigned an agent 13 to do recon and light infiltration on Rogers in 2014. After extracting her from her mission in taking down Rumlow, she was sent as a double agent for SWORD into JCTC. SWORD is essentially Tony’s version of Shield, except it has a twin intergalactic division.” he explained, taking on a professional quality,

“That SWORD was spearheaded by a former colleague of Fury and Peggy. SWORD was Tony’s answer to all the burned agents, in the rest of the universe it is known as Sentient World Observation and Response Department, but on earth, it is called Starks World Operations and Reconnaissance Division” Maria smiled lightly at the quirky name, it hadn’t been Tony’s idea, the agents had come up with that name in reverence to tony.

“Maria-” fury continued, “heads that defense program, its privatized, most of its funding coming from Stark but a bit comes as a collection from the United Nations.” He nodded in Pepper direction, 

“you knew that of course. But no one except Tony knew was that we planted Agent 13 in the CIA. She gave us intel that Ross wanted to give some rope for Rogers to hang himself, Maria and Stark had a meeting agreeing to let Ross do whatever shady thing he needed to do, giving ammo for Legal to use it as a basis for Ross’s case that they were working on. Maria had hacked into the JCTC network and was monitoring agent 13.” his professional demeanor faltered as he continued, 

“But...we didn’t know agent 13 had become involved with rogers...romantically.” he held his breath as he waited for the beratement and yells to come. 

Nobody said anything. Stunned, that someone so close to them had done something so callous to Tony. only Stephen looked confused. 

“I don’t understand, who is agent 13?”

“I’m agent 13” 

\------------------------------

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

\-----------------------------

Natasha wasn’t surprised when Christine had called her. She had been waiting for the blonde to confirm her unasked questions. She didn't expect to be tasked with a mission. 

“The answer is maybe. But that’s not important right now, I need you to do something for me” the smarmy blonde said in lieu of a greeting. 

“What is it?” Natasha monotoned.  _ Better have a good reason for being rude, it's like 3 in the morning.  _

“You were up anyways-” Christine gruffed knowingly, “I need you to find out what happened in Siberia and I need it by yesterday” 

Natasha hung up the phone and went to work,  _ in lieu of goodbye _ . 

\----------------------------

She called Sharon, she needed to be in two places at the same time. They agreed to split location, Sharon would handle the authorities and Zemo,  _ Natasha couldn’t face the man who had cackled at the destruction of her family, _ and Natasha went to look for the bunker where tony had frozen. Natasha agreed to dye her hair that straw-colored blonde and put in deep brown contacts. Turning herself into Sharon. They placed a new mole on the same corner of their lips and added a slight prosthetic extension to their nose. A person couldn’t be in the same place at the same time so the authorities would dismiss them as look-alikes of Sharon Carter, who didn’t have a bounty over her head or burned agents primed to burn her as well. 

Neither of them liked what they found. 

\----------------------------------------

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

\----------------------------------

All eyes turned towards her, the weird cape guy immediately stood and flexed his gloved hands and dangerous-looking magic circles appeared, the weird guy was dangerous. Everyone else looked at her murderously but made no effort to stand. 

“Do you have it?” challenged Christine. 

“Yeah,” Sharon took a breath, “I do”. Nobody said anything, curiosity, and rage battling for dominance. The silence was deafening, tense, and pungent. 

“This weird moment is cool and all, but “I’m agent 13”,” Stephen mocked, “explains nothing. So explain!”

“My name is Sharon Carter, I am the grand-niece of Peggy Carter, but she raised me because my mom was constantly sick and my grandma was already in her last years and couldn’t care for her dead daughter's child.” she bit out, going for nonchalance, 

“ I grew up with Tony. Peggy was his godmother and we spent the majority of my childhood together. He was 16 when i was born, and he immediately took on a big brother role with me, especially after 1991, even when he was out the night before partying or tired from school and stane, he would play with me and care for me.” she said quietly, reminiscing on the life she had before it all went to shit, 

“He was my big brother, and with aunt Peggy getting on with her years he took more of an active role...until I joined Shield. We grew distant until 2012, once he could be publicly affiliated with SHIELD and acknowledge their existence did he start talking to me again. As you heard I was put undercover, there i met Steven Grant Rogers, i posed as his neighbor, he flirted a lot with me. When we met again, part of my task to give Rogers the shield, he flirted more and we kissed.” she added robotically, posture stiff and hands clasped behind her back, 

“ I did not know he and Tony were engaged until on the run I noticed a newspaper with a picture of tony’s bruised hand and a ring” she finishes forcibly, desperate to convince the truth. 

No one said anything, Stephen sated and regretful, the rest of the group trying to comprehend. 

Helen nodded, “Sometimes Warren happens, at least you’re out of the woods,” she said casually. 

The Legally Blonde reference causes a short laughing fit, breaking the strangling tension.

Everyone mulled over her explanation, they all met Sharon in 2012 when Tony had brought her by to one of their monthly gatherings. Rhodey had also known her since she was a baby. It made sense what she said, she wasn’t malicious,  _ Rogers hadn’t seemed malicious either.  _

“What is it that you have for Christine?” inquired pepper, the lightness of the question helping to disturb the heavy atmosphere. 

Sharon looked at Christine, letting her take the lead. 

“As part of my part in uncovering the sins of the former avengers, I requested two of my contacts to retrieve information about what happened in the bunker; one of my contacts being Carter. She and the other contact gathered their intel and I have the report in my hand. FRIDAY helped me assemble a compilation...the images and videos are graphic and disturbing” Christine nodded after her warning and the room dimmed, a video appearing on the holo screen. 

_ Did you know? _

_ He’s my friend _

_ I can do this all-day _

_ So was i _

_ He Killed my mother  _

_ Stand down _

This group had been through their fair share of traumas. It was part of the life they had signed up for but this was painful, a knife-in-you-gut painful, to watch their friend, who was so good even when he didn’t see it die inside.

1991 taking on a new meaning

Christine let out a shaky breath. She had already seen the damn video, but watching it again gave her a new kind of hurt. One by one everyone left the room, too overcome to stay in the darkened room. The screen had long turned off and the only one left was her. 

Bathed in the light of the flickering holoscreen she stood up. Palms spread open until she brought them together, the smack sounding through the room, the holoscreen gone. 

\--------------------------------

What have I become

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

\-----------------------------------

The feeling of falling was...euphoric. It was letting go and it was peace. When he fell, he had looked at the sky and the blanket of stars,

He had told Rhodey a story once, on how his Jarvis had explained death when ana had died. How Jarvis, grieving and in pain, had sat Tony down on his bed, tucked the boy close to him and told him about stars, how what we see is only the legacy of the star, the memory. That the star had already died, but was so bright and big and so far in the heavens that we would always see it, its legacy, its memory. Jarvis had hooked his chin over his head and said, “Tony, don’t ever forget the stars”. He never did, so when he was  _ ready _ to be a star himself, he looked up and saw the beautiful twinkling stars, looked at the legacy, and let himself fall.

And it was beautiful.

\---------------------------------

If I could start again

A million miles away

I will keep myself

I would find a way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was tough, sorry you had to read that lmao. the song kinda matches but more it was like the group wanting to find out was like them hurting themselves, but it was kinda necessary. ahaha.


	13. if i get high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is during Tony's coma. tw warning there is a slur.

I'll meet you at the divide

To break the spell

A point where two worlds collide

Yeah, we'll rebel

\------------------------

“Cuore Mio, wake up. It is time to start the day.” 

Tony's eyes shot open 

“Vita Mia! Please greet you mother so that we can begin this bella giornata” 

He looked at the creamy white ceiling, ornate crown molding decorating it. This wasn’t the compound. He turned his head towards the light source. His mother stood beside the curtains she had just thrown open. 

His mother stood. 

His mother. 

He tensed his body, expecting the ache of movement as he wound up in a sitting position. Nothing popped or groaned or creaked. Gingerly, he lifted his hands, rotating his wrist as he took in his whole hands. 

They were whole, not disgusting and destroyed-- _whole_. 

_He was whole_

His mother moved from where she stood, sitting on the edge of his bed, concerned warring on her face. She reached out a hand to feel his forehead, he didn’t let her. 

He scrambled to where she sat and pulled her into a deep undignified hug. Her perfume was...so sweet and perfect. He buried his face into her dark curls, she grasped the back of his head with one hand, the other stroking his back lovingly. It was all too much, too terrible, too wonderful. 

“You were dead?” hesitated Tony, 

“Yes,” she smiled. 

“Oh”

No more questions were asked. They spent the morning in the garden, rooting through the weeds and pruning the rose bushes. It wasn’t until they sat in the kitchen, lemonade and finger-sandwiches did Maria speak up.

“Why are you here Antonio?” 

Tony groaned internally, this was a conversation he had wanted to avoid, “to be with you, of course” he gave her an insufferable grin, charming and annoying--perfect for his mother. 

She raised an unimpressed eyebrow, mouth flat. 

“Mama, please, not today” Tony whined,

She opened her mouth to say something but closed after it a moment, _thank god._

They spent the rest of the day calmly like no time had passed, giggling and being mischievous. After finishing the garden, soft soil covering tony, maria snuck behind him and doused him with cold water from the hose. 

He whipped around, a superficial snarl on his face, she giggled like mad before spraying him with more water. He quickly overpowered her, taking the nozzle hose and turning it on her. She shrieked with laughter, her shrill voice yelling at him to stop. She ran to the knob and shut off the water. They both stood there grinning like mad at each other. It was perfect. She was exactly like she had been before. And the best part, she wasn’t bruised or faking a smile after an encounter with his dad, she was perfect, just as he remembered her. 

They both went into the house, off to shower and change into warm clothes. When Tony finished he went into the kitchen and began pulling out the ingredients for pasta carbonara. A light hum brought his attention to a tanned man in a three-piece suit. The man in question had a stern look on his face, hands in his pocket, the rumpled vest and shirt showing. 

“What are you doing here tony? Huh?” the man taunted. Tony’s face dropped at the sight of the dead man, eyes wide and he continued to stare at his father. 

_No, no, no! You’re not supposed to be here, this is my escape, you’re not supposed to be here!_

“Did you hear me Boy?!-” the man shouted, dragging out the ‘boy’ in a mocking drawl. 

Tony flinched, he had no armor, no suit, nothing. 

“- I SAID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” the man stalked towards tony, getting closer until only the island in the center of the kitchen stood between them. Tony took a step back, retreating until his spine hit the hard counter behind him. 

“You’re gonna flinch like a pussy? Gonna hide here forever? Huh? What are you doing here, after everything i did for you, taught you! _Stark Men are made of Iron!_ You’re gonna throw it all away because some fucking fuck up happened between you and Rogers and the world?! I’m trying to get over the fact that your a fucking pansy fag who was shacking up with the Captain America but then you keep acting like one eh” the man only kept getting closer until his whiskey-breath fouled over tony, the stench the only clue the imposing man was drunk. _I remember this_ , Tony thought.

Tony ducked his head, head empty except for the memories of his father's drunken abuse. 

“YOU were supposed to be my greatest creation '' Howard hissed, voice low, spit specking the back of tony’s neck. He turned his back and walked out of the room and Tony let himself crumble to the floor, a whimper passing through his lips. 

He had been doing so well, so happy, it had been a _good_ day. He was able to walk and move without soiling himself and he could speak freely. He had had a good day. 

He sat there for a while the side of his face pressing into the tiled floor, cold meeting his flushed face. The wetness that had accumulated ran down his face onto the floor, grasping himself he tucked his knees into his chest, doing his damndest to stave off a panic attack. 

He closed his eyes at the sound of pattering feet and a swishing skirt. The footsteps came closer and cold hands lifted his tired head. She pulled him up onto his knees, eyes searching his figure, worry etched on her face. Satisfied, she pulled her face back, locking him in place with her _cold_ hands and searching eyes, she looked so old, how she would’ve looked had she been alive, tired and old. 

“Tony-” she uttered slowly, “why are you here?” the question reeled Tony, his face burning as he rushed up and out of the kitchen. 

\---------------------------------------

He woke up with a start, soft sheets covering his body, next to him he low groan sounded. Familiar and warm. He turned towards steve, his steve, fear pulsing through him. He edged away from the bed, breathes coming in frantic, he kept his eyes on steve not noticing the edge of the bed was only one scoot away. Suddenly he fell, his head smacking on the corner of a nightstand. Tony touched the back of his head, probing the throbbing bruise. Before closing his eyes. _New dream please_ , he begged his brain. 

“Sweetheart! Are you okay?” Steve now had kneeled next to his body, hands cradling Tony’s head with a reverence he wistfully remembered. _Before Ultron, before Barnes, before Wanda, before the fight._ The hulking man lifted Tony’s petite form onto the bed, keeping a firm hand on his back to support him. Steve crouched in front of Tony, concerned, warring his face, love, noticeable in every glance. 

“Tony-” he goaded playfully, “c’mon sweetheart this is our first morning and stuff, it was supposed to be special” he blushed. The bashful look transformed him into a golden retriever.

“Because let me tell ya, last night sure was special, it was very very special” he unapologetically leered, his face still flushed from the flirting. 

Tony choked his mouth opening and closing. He looked stupid, _I know that,_ this was a memory or a lucid dream based on the memory of his first time with Steve. When Steve had been steve and not rogers. 

“I’m okay, Pops. for sure, I'm chill, ya know” he garbled out, the nicknames and puns unintended. He had already tried to go back to sleep when he hit his head, meaning he was stuck here. 

“Alright let's head out before they think I'm holding you hostage huh?” Steve grinned, taking Tony’s hand and leading him out of his room and into the kitchen. 

Greetings and shouts rang out, the whistles that followed only amplifying Steve's shit-eating grin. Stepping into the kitchen he could see Natasha not bothering to hide her smirk and clint whistling and doing hip thrust. He sidled up to Natasha, her smile dropping at his confused face. It seemed like everyone was here, Thor was clapping his hand on Steve's shoulder, congratulating them on their “momentous coupling” and their “fine match”, Bruce shared a soft smile with him before blushing and turning away from Natashas smirk. Some strange man was there, giving Steve a slow clap and a large smile. _Wilson, god he looks different._

Everyone had been happy they had gotten together, Steve and Tony moved to the kitchen and immediately began cooking, their movements in-sync. It was practically muscle memory to make team breakfast when everyone was here, it felt good. He looked at the smiling faces of his once team with painful sighs. They hadn’t been like this for a long time, hadn’t trusted each other like this for a long time. It hurt like hell, _are they doing this in Wakanda?_ Once breakfast was served, Tony went to his lab downstairs. He entered the familiar space, the tower had been a threshold of peace and happiness, he missed it. 

He sat in his lab, eyes staring at the door, desperate to change the dream. His unfocused stare blurred the edges of the woman coming into his lab, rubbing his eyes, he turned back to her form. _Natasha_. She looked at his quizzically, 

“What are you here antoshka?” the question was innocent, she didn’t know she was part of his desperate imagination. He turned away from her, dropping his head on the table, fingers wrapping the back of his skull. He closed his eyes and felt the bruise, it was better than most of what Steve had done to him, it hurt more though. 

\------------------------------------------

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

\-----------------------------------------

Tony sat up in bed again, it was dark this time and his sheets felt more worn down than the others had. He looked around the darkened room, his eyes catching on a figure. The person moved elegantly from the lounge chair on the edge of his bed. The moonlight highlighting the woman's beautiful eyes _and_ the colorful bruises around her neck. 

_Howard!? Howa-_

_One. two. Three._

_Please!_

_Fingernails scraping metal, battling to grasp the arm holding her life._

She peered at him, her face resolute, 

“Tony, why are you here?” she demanded. 

\---------------------------------------------

He woke up again, this time to the feeling of a small body wrapped around him and a foot on his bladder. Hair invaded his nostrils, the scent of coconut shampoo filling his senses. The body on his back burrowed deeper into him, _there isn’t much to burrow into, to be frank_ , the foot on bladder pressed harder. He yelped, feeling his body seize up, a giggle broke through his thoughts. He opened his eyes to look at the laughing boy, his fluffy hair sticking up everywhere.

He was 14 but he still looked small and young. He tried to reach to pinch the fucker but a whine stopped him. _Peter._ Anyone who knew Peter knew he was the worst to wake up, only one thing would work, he hated to do it but he had to pee _badly_. He rolled from side to side like an alligator, trying to shake off the scrawny boy with severe attachment issues. Finally, he detached from tony’s back, sat on the bed with a frown and vicious sleepy glare. Tony moved to the backboard of his bed, bladder forgotten. Harley lay sprawled on his side, nerves coming off in waves as he tried to act casual. Peter moved next to Tony and latched on his arm, and attempted to sleep once again. 

He tried to distinguish if this was a memory or a lucid dream. He looked at the scene before him. _This is a memory!_ He knew what this was, this was the first time Harley had come to New York for the summer, actually, it was the first summer in New York for all of them, Malibu previously being the place Peter and tony spent it at. 

Peter had a nightmare before, another remnant from the mandarin affair, and Harley had helped him to Tony’s room. After he had settled into Tony’s side, Harley had hesitantly walked back to the door, before peter had called out, 

_“Harley could you stay, I know it's babyish but-”_

_“It's not babyish!” tony cut in indignantly. His squawk was ignored by the little rats._

_Harley looked questioningly at tony, his lifted eyebrow and hopeful stare breaking tony’s heart,_

_“Yea sure kid, whatever” Tony said with a fake groan. Obviously exaggerated._

He remembered this, had treasured it. It was 2014, the best year of his life. His kids had met and were opening up more, he had Steve, and the team was a family. It had been perfect. 

He came back to the scene, let out a long sigh, and got up. He walked through the door of his private suite. All too happy to yell, “up up duckling, times-are-a-wasting! Let's get some waffles in ya before we do today's experiment.” his happiness was infectious, it was just him and the boys...and Natasha. 

When he rounded the corner into the kitchen he saw the spy perched on the island, a rare smile gracing her face, the ingredients for their breakfast already laid out. He looked around suspiciously, a hand behind him splayed to stop Peter and Harley from entering. He hoped none of the avengers were here, he wasn’t sure about bringing them around yet, Peter had gotten attached to step-Strange, it had been hard to tell him they broke up. 

“What are you doing here, Ms. Red?” he queried, voice buttery. 

She only smiled and pulled up a picture on her phone of them sleeping in a big cuddle ball, her eyes glinted and her smile turned feral. _Blackmail. Fuck_

“Delete that now Friday!” Tony barked,

“Who do you think helped me get them Kotenok” her saccharine-sweet voice dripping over every syllable. 

“You can’t just-” Tony groaned, “-flirt with my AI to get what you want!” he rubbed his face harshly, “I mean come one babygirl! She bats her eyelashes and you give her whatever she wants,” he said morosely. 

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I believe is the correct saying” Friday interjected smugly. 

The little boys discontent to be unincluded, rounded Tony and went into the kitchen. Peter ran to Natasha, eyes lit as he wrapped himself around her. 

“маленький паук, how are you this morning? Did you have a good sleep?” she ribbed lightly. 

Harley stood off to the side, arms folded. a blush high on his cheeks. Tony knocked him lightly, and he mumbled out a quick good morning. 

“Hello Mr. Keener, Tony has told you so much about you, my name is-”

“Little bitch-”

“Er no that's you,”

“Oh, you're right… her name is Ugly bitch actually.” The smug look was infallible even after Natasha set her icy glare on him.

The boys giggled and Harley looked more comfortable, Tony counted that as a win. 

“My name is Natasha Romanoff. You can call me Natasha, this one-” she said gesturing at the hyper 13-year-old, “-calls me Ms.Black Widow ma’am, so anything will be better I think” she stood up from the island and headed toward the cupboard. 

Peter blushed and stuck a tongue out at her behind her back,

“I saw that,” she sang. 

Tony herded both of them around one side of the counter, handing them fruit and cutting board before placing a knife in front of Harley. A quickly silenced groan came from Peter at the lack of weaponry. 

“Nope. last time sucked, you sucked. There was blood in my fruit. That you tried to hide and playoff as ketchup because apparently, I eat ketchup with fruit” 

“That is a perfectly valid excuse Dad” Peter grumbled, ducking his head at his slip up. 

Tony only hummed and set to work at scooping and frying the batter Natasha had made. It had been a perfect day. 

until the memory changed

Until Steve had come up, confused that Tony was here. Someone had slipped that he was home, and he had demanded to see tony. _This isn’t part of it, I don't remember this_. 

Jarvis had tried to warn him but it was too late, the elevator dinged open and Steve stepped out. 

Tony had the boys behind him, Natasha at his side, she wasn’t sure why tony was on edge but tony needed her at his side this time. _This time, this time, this time._

Steve barreled into the kitchen, mouth pursed and eyes flinty, 

_But not last time huh_

“Stark! Why are you here?”

_Would you believe me if I said: “I don't know?”._

\----------------------------------------

Until we break through

If I get high enough

If I get high enough

Will I see you again?

I feel my loss every night

Not long to wait

And if I do this thing right

I dream of our escape

\---------------------------

Tony woke up in a bed he didn’t know, with a body hovering over him. He patted himself down, _still clothed thank god_ , and tried to squirm out from under the girl. She looked drunk but not super drunk, 

“How old are you?” he asked, praying the familiar face was not who he thought it was, 

“24 sugar” she winked. _Fuck it was his TA. that's where I remember her._

“Sorry, miss but I gotta go” tony was no stranger to sleeping with older people in fact in real life he had slept with her, but this tony had learned and lived and was not gonna let this woman 8 years his senior sleep with him. He moved to get up but she started crying as he tugged on his pants. 

“You’re rejecting me? I’ll give you a bad grade you little shit, come back here!” 

The door flew open as a burly kid stepping into the room, 

“You slept with my girlfriend? You cheated on me, Vanessa?! With this guy?!” the dude roared. Tony knew at this moment that everything had gone to shit. In real life the guy punched him two weeks later when he found out they slept together, it had _hurt_. Then he had been able to slip out and sprint across campus to his apartment. Now, he was in a dark room, with his pants undone and his shirt missing and only one shoe on. 

The guy lunged forward as Tony dodged him. Suddenly, a foot stuck out in front of the large gentleman, tripping him onto his face. 

“Tones!” a voice called out, _my hero_. Tony grabbed the rest of his stuff and bolted out the door and out of the house. Shouts and slurs could be heard screaming out of the frat house. Tony and Rhodey ran down the sidewalk before Tony suddenly stopped. _I could just close my eyes and sleep, and I could be gone._

_1_

_2_

_3_

_…_

_Nope_

“Tones, run! Why did you stop?!” Tony felt Rhodey take him and pull him across the lawn of some frat house. Rhodey looked...different. Younger, like in college. He remembered the hands sliding down his torso--so did he. 

“Tony for fucks sake man, I'm 18 and I feel like I'm your father!” Rhodey screeched. They ran to their dorm room, slammed the door, their heavy breaths the only sound. Until Rhodey laughed, and Tony couldn’t help but join him. 

“One more year huh? Then you’ll leave me alone? Honeybear please, don't leave me behind to fend for myself!” tony dramatized. The exaggerated desperation had some truth, Tony needed Rhodey. 

“Whatever pretty boy, you’re grown, you can take care of yourself” Rhodey huffed. 

“So you think I'm pretty?” Tony purred, batting his eyes at his roommate, his best friend. His friend spluttered and left the bathroom, stripping his clothes as went by. Tony watched the lines of his back furtively, the sneaking glances unnoticed by the older boy. 

_I used to have a crush on him,_ Tony remembered. Tony followed Rhodey into the restroom, neither of them batting an eye when tony sat on the counter with a guitar, shirtless, pants undone, voice beautifully rusty, singing the lyrics to their favorite song, 

_come home in the morning light_

_My mother says, "When you gonna live your life right?"_

_Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones_

_And girls, they wanna have fun_

_Oh girls just want to have fun_

It didn’t take long for Rhodey to join in from the shower, Tony's fingers playing harder, the crescendo of voices and strings filling their foggy restroom. 

Their finale came when Rhodey opened the curtain, towel firm on his hips, his giggled already fading, 

“Why are you here?”

Tony waited for the pull into another dream, he fucking hated whatever this was, he felt like scrooge being whipped from time to time. But No pull came, he opened the eyes he hadn’t even realized he closed and shrugged. 

Hopping off the counter, he gave Rhodes a peck on the corner of his lips and hopped into the shower, clothes and all. 

Rhodey snickered at his antics and left the small restroom to change. Tony stood in the shower, all joy leaving his body. His jeans clung uncomfortably to him, the denim heavy and itchy. He felt the water in his socks, the single shoe becoming a mini pool of water. He felt uncomfortable, heavy, but he couldn’t make himself move to strip. He let the spray of water fall over him, droplets running from his jaw to his jugular to his stomach. He didn’t bother to close his eyes, letting the water pressure sting his eyes. He felt both adrenalized and flat, his hands itching to do something but his legs locked under the flow of warm water. 

“Tony? You good man?” Rhodes' voice called from outside, the door opened and Tony could hear the soft slide of Rhodes' house shoes across the bathroom tile. 

_rhodey walking_

_rhodey walking_

“It's been a while man, like 40 minutes, plus its Friday we're supposed to watch E.T” Rhodey popped his head into the shower, tony didn’t bother turning but he knew rhodey was shaking his head and frowning. He felt bad for making Rhodey take care of him, saving him from his abusers and from a dangerous situation, worrying for him. He knew any second Rhodey would risk his warm clothes, sit him down in the tub and wash his hair, his back, chest, caring for Tony in any way he could. He needed to stop being so selfish. 

“Yah-” he cleared his throat, -”yeah m'good”

An unconvinced “okay” came from the kind boy but he relented and popped out of the restroom. Tony shucked his jeans and single shoe, hands scrubbing violently along his form, hair matted and soapy. He took one final step under the spray, ignoring the question in his head. 

He jumped into some comfy clothes, stolen from Rhodey, and affected a winning smile, 

“Honeybear, please tell me you’re ready for some awesome one on one with me” tony twittered, his voice sultry and jittery. An odd combination that shouldn’t work but it did because it was tony, and tony knew that. 

They watched the movie, bodies pressed together, tony tucked under the arm of his best friend. When the movie finished, Rhodey had shuffled sleepily to his room, his yawn echoing through the quiet room. Tony could only sit there, it was hard to be there knowing what he knew, having done what he did. It was hard to watch Rhodey walk when he had paralyzed him, had broken him. He sat there for ages, thoughts racing, memories of the past, and future coming to mind. He couldn’t stand being alone anymore, he shot up and rushed to Rhodeys room. 

Rhodey was fast asleep, his snores (which he always denied) filling the room, he slept on his side, his arm cradling his head. He looked peaceful and warm and Tony didn’t want to disturb him but he was selfish and tired of his mind. He crawled next to the older boy, his petit frame a perfect fit for the tight space. Rhodey hissed when he pressed his cold feet against his shin, his grumbles losing their merit when he willingly wrapped his arms around Tony and kissed his forehead. The gentle moment was ruined by Rhodeys gravelly voice, 

“Why are ya here, tony” 

Tony screwed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay here. 

\-----------------------------------------

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

And we run

Until we break through

\-------------------------------------

Tony strode through the compound, confident, and firm. 

“Carter, did you get the analysis from yesterday's fight? Make sure to send it to Cap and sugar bear, they're gonna need it for the meeting tomorrow. Also, ask little red if she finished the report for the Joint Sword and New Avengers Op”

“Yes sir, and the analysis is on your home screen in your office”

The Nanos shifted back into his arc reactor. His flight suit was incredibly tight, leaving his muscles and lithe form on display. It was an unusual sight but he didn’t bother to change, his team already used to his casualness. He walked into the kitchen, his favorite spiders already there. Kamala was there too, their newest member, she had been orphaned, her powers a result of the Terragenesis, unfortunately, a group of Inhumans wishing to purify the world killed her human parents, Natasha led a team of operatives to rescue her. This had been a year ago, but Kamala was still prone to moments of shyness and twitching. 

But not with tony. 

“Hi Abba!” the girl effused. Her cheery smile forcing a grin of his own. 

Tony had to be an anchor of safety--of comfort. Had embraced her religion, her beliefs, her doubts, and her fear. He had a team quickly take the bodies of her family, wash them, and bury them. He even had the whole team bring food to the Stark wing for 40 days. He did his best to make her feel comfortable, mandating therapy, and bi-weekly independent training sessions to help control her powers. 

“hello Kammi, gotta run and meet harls at the office today, Peter, don't forget about the deadline in two days, Sweetheart, send your finished report to me and the UN for the meeting next month, it's your turn, also I booked us a mini-vacation in Vienna so I will be flying in after the meet to debrief and to uh, debrief” the twin groans at his last leering remark left him feeling giddy. It felt good. He had his best friends back, someone who understood the weight of being damaged, two of his kids were getting along and not fighting (he had yet to check on Harley), and the world wasn’t going to shit. 

His strides never faltered as he passed the hallways and training rooms, he felt good. He watched his aerial team through the windows. The flyers fought Harley's training bots, their precision, and accuracy visible through the short time he watched them. He stepped into his office, the comfortable space ostentatious enough to satisfy some of his more classist visitors and subtle enough not to annoy his more capricious guest. He sat in his plush chair, a sigh escaping his lips. He tugged his lower lip with his teeth and looked over the files on his screen. Nobody had died in the latest Avengers mission, their target had been obtained in the joint SWORD and New Avengers mission, and counselors had given positive analysis on all members across the globe.

He looked at the reports from the fantastic four, Inhumans, the Defenders, X-men, and independent heroes, as one of the ambassadors for Super-Heros, he had to oversee all superhero groups. It was a great job, and really he only had to check with the leaders and mandated counselors to ensure the safety and health of the teams. He was grateful for the rest of the board, Xavier oversaw all mutants, Coulson and Johnson oversaw all Inhumans, Strange over the sorcerer's, naturally, Natasha oversaw all covert operatives and independent supers, Rhodey, Carol, and Hope oversaw all of the avenger's bases, and while he and Vision ran the Young Avengers he was hoping to pass it onto Vision and Harley. It was a great team of people, he had a family, an interesting romantic life, he was healthy. 

Hands covered his eyes, smooth and gentle. one cold, one warm. 

“Well hello,” Tony smirked, he knew those hands, those hands had known him. He kept his eyes shut even when the hands dropped and turned his chair around. 

The silence that followed had been unexpected. He peeked one eye at the person in front of him, 

“Barnes- Tony accused the question still noticeable in his flat voice.

“Tony, “ the man begged, “why are you here?”

\-----------------------------

If I get high enough

If I get high enough

Will I see you again?

Will I see you again?

\---------------------------------

“Ask me that question one more time and I swear” tony gruffed. 

“...”

“Sorry I didn’t mean that”

“...”

“I just can't waste this. I can’t! I will never see you again, and I'm here and I can see you and I'm happy”

“Tony-”

“No” 

“Tony-”

“No dammit Mom!” his cries were ignored, the desperation in his voice ignored. Fuck he hated that whiny twinge. 

“Why are you here?”

“Because” he spluttered, looking anxiously at the pristine woman in front of him. 

“Because I'm tired and don't think I can fix anything anymore. Because it’s been years since I’ve dreamed something good. Because, everything I do makes the world turn to shit, because rogers broke my heart, because I still love him, because I broke their hearts-- because I am not made of Iron” he snarled. 

his outburst brought forth memories, he thought of everyone asking him why he was there. He sobbed into the pillow, his scream purposefully muffled. He could feel the oncoming headache that would result but he was too tired to care. His mother carded her hands through his hair, rocking his body with hers, the swaying movement giving him peace. He fell asleep on her shoulder, her on his pillow. They both fell asleep with bruises on their neck and tear tracks on their face. 

\--------------------------

Tony woke up with a start. 

“Why are you here?”

“I don’t know”

“okay”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made rhodey two years older than tony, and im really sorry for the slur. also pls comment i rly like when yall comment, good or bad :)


	14. use somebody pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Peter do some morally ambiguous and unethical things. James has a crush. Vision talks and Natasha tries to but is unsuccessful.

Tony woke up with a start. 

“Why are you here?”

“I don’t know”

“Okay”

\---------------------------------------

I've been roaming around

Always looking down at all I see

Painted faces, fill the places I can't reach

\-----------------------------------------

James didn’t mean to end up here, he had taken to patrolling the compound--or more specifically the medic bay. It helped ease his mind and his therapist approved of him taking walks, she hadn’t specifically meant walks at 2 am or walks with a knife and a gun, they could discuss it at their next session. Still, he hadn’t meant to for this room specifically to be his final destination, but he was still here. 

He passed the door lackadaisical, his affected casualness a sorry attempt to conceal his concern, always checking that no one else was there. Once he was sure it was secure he would sit in the corner of the room, this time though, he moved the feet of the bed. James was always so awed by Tony, how he had made it this far, he never faulted him for wanting to take his life. After everything James learned about Tony and who he was, he felt positively smitten with the man. He had even given James a name, one that made him happy. He remembered his conversation with Yonni, 

“Today I am James” he had announced, 

His therapist, Yonni, only quirked her eyebrow and greeted him kindly, “Hello James, how are you”

He was taken aback at how easily it had been for her to accept his new title. He hadn’t quite worked out the kinks of who this James character was, but, every great book has the right title--he felt like James was the right title. 

He had been reading a lot of books, Homework from his therapist for his assimilation process. It wasn’t a difficult task. books were...an escape. 

He had taken to reading to tony. He liked reading aloud, he liked talking out loud but only if the words had a purpose. Reading to tony felt like a good purpose.

He knew it was twisted to be infatuated with a man you almost murdered, but he couldn’t help himself. Tony was the sun, he was a goddamn star. He was fucking brilliant. 

That was another thing his therapist had quirked her eyebrow at.

“Why do you believe you are so passionate and concerned about Mr. Stark?” she asked, 

“I dunno” he mumbled

“Why do you like the name James?” she challenged. James reeled at her question,  _ honestly? Now you're curious? _

“Because it's nice, and it's mine and not a memory of someone else” 

“And because Tony gave it to you” she finished. He shrugged his shoulders at that, unable to deny that curious truth. He wanted to explain but he couldn’t.

He struggled to put into words that even though it hadn’t been an intentional gift from tony, it was exactly that. It was a peace offering, an olive branch because Tony was letting him know he didn’t see him as the winter soldier or bucky or Sgt. Barnes, but as a nobody--someone who just got caught up in this. It was forgiveness and understanding. 

Because Tony, God Tony had been who he was the moment he stood his ground against Steve, he had been bold and brave and beautiful. That man who had been himself saw that James hadn’t. That man who carried the world and the stars on his back understood that the man who killed his mother and fought him in the bunker hadn’t been James. 

“Do you want this title because it's the chance to relearn who you are, become the person you want to be; or because Tony gave it to you?” 

“I- uh..can it be both?” he winced at his stutter, he tried really hard to hide his crush but he felt like a complete fool. 

_ Fuck the eyebrow again.  _

He was starting to hate her damn expressive eyebrows. They were really making him feel like a naive little kid. 

“ ‘cause i mean primarily i like it because its ya know all the reasons i gave before, but its made more special because Tony gave it to me. But y’know if Peter, or Harley, or Ms.Potts, or anybody had called me that i woulda accepted it too.” he rushed out, his casual grin looking more like he stubbed his toe in front of impressionable toddlers. 

“Interesting. And how would you say your relationship with the other guests of the compound is?”

He recounted the weird conversation he had with Peter and Harley, 

_ “Mr. Barnes sir? Harley ruined the beanie you made for me and I kinda panicked and threw it into the sink garbage disposal when I felt- er-HEARD you coming into the kitchen and now the sink is acting weird because i-” _

_ “-because he tried to pull it out of the forbidden blender and he got panicky and had an adrenaline rush and ended up pulling the forbidden blender blades and some pipes and part of the sink uh out of the sink. And also fuck you peter I didn’t ruin it, you wanted to have an exploding slime competition.” Harley finished for Peter, his matter-of-fact tone doing nothing to dilute the situation.  _

_ When Barnes craned his neck to look behind them, he wanted to set his hands on his hips and ground them. And laugh. But mostly ground them.  _

_ It was a mess.  _

_ Peter, who honestly sucked at keeping his secret identity but he wasn’t about to burst the kid's bubble, had pulled so hard on the entangled beanie threads that the sink had come off the counter and wall. The bottom of the sink bulging in a weird metal bump, and parts of the pipe splintering out of the drain. Worse though, the foul stench from whatever had been blended earlier was seeping out of the drain--small bits and pieces splatter the counter and sink.  _

_ The nervous look on Peter's face and Harley's smugness, brought out a giggle, especially when he saw specks of the foul brown stuff on their faces.  _

_ They both chuckled nervously at his guffaws, thought that quickly turned into stammering and begging.  _

_ “I’m telling Ms. Potts...and May,” he said in between laughs,  _

_ “No please, May would kill me” Peter pleaded, his voice cracking.  _

_ Harley only cursed but James gave him an A for effort, they were both clearly afraid of Ms. Potts and May. with good reason, they were both unnecessarily scary.  _

_ After the situation calmed, he had Friday direct him to their tools and hardware supplies. _

“-and I struck a deal with em. They helped me fix the mess, so I wouldn't tell. Also, Peter and Harley had to learn how to crochet. They sucked though so I let them loose after a few sorry attempts.” he told Yonni excitedly. 

She laughed throughout his whole retelling, his happy energy coming off in waves. 

“I think you have a good relationship with the boys. That's good! Both are incredibly fun and will make good companions to have. However-” she paused, “-what about Ms. Potts, Mr. Rhodes, and the rest of the compound guests?” it was clear she was asking if he was in a good headspace to be able to maintain a relationship with an adult. Children were easier, more forgiving, but adults remembered past grievances. 

“I like Cho and laura. I don't know about Christine, she seems sharky. Ms. Potts has been kinder since the-” he cleared his throat, memories he didn’t want to speak about threatening to choke him, “since the incident. Rhodes is cordial and Vision and I have bonded a bit over the whole identity crisis thing”

She smiled at him, the slight upturn at his abrasive joke relaxing him. And then she quirked another goddamn brow, 

“And Dr. Strange? Have you gotten along with him?” she smiled knowingly at him. 

He had told her about their first real conversation, of course, it had been warring on his mind and he had been desperate to tell someone about his confusing unease. Of course, therapists don't figure things out for you, they let you talk and ask leading questions so that you can come to that conclusion yourself, so by the end of the session he realized the unease he had felt was simply jealousy. 

James had been in the kitchen, a new hobby he had picked up as part of his homework. He didn’t care for cooking, but he liked baking. It was kind of scientific, precise measurements, acid, leaveners, reactions, it was calming. Plus cake was a good comfort food if he had a bad day, and bread was calming to knead when he felt frustrated with his progress or himself in general. 

His heightened senses because of the serum had picked up on Strange nearing the kitchen, but he kept his head down and focused on single-handedly whisking egg whites. 

“oh...I hadn’t known you would be here”

He gave a slight nod to the mad standing awkwardly in the entrance. His focus on balancing the bowl while he whisked furiously. It wasn’t easy, and the amputee-friendly kitchenware helped, but only so much. 

The tall man cleared his throat, shifting on his feet. The unease cleared as day to James. 

“How are you Sgt. Barnes” the forced politeness making James cringe, 

“James”

“Pardon” Strange gawked, taken aback with the correction. And perhaps the gruff voice he had used to correct the Doctor. 

“Name’s James” he responded simply. 

“Is it?” Strange probed, his tone sharper than his cheekbones. James refused to acknowledge the provocation, he knew where it was coming from, besides he had had a good day and wanted to treat himself with a strawberry meringue. He only lifted his head briefly to nod firmly before returning to his task. 

“James,” acid dripping off every syllable, “I hope you know I will be keeping a close eye on you. You may have convinced Rhodey and Pepper with your heroics but I am not so easily persuaded. If this is a ploy to hurt Tony I will banish you to a dark dimension, am I clear?” 

“You say that as if you care about Tony” James retorted, his harsh whisking the only evidence of his anger. 

“I do. In fact, I love Tony” Strange sneered. The lovely declaration was quite contrary to the imperious tone the doctor took. 

“Hm, does he know that? Does he love you too?” James knew his counter had been low but the gnawing feeling in his stomach had threatened to vomit all the feeling he didn’t quite understand yet. 

Strange looked away, nostrils flaring. The once curled lips turned down, the painted lines in his face showcasing his hurt. 

“He did once” he replied quietly, “he knew once, I’m not sure if he still does”

“What? Love you or know?” James whispered. 

“Both,” Strange admitted. He looked back at James, the threat in his eyes clear. Breathe a word about this outburst and James would be banished somewhere. 

“You want some meringue magic man?” James ribbed lightly, the gut feeling still there but easier to ignore. 

Strange snorted, head tossing back as he grinned.  _ Fuck. he’s handsome _ . “Yeah but I'm no use in the kitchen, Tony always kicked me out. I'm actually going to check on peter and talk to Harley a bit, just tell Friday to let me know” he portaled out of the kitchen. James caught a glimpse of his destination, the Stark Wing. 

The gnawing monster had only grown at the thought of a giggling Tony kicking out the doctor while Peter and maybe even Harley looked on. The picture of a family. 

“I do very much hate it when he does that” FRIDAY supplied. 

James could only nod his head and agree. 

“We already established that feeling as jealousy, but jealousy with a crush is normal. However, had any other attempts been made to make a connection with the guest?”

“I-no” James admitted, 

“I see. But?”

“Well, I sometimes like to go on walks inside the compound. Sometimes I end up passing Tony’s room. I don't want him to be alone when he wakes up so if no one is there I pop in for a bit” he confessed, 

“I see” Yonni hummed, 

“I want to take care of him, is that weird?”

“In a healthy intimate relationship it is normal to want to care for one another, however, neither you nor Tony have known each other long enough to call this a healthy intimate relationship--this is more of an acquaintanceship. It is kind of you to visit Tony, but remember to not let him become an objective or a reason you get progress yourself. Be careful to not feed a natural obsession one has to curiosities. Take time to build relationships with other people, be healthy for yourself” she advised. 

James bowed his head, cheeks burning. He  _ had _ become obsessive. 

_ I hate therapy.  _

\-------------------------------

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak

Countless lovers under cover of the street

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

\--------------------------------

“Therapy is a lot like our conversation from before”

Vision paused as if Tony had replied, keeping a conversational cadence that felt familiar. 

“I liked our conversations, you didn’t speak to me like I was a computer like I already knew the facts or answers. You spoke to me like you were showing me the possibilities of what I knew”

Vision was having a hard time keeping his eyes on the bedridden man; a normal conversation, he learned, involved eye contact, and both parties speaking at different intervals. 

Tony hadn’t been speaking for a while, so he supposed keeping up the pretense was for naught. No matter, he still wanted to pretend--it settled the human unease that had been growing since he sat down. 

“I know it was very hard to remember that I wasn’t my predecessor. I have his voice, his speaking style, his intelligence--on certain matters--but I know it was hard. You still did it, treated me like a new person” Vision couldn’t keep the awe out of his voice. Oftentimes, the former team would call him Jarvis, sometimes even Colonel Rhodes would slip. But not Tony. Tony had looked at his creation after the fight and introduced himself properly. No expectations of who Vision was, the rest of the team had looked at him crazily, only The Black Widow had understood what Tony was doing. 

Wanda never afforded him that. He tried to remember the pleasantness he once felt around her, but all he felt was bitter. That had been another hot topic. 

“You hadn’t liked Wanda, you’re unease had been rather obvious. But you never spoke a word against her, even when the rest of the...family voiced their concerns. You were a good father then, letting me learn on my own, you knew I would’ve resented you had you stated your position.” he struggled to keep his frustration at bay, 

“But I resent you for letting me become attached too quickly. I don't anymore, but it had been a topic of discussion during my therapy. I understand now that I most likely would’ve rebelled, or even rejected you. She didn’t trick me, there had been signs of her explosiveness and maliciousness, but I had chosen to quantify it” regret in every word, 

Vision stood from the chair, deeply uncomfortable and unable to stay longer, he turned towards tony, leaned over to kiss his forehead but stopped short. Surprised by his own action he quickly phased through the wall and into the hallway. 

\-----------------------------------------

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep

Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice

I hope it's gonna make you notice

\------------------------------------

Harley hoped no one noticed him and peter. He even made a deal with FRIDAY to metaphorically ‘look the other way’ while he and Peter visited Tony. 

They missed Tony so much it hurt. Being constantly reminded of their father figure didn’t help to relieve that pain either. His birthday was coming around the corner and he needed Tony because he turned 17 and Tony had promised to sing “Dancing Queen” and do the full dance routine. He had promised. 

He had also promised not to die. 

But the fucker found a way to do so and come back. 

He looked at the vials in his hands while Peter set up the machines and prepared the skin. This had to work. Every day Tony was getting smaller, every day could mean possible brain damage, heart failure--death. 

Cho, against her better judgment, had helped Peter “fix” the serum enough so that it wouldn’t kill him while he transformed.

Extremis had sucked, he remembered it. That was when Tony had found him. Tony had tinkered with it enough so that he could give Pepper a quasi antidote that would help control her Extremis and not burn her alive, but he hadn’t moved forward besides that. The one Tony already had in his body was so basic that once Tony was stable after the heart surgery, it had diluted, its purpose complete. But the two Extremis vials he held in his hands were nothing basic. Peter, the bio-engineering genius, had taken Tony’s notes and tinkering and created an Extremis 3.0 with Cho. 

The other two vials in his hand, held the nanites that would stabilize the Extremis. It had been a collaborative effort between Shuri, Harley, and Cho. The nanites were a design that Tony already had, Shuri made them more effective and potent, and he and Cho made them so they worked similarly to the regenerative cradle. The Extremis had extreme healing powers, made a person more durable, but it could latch on to unhealthy cells and duplicate them, not to mention its own flammable and easily provoked cells were unstable. Peter was able to minimize the effect of the extreme healing powers and rest of the super serum but had more trouble minimizing the negative regenerative properties and flammability without minimizing the positive regenerative properties.

He solved it though, mostly. 

Tony wouldn’t combust or burst into flames, but he had to minimize the super strength. The virus no longer had the ability to hack the body and control it--but that meant the regenerative powers amplified both negative and positive cells, and could potentially amplify other powers once its objective was complete. The nanites coded with the cradle technology guided the Extremis to healthy cells and protected his body from the extreme strain of basically coming back to life, it would also protect the arc reactor from becoming corrupted with the Extremis. 

Essentially, the nanites made sure that extreme super strength or any weird powers wouldn’t be coded into Tony’s DNA, and the serum would fix his body and turn back the clock a bit. 

It was messy, and kind of circular but it was a chance that Tony would come out of a coma and not die. 

Harley focused on his breathing as he watched Peter fiddle with the monitor. The skin had been prepped and the machines that would restrain Tony and monitor his vitals had been set up. They were both stalling. It felt wrong to do this, Tony wasn’t able to consent but they needed him. The world needed him. 

It was difficult to live in a world without Tony. he had been there for more than half of a year. Since May, flying back to Tennessee for Christmas and New Year, mom hadn’t bothered to try to stop him when he flew back. It was the middle of summer now and he was going to his junior year of high school. He wanted Tony back. Tony would’ve been angry that he skived off school, missed so much he had to do a quick two-week course and test out of his classes so that he could go to midtown with Peter--he would’ve been furious that Harley hadn’t spoken to his mom or Abby because he was afraid he would break down and cry. Tony would be furious if he knew what they were planning, but it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission. 

Summoning all the bravery and spunk he had in him he crossed the room to stand opposite of Peter, next to tony. Handing the Extremis vials to Peter they both prepared to inject Tony with their solution. It had to be at the exact same time, both foreign solutions needed each other to be successful in their host. 

“One…” they both pressed the needle against tony’s skin, “two…” piercing the skin they waited for three to push the plunger down and inject Tony, 

“Three” 

_ Fuck _

_ \------------------------------- _

This hadn’t something Harley had done lightly. Harley had laid in bed for several weeks thinking of every possible scenario that could occur from this extreme invasion of propriety. He had laid there with pain in his chest thinking about doing this to his father, he laid there and dreaming the worst dreams.

_ “Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now, it's here. Or should I say, I am." _

_ Natasha on the floor, blood pooling from her cracked skull. Peter turning to ash in May’s arms. A young girl grappling at his suit as she became ash. A woman screaming over Vision's grey corpse. Rhodey carrying a sickly Pregnant pepper. A baby's wail. His mother is bald and frail. Planes crashing into schools, screams of children.  _

_ “Harley please, please” the girl sobbed.  _

_ “I'm sorry, I'm sorry” _

_ “Harley” she begged until she was no more _

_ “You can rest now” _

_ “Dad you were supposed to be here!” _

_ “It didn’t work” _

Harley knew this needed to be done. Because Tony wasn’t there while the apocalypse was happening, and maybe if he had, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. 

It didn’t feel good to hurt Tony, but it needed to be done. 

\-----------------------------------------

Someone like me

(Oh, oh)

Someone like me

(Oh, oh)

Someone like me (oh), somebody (oh)

(Oh, oh)

I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now

I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now

Someone like you (oh), somebody (oh)

Someone like you (oh), somebody (oh)

Someone like you (oh), somebody (oh)

I've been roaming around

Always looking down at all I see

\--------------------------------

  
  


Tony woke up with a start. 

“Why are you here?”

“I don’t know”

“Okay”

Natasha was confused by the man's acceptance. It had been one week since Tony was first injected, he looked better, younger, but his face was still resigned. 

“Okay? That’s it?” she demanded,

“Okay,” he agreed. He didn’t even bother looking at her, already laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

“Antoshka, I-” 

“No!” Scoffed tony, the cutting sound wounding her heart.

“Okay” she left the room, her head bowed. She would fix this, she had to fix this. Because she could still see him lying on the bed as he had been before the serum. Deathly pale and grotesquely skinny. She could still remember the way her breath hitched when she had snuck into his room, the only humanity she afforded herself. 

She cried that day. 

She cried today. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter but its a part 1 one thingy so. this one was kinda bad no lie   
> the characters are flat but after the last chapter im kinda emotionally drained so...


	15. use somebody pt2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this one was kinda weird to write without lyrics but honestly its a continuation of last chapter. uh pepper finds out what the boys did and natasha get a confrontation, please comment and leave notes i larb you.

“What did you do?” Pepper accused. She was dangerously close to getting too hot but she felt allowed to feel that way. 

The boys looked at each other, the fear of God in their eyes. They hadn’t seen Pepper this angry in a long time, not since a foolish intern accused her of sleeping her way to the top--even after the fact she had proven herself a worthy CEO (completely ignoring that Tony hadn’t been in a heterosexual relationship since 2013). 

Rhodey places a warning hand on her arm before flinching at the heat radiating. The only reason her clothes hadn’t combusted was simply because she was in workout clothes that tony had made for her especially. She was livid. 

“What did you do?” she repeated,

Peter, of course, was the first to break, “I’m sorry Ms.Potts but we were worried and he didn’t seem to be waking up on his own! His vitals were falling too quick and by our estimations, he would be completely reliant on machines and-”

“-and we didn’t want our father to become a vegetable!” Harley cut in, 

Pepper deflated, she understood the boys, she was concerned too. But that didn’t excuse them taking away tony autonomy. 

“When he wakes up from healing, you will confess what you have done and apologize to him”

The boys only nodded their heads mutely and left the room. 

She sat down on the comfortable lounge chair, exhausted after dealing with work, Tony, and now this. 

She understood their reasons, she missed tony too. Their brief weekend visits not enough to sustain the void in her heart. She ran their company with a constant pang of loneliness. She had gotten used to him, to see him, breathing him in. she missed their inside jokes about the office, and whatever trouble he got up to at R&D, he would make fun of her “weird crush from legal”. She missed the family dinner they would have, the entire friend group, setting aside once a month to catch-up and drink (the only time he let himself be loose and happy). The movie marathons with her, tony, and Rhodey--the three of them feeling too old to be out partying, opting to stay in. they didn’t talk about it much but they were each other's persons--Rhodes family to far away and too simple for him to truly connect with anymore; Pepper’s familial relations strained since her single mom died; Tony only had them and his creations. They were family and she missed him. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Rhodey asked as if he had read her morose thoughts.

She smiled wanly, “yeah-” she breathed, “I would love to”

She got up from her chair and kissed the balding head of her lifelong friend, pausing for any protestations before unlocking his chair and pushing him into the movie room. 

“Its a remote-controlled wheelchair y’know” Rhodey commented, the absence of hostility letting Pepper know it was only a remark, 

“I know” was all that she replied, 

Rhodey wouldn’t admit it, certainly not to pepper (not that he needed to anyway), but it had hurt his sense of independence and pride at the knowledge that he couldn’t walk or take care of himself properly. He always insisted on wheeling himself, and when he got too tired he would discreetly use the control on the armrest to move him. But he let pepper push him because he _was_ tired, and he didn’t want a machine moving him, and because she was his friend. 

“Okay” was all that he said in return. 

\--------------------------

They were wrapped up in blankets, Pepper had helped him move to one end of the loveseat, no fuss made; the why they had to do this purposefully ignored. Once Rhodey settled, pepper tossed him a blanket and told him to pick a movie while she went to the kitchen. 

When she came back, she stopped short at the title on the screen before bursting into laughter. She almost spilled the gummy bears and popcorn bowl on the floor when she doubled over. 

“Do you remember the-” 

“-oh my god how could I forget”

“And when he dressed up”

“Like Leia!” 

It had been a silly memory, one of their favorites. Peter was obsessed with Disney, and of course Disney princesses, Tony didn’t want Peter to feel awkward when he put on his costume so he dressed up as a princess to match Peter's sparkly suit. Of course, everyone was confused at the girlish tea party meant for the boy, but Tony took it in stride and simply put on a Leia costume.

_“She is a Disney princess technically pep!”_

It didn’t hurt that Tony actually looked hot, ridiculous, and silly, but still hot. Somehow, Tony had gotten some of the members from R&D to dress up as Disney characters as well, it had been a perfect day. 

And the blackmail photos they had after the kids went to sleep and Tony got ridiculously drunk had also been perfect. 

Pepper sat down next to rhodey and cuddles next to him, dumping yellow gummy bears in the popcorn. She watched from the corner of her eye as Rhodey looked at the bowl fondly, remembering the first time he had seen Tony do this, the feigned gasp when Rhodey made fun of him--HoneyBear had come from that memory. 

They fell asleep before they could get to episode II, the void still there, but dreaming of happier times. 

\---------------------

Natasha didn’t dream. Because dreaming could lead to nightmares, so Natasha mastered a way for her mind to be completely black and devoid of hope. Dreams were hope, nightmares shattered hope. She wasn’t strong enough to build herself up again after being shattered, after all, she wasn’t tony. 

Tony wasn’t tony either. It wasn’t all her fault, but some of it sure as hell was. There wasn’t a clear-cut reason for her action, _not everything is black and white steve,_ nothing was clear except for the wounds they left. Still. It was hard to apologize and explain when you don't even know what you're apologizing for. She got up from her bed of restlessness and emptiness, padded towards the kitchen. She thought she heard a soft Irish lilt when she neared the entrance but when nothing else could be heard she figured it was her paranoia. Rightfully so, while disclosed to Peppers dealings with her--and her very obvious regret--was wary and vengeful. 

An unfavorable combination for the former KGB spy. 

Still, she pressed her back against the hallway wall, listening intently for signs of life, quiet breaths of a human, the soft hums of an android, gentle steps and swishes of nightwear, a click of gun god forbid. But she heard none of that, even her slightly enhanced hearing picking up on only silence. 

Relieved to be alone she treaded softly into the kitchen, the soft lights that were always on illuminating nothing. 

Except

Except for a whisk that wasn’t where it should be. No one would’ve left it there, Vision was meticulous about the kitchen, slightly obsessive when it came to how everything was left at the end of the day. No one would’ve left it there unless they were using it and got interrupted. 

She gasped when the cold metal of a silencer rubbed gently along her jaw. Only now that she was in his grasp did he let her hear his breathing and subtle growl. 

She knew that even one-handed, this man could absolutely destroy her. He was brute force but he was also incredibly cunning and agile. He had experience, strength, and allies to back him up. He saved Tony from suicide. He even knitted the man a blanket _and_ a sweater. He was golden. 

She on the other hand, despite working for Pepper, she was working in an unsavory capacity. She had yet figured out a way to infiltrate Wakanda (Pepper hadn’t wanted to include the royal siblings in this nastiness), which made her a liability. She was just a back-stabbing bitch who led to the ultimate heartbreak for tony. Anything he did to her, would be _justified_. 

“nemnogo krasnyy. What are you doing sneaking at night?” the man purred. 

Weighing whether she should lie, give half-truth, or give full truth, was a difficult task. She considered the pros and cons of each. Being vulnerable was hard, but lying implicated her. A half-truth would be harder to detect, but the omission could be seen as a ploy. But vulnerability was _hard._

“Soldat,” she greeted, “I couldn’t sleep so I went to look for a midnight snack” 

_Okay, half-truth then._

He huffed a short laugh before quickly spinning her around and pressing her against the wall. Had it been another time, in another life, she would have purred with satisfaction. But this was now and that life had been long ago. Besides this wasn’t sexy choking, it was “I could crush your windpipe in seconds with just my forearm”--which was decidedly not sexy. 

Raising her knee, she tried to get some space in between them to clear her airway but to no avail, using that slight distraction she brought up one fist to knock his arm off her. The force of her hit knocked his forearm off but trapped the fist she used. Still tethered, she stepped on his foot and knocked his chin with her head. The faint metallic smell tinged the room. Wrapping her arm around his neck, she jumped his back before leaping off and flipping him over. The thud of his body the only noise aside from soft grunts. Still he didn’t go down completely. The gun skidded from the impact under the kitchen table, both lunged for the upper hand. Without a doubt, Natasha knew that if the winter soldier got the gun, she was done. 

Arms stretched, hand splayed, she reached. But barned was quicker. He slid across the slick floor and grabbed the gun, still on his back he raised it in a kill shot. She braced herself, nothing she could do would stop the bullet or save her. 

“That is quite enough James. You are lucky it is not yet the weekend and Mr. Parker had not heard you. It wouldn’t bode well with him for you to kill his second favorite aunt, despite her...flaws” came the Irish brogue of her savior. 

Quickly, the soldier stood to attention and sheepishly smiled at one of FRIDAY's cameras and curiously, at the tablet on the island she had thought to be the kitchens. Tony had a tablet for every room in the damn house, or he did before everything went to shit. 

The softness he had for the FRIDAY and the tablet (????), wasn’t spared on Natasha. A cruel smirk taking over instead. 

“Losing your touch, little red?” he bit out callously, “I thought I trained you better” the smile he had was eerily similar to the one tony had in situations like this. Sharp, feral, barely restrained. It was the one he taught Pepper, Rhodey, and even the Spiderbaby. She smiled internally, there was no way tony taught it to him, at least not directly. That meant the soldier was stalking Tony online--actively searching for him. She kept this information to herself, it would be perfect for blackmail and for implicating _certain_ things. 

Instead, she smiled beatifically, the graceful curve of her mouth showing; she even softened her eyes enough to seem sincere without overdoing it. She gave a slight chuckle, “well, I was never any match against you...and your prowess” the statement was ostentatious enough to seem like a flirt, but really it was a blow. It served as a reminder for what he had done to her, with her. 

Not only had he been her first, but he had also taken it as part of a lesson and punishment. Then he had used what he did to teach her how to do it to others. When he broke briefly from the mental restraints of HYDRA, he had been remorseful and baffled. When he broke, she had persuaded him to bed her again. Initially, she had done it because the higher ups were expecting her to figure out the words and say them, but a part of her had wanted to run with the soldier and leave that godforsaken place. 

when he rejected her, she upped her seductions. Provoking him to hurt her during their coupling, it was then she decided that if he could not be a good man even when provoked and hurt her, then he deserved to hurt as she did.

It was twisted, and logically it didn’t make sense. She _had_ provoked her, but he had made her bleed. He had also taken her first time away from her. The first time, he had hurt her, but he was the winter soldier then. This time, with no orders or mental games being played, he had still hurt her to the point of making her bleed. It wasn’t his fault, however, that she had fallen in love slightly with him. Unlike the other trainers, he was gentle and kind with the students; _as much as a red room operative could be, at the very least_. When he beat them, there was remorse and rest for the next day. She became slightly infatuated. 

After that event, he was shipped back to HYDRA deemed either too effective or _de_ fective. 

Still, her comment was a slap, though unsurprisingly, the soldier didn’t reel back. Instead, his face settled and he opted for a relaxed stance. But Natasha was no fool, she now could see he was armed with a knife, a gun, a switchblade, and anger. 

“My my, are we being little bitches today? I hadn’t gotten the memo” 

some people liked to think the Winter Soldier was the silent but deadly type, and sure he was when it was a simple long-range assassination. But with mouthy characters, he liked to get a little sadistic. Especially considering before he was The Soldier, he was the playboy brat from Brooklyn. He walked to stand next to her, using the dull edge of his knife to play with her hair before trailing it down the expanse of her neck. She became suddenly very aware of the skimpy tank-top she stole from tony long ago. Not because she thought he would do anything, but because she was exposed and wearing tony’s clothes. _Fuck I'm wearing tony’s clothes_ . A normal person wouldn’t have cared or even taken notice. It was an ordinary sleeveless shirt with a rock band on it, _iron maiden_. Nothing special

But as Barnes trailed the tip of the knife delicately along her skin, she could tell the moment he recognized the shirt. The sharp inhale and hiss that came from right next to her ear, was a moment of pure unbridled fear. Barnes was obsessed with tony, had picked up his mannerism and quirks, and knew that he would like rock bands. The shirt wasn’t something Natasha would normally pick up, it was baggy and she didn’t like rock as he did. It was faded and soft, so it had to be worn in by someone else. The cogs had turned in the man's head, the narrowed eyes and flaring nose evidence enough. 

“Where did you get that shirt?” he demanded. The gruffness in his voice almost making her flinch. She knew better. Besides, she couldn’t be weak, not in front of Barnes. 

“Where do you think I got it?” she purred. The slyness in her voice implying the man’s fear. It was stupid but she was bored and tired of feeling unbalanced--t _his_ was natural to her. 

“Where did you get that shirt?” he asked again. Though saying he asked would be generous, more like threatened. Still, she didn’t cower. 

“Y’know while I definitely had fun with his prowess, I think he liked it more when I fucked him. Did you know that he made a special line of _inventions_ for pepper a while back and I got to test run it. It was good because I got off while I filled him up so de-” she cut off by a knife that was playfully running against her decolletage earlier was stabbed in her thigh. _Oh, fuck that one hurt_. Despite the pain, she refused to even whimper. 

Barnes stalked away from her to the fridge pulling out ingredients for god knows what. With his back turned, she felt around the wound to see if the knife hit anything vital. _Nothing_. She gingerally pulled the knife before pulling herself up to her feet. With an air of nonchalance, she padded to the sink to rinse the knife and to clean the bleed. The slight limp didn’t go unnoticed by the man next to her. Already turned back from the fridge, he watched her surreptitiously while gathering his tools to make his thing, quiet snorts escaping his mouth as she cleaned the knife and the wound. 

It was strange, the affected casualness after the brutality they had both given each other earlier. But they both carried on with their task into the early morning. Natasha even helped him back what she learned to be blueberry scones and cinnamon rolls. They didn’t speak, each taking turns to hum a song; his were early 2000’s hits and hers were classical music. When they put both of the items in the oven, Barnes turned to her. 

“You are shallow and a bitch. But you didn’t sleep with Tony because you love tony. Also do not apologize if you're not sorry for being egotistical and manipulative. No, you can not apologize for your nature, but you can when you're nature was used against your friend. And he was your friend, or at least he thought he was”

“ I am shallow and I am a bitch. I wanted to sleep with him but I didn’t because of steve and because I was already sleeping with Pepper” she didn’t comment on the last part of his message. He only hummed and went on to make the glaze for the rolls. She sat on the island, watching him work. 

She didn’t know how to admit that Tony got under her skin in a way that no one had besides the soldier. Sure she loved pepper, but it was friendly and lust ridden. Clint was her brother and her target. Steve was everything good she wasn’t, or at least she thought. But Tony and Barnes were her rivals, her competition, they matched her in different ways. They could elude her manipulations...mostly, they were both things she wanted to be. Strong when she was soft, soft when she was too hard. Tony could pull himself out of everything thrown at him, out his own mistakes, and still make the world a better place. And Barnes had the excuse that he was mind-controlled when he murdered those people in unholy ways, using unholy things. She had no excuse. They were both so beautiful and had people who wanted them. She didn’t. The only difference was that she had loved tony. She had been infatuated with Barnes true, but she loved tony with an anger that surprised even her. 

“Besides,” she added, “he's like my brother”. Which was 100% true.

“Brotherfucker, this must be Alabama then” he spat out in between barely contained giggles. He waggled his brows in an effort for her to see his pun. _Yah, I got it. You replaced mother with brother._

“Clever” she deadpanned. He only smirked more before twirling around to pop the scones and rolls out of the oven. 

After a moment of silence, Barnes reached on top of the fridge to grab something. She smiled when she noticed the bottle of Russian vodka places in front of her. She twisted the cap and took a long swig before handing it back to the soldier; neither of them bothering with glasses. She settled against the chair stool, her lithe body stretched out, elbows bent, and supporting her on the sturdy chair. She was the picture of affected casualness. When Barnes finally shared the bottle, he smirked when she slumped and took a more natural position. 

“You're a hypocrite y’know? You say you loved tony and that's why you never fucked him but you still fucked him over. Why did you pick steve? He is stronger, yes, but you had the king on your side to help. I’ll tell you why, because even though you “loved” tony, your twisted soul doesn’t even know what love is. You love because your selfish, because you think if they can accept him, then they will accept you--like you’re anything like that man. You loved his power. The kindness he showed, even when you manipulated him. You love him because he was once desperate to be loved. Just like you. You’re only using him to clear your conscience and to give you security. You’re an assassin Natasha, embrace it. You kill everything you touch.” the soldier jeered. An ugly twist of his lips accompanying his hard words and stone eyes. 

She clenched her jaw, it hurt to be called out like this. Something no one had done for a while, except for tony. 

“I’m the hypocrite. Jesus Christ, you’re in love with a man you almost killed. Not only that but don’t think I don’t notice the jealous rampages you go on when anything remotely romantic involves him. I saw you when laura kissed him, innocently might I add; I saw you when rhodey talked about their college days and the crush he had on tony; I saw you when pepper stroked his hair, you almost lunged to break that very same hand, and don’t think I don't know about strange. You threatened him, almost went at him but your self-preservation tingle went off and you acted like a wounded animal instead. You almost killed me for wearing his shirt when I haven’t wanted to fuck him since after the first time we met, which you know! You. Are. As. Bad. As. Rogers.” she hissed. Her eyes and mouth were tight with anger as she leaned towards him. 

The counter gave a slight groan from under his grip, the only evidence he was angry. That last barb had been purposeful, she said rogers and not Steve because Steve was the good-intentions captain they both knew and cared for, but Rogers was the twisted controlling monster who hurt tony out of obsession and jealousy. The two things Barnes felt strongly. 

He stalked towards her, gripping her chin with his pointer finger and thumb harshly, “shut the fuck up” he warned quietly. He let her go and stormed out of the kitchen. She knew her chin would have a bruise on it, a violent reminder she took it too far when he was just trying to help her. 

And he had been just trying to help her. Speaking harshly to her and forcing her to confront the truth was the only way she was going to acknowledge the impact of her actions. It was also going to make her realize what exactly she was apologizing for and how to get that message across to tony. He knew this, they had once been almost friends, known the most intimate of each other darkest versions. She knew that he enjoyed killing a little bit. That he wanted to be soft and kind but a dark part of him wanted to protect what was his no matter the cost. He always wanted to own something, to belong to something so much it would break him to have it ripped from his hands. And she threw that in his face. 

Because Barnes, _or James as I should say_ , was nothing like steve. Barnes wanted to love and be loved but he would never force it on anyone. Also, he never hurt anyone for getting in his way. Natasha didn’t count, this was how they communicated. Barnes was a gentle giant, soft and sweet, but still, a giant that could destroy-- _t_ _o protect_. 

Steve was evil. Perhaps he hadn’t started that way but his mind was never the same after the ice. Steve didn’t want to love or be loved, he wanted to control something. He grasped onto tony because it reminded him of his past. He moved mountains for bucky, not because “no man left behind” but because he was part of his past. He slept with Sharon solely because of her last name. He was stuck in the past so much but while everyone was moving forward, _progressing_ , he felt everything was going out of his control. 

Steve was sick and needed help, but Barnes just wanted to belong to someone and for someone to belong to him. Steve would force that on someone just for the sake of having them. 

She went to the training room and climbed into the small loft that was hidden from everyone else. A sharp metal stick flew from the shadows and narrowly missed her head. She picked up the metal crochet needle, chuckling at the tiny kitten at the tip. She walked slowly and quietly purposeful to not alarm the angry assassin. He sat in the shadow with a half-finished red sweater on his lap--which was without a doubt for her. She passed the needle silently to the seething man, watching as he aggressively knitted the sweater. 

It was comic to think that the man who just stabbed her thigh, bruised her chin and most likely her throat, drank straight Russian vodka, was the same man who stress-baked delicious goods and anger knitted. The glaring contrast of actions showed the duality of man. 

No one said anything while he knitted; they just sat in the strange nest and ignored the other. When he finished the sweater he handed it to her, an apology for provoking her and stabbing her and choking her and all that unpleasant business; and she put it on immediately as an apology for hurting his feelings. They didn’t need to speak, a language of actions and acerbic words that was theirs spoke a million words. She climbed down the hidden loft and out of the training room.

An apology with words needed to be made. 

\----------------------------

“Before you say anything or alert anyone just let me apologize. You don't have to accept it or even pay attention but I need to at least try to fix this”

“You can’t fix something that didn’t exist Romanova” Tony scoffed. “Besides, you don’t apologize. You do some weird fighting shit with me, drink something that gives us alcohol poisoning and then you listen to me talk about nonsense while you pretend to be interested”

He had her number. Again. 

“Tony please, I'm sorry. I’m sorry that I put you in a dangerous position, I’m sorry you got hurt and for not telling you the truth, but steve had promised he told you and I believed him”

“No you didn’t” he snorted from the medical bed. 

She tensed her jaw. She hated that he could just get her. 

He scoffed again. Her silence an admission of guilt. 

She tried again, “yes I am Tony”. Her insistence did nothing to quell the hurt that tony was feeling. 

“You’re just sorry it came out in the first place. You’re sorry that I was involved, that my team had to clean up again after you. That there was damage in the first place. You’re sorry you got caught on the wrong side” the sneer in his voice was so similar to the first time they had interacted. She hadn’t known it then, but he knew the moment she walked exactly who she was. 

“No tony I'm sorry if I hurt you so much, but honestly, you hurt yourself. You thought you could do it all, handle everything. You wouldn’t talk to us, not about the nightmares, or Rogers, or the fucking abuse. If your ego hadn’t reared its ugly head maybe all this shit could’ve been avoided. Maybe I could’ve trusted you more. Instead you stupid pride had to make its way known. You just had to win something huh? I bet it hurt when he chose him over you, and he didn’t even have to put out” she taunted cruelly.

_Fuck this was not how it was supposed to go_

Tony closed his eyes and inhales sharply. Pain marring his face. 

“Tony...no...god, that wasn’t how I wanted that to go”

He snorted at that, keeping his eyes closed as if it pained him to even look at her. 

“You don't like that I can read you, that I can get past the black widow's defenses. With all her training and all her experience, the black widow is still a scared little girl....guess what, so am i. I'm scared and anxious and severely traumatized. Do you know who I saw while I was asleep? I saw Howard! Good old’ dad to give poor little faggot tony some advice to toughen up. Stop. Trying. To. Be. Iron. because you not. I’m not either. Stop trying to defend yourself, admit when you’re wrong, and leave it at that. Because it's breaking you down and soon everyone will see you who are you really are whether you like it or not” 

“You’re right,” she said, eyes closed, face downturned. She glanced up at tony through her lashes, his mouth was agape and eyes wide with shock. She glanced back down ruefully, it was rare for her to apologize, to admit something went wrong completely. That blame lied with her without bringing up anybody else. 

“What” came garbled out when he finally found his voice. It would've been amusing to Natasha if the circumstances had been different. 

“You’re right, I’m Sorry Antoshka” this time she said it more surely, hope flaring in her chest at the possibility of getting her brother back. 

“I don’t understand Red, why? Why couldn’t you trust me?” tony said in a vulnerable voice. The kind that broke your heart, especially if you heard it from your supposedly strongest fiercest friend. It certainly broke hers. 

“Because I’ve always resented you...for being a better version of me, for being better than me when we both had shit. I resented you because you got under my skin, and yeah I could manipulate you sometimes, but I felt guilty and it eventually turned genuine. I couldn’t trust you because a small part of me hated you, because we were too similar...and rogers. Fuck. Rogers was supposed to be the moral compass, my moral compass. Yeah, I had no feelings of love or affection for him, but to me, my feelings and affections were compromising me. It was easier to accuse you and trick myself into thinking you were wrong rather than rogers because that meant my judgment was skewed” she swallowed after her speech. Being vulnerable to him was too hard, the mass in her throat too unpleasant--but she pushed through. 

“I think it is clear your judgment was skewed from the moment you made that report. Iron Man, yes; Tony Stark, no. Fuck you for that by the way” 

she turned sharply away from that, it was true. The moment her report was made available to the other avengers, they constantly used it as ammo. It also probably fueled Steve more, the wayward son of his friend needed guidance and “a firm hand”. 

“You’re right I'm sorry. I was upset you were acting like a child and able to elude everything one of my moves, even when you “gave in” it was part of an act. And the fact that I hadn’t seen it, made me angry. The fact that I didn’t know you were dying until Fury gave me a clue shamed me. I let the report stay the same and didn’t try to change the others' views, not even when I got really know you. I’m sorry antoshka.”

“I thought we were family, but you just wanted to fuck me over” tony’s voice kept getting smaller and smaller with each confrontation. _Fuck I need to fix this._

_Be funny. Be funny. Make him smile._ “Well it is true at first I really did want to fuck you, you are a very beautiful smart funny man. I almost swooned when I saw you take down happy-” she grinned when she noticed a slightly bashful smile on the brilliant inventor, “but I came to think of you like my brother. Though to be fair I’ve never had a sibling so I don't exactly know how that's supposed to go” the sheepish smile got a giggle out of her friend. 

She came closer to him softly, careful not to spook those beautiful eyes. it hurt that they were changed, different to the chocolate brown they once were, but he was still beautiful--still kind and generous. She sat next to him and pulled his head to her chest. A position they had taken many times before. If Barnes was like her older brother/father, tony was definitely like her little brother. She loved him so much that it confused her and left her unbalanced. She didn’t know love and how it was supposed to be. They lied when they said it was human nature, it wasn’t. Certainly not for Natasha. But this, this, was natural. 

“Why does everyone love him more Red?” he whispered into the darkened room. It startled her heart, made it ache more. Made her feel tired and old and sad. she wrapped the knitted sweater around both of them, keeping them safe from the cold that constantly threatened to ruin them. 

“I don’t know solnyshko, I don’t know” she rocked the man to sleep, her enhancements easily allowing her to take his slight frame. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh there are russsian words i think lol
> 
> solnyshko- means little sun  
> nemnogo krasnyy- little red  
> please comment and leave notes i larb you.


	16. Heather pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhm tony learns the truth from sharon, natasha is out for blood.

I still remember third of December

Me in your sweater, you said it looked better

On me, than it did you, only if you knew

How much I liked you, but I watch your eyes

As she walks by

What a sight for sore eyes

Brighter than the blue sky

She's got you mesmerized

While I die

\-------------------

The bunker had given tony a lot of time to think about his relationship with steve. But being forced into bedrested while tests were being done to determine his health after extremis gave him so much more. 

He already had been jealous of James since the moment he realized steve was looking for him, that steve still felt empty without James; but when Sharon stepped shyly into his room, eyes darting everywhere and shoulders shrinking into herself, he realized that steve had done a lot more than beat him and pine for someone else. 

When he first saw her, he was overjoyed. Sharon was his baby cousin, a friend, and a close confidant. Easily 17 years his junior, but so strong and mature--he was proud of her. He didn’t think he would see her again, supposing that despite carrying out the mission she would still pick rogers over him. 

A valid concern considering how many people left him--considering how worthless he was. 

He was overjoyed until he saw the look of shame on her flushed face and the slight twitch of her eyes. Tells that he had memorized to mean she had done something bad. 

What could it be? She was working during the civil war fiasco for us, so she didn’t fuck anything up. Pepper and rhodey were definitely monitoring all operations and all assets, so they wouldn’t even let her get close to screwing something up….unless. She didn’t screw  _ something up,  _ she screwed  _ someone _ . 

He went through the list of people Sharon could’ve screwed, unlike most of his friends, Sharon was painfully straight so it definitely wasn’t a woman. So a man. 

_ Uh sam? No, he’s too righteous  _

_ Bucky? Nope too fucked in the head _

_ Scott? Still in love with the bug lady _

_ T’challa? Definitely not, he’s not stupid _

_ Everett ross? Nope a stickler _

_ Thunderass? Ew _

_ Rhodey? No, I would kill her  _

_ Bru- nevermind he’s not even here _

_ Who else goddammit? _

_ Who? _

The moment he realized his lips parted in surprise. A whimper escaped his mouth, one he desperately wished to take back. His head hurt so much.

His body sensing distress in both his heart and brain, went into overdrive to try to understand why his pain receptors were lighting up when nothing was physically wrong with him. He turned onto his side and tucked himself into a fetal position. Clutching his chest, he tried to calm his breathing and erratic heartbeat. 

_ Steve. _

The traitor rushed to his side, eyes frantic and desperate to do something. She tried to place a hand on him to steady him, but he flinched,  _ those hands had touched steve _ . It probably hurt her feelings but he didn’t care. She slept with his fiance. 

His mind was also a traitor, it kept going back to the past to analyze every interaction--searching for the clues that he slept with her, had been dishonest to tony’s heart. 

The first time he had a gathering with all his friends and steve, Sharon had been late and it hadn’t even crossed tony’s mind the way steve acted when she rushed in. Especially since Steve had been so gentle with tony that day after, like he was precious; it never occurred to him that it was an apology. The morning of the dinner, they woke up perfectly. Tony wrapped up in a sweater of steves, warm and big. At first, he had been confused that steve  _ wasn’t  _ in bed trailing kissed down his neck, but when he stumbled into the kitchen, he saw his captain cooking waffles with blueberries and it warmed his heart. No one besides his mother and three friends had ever cared for him in this way. His chest felt so full and sated after they ate, then steve had pulled tony onto his lap and they watched a movie curled into each other. It had been nice. 

At the dinner party, everyone knew they were dating but they hadn’t announced it. Steve was awkward with affection, especially around tony’s oldest friends. He didn’t pet tony like he would when they were alone, he never kissed him or even embraced him. It stung a little, but tony understood that it was jarring, the lack of propriety compared to his past. When Sharon came in, breathless, smoothing her clothes down and blushing when she saw steve, tony thought it was just a crush. He didn’t notice how steve stiffened and completely shut off from him. Didn’t even notice how steve left nearly right after she did with the pretense of having an early morning. Didn’t notice that Steve didn’t come back like he usually did, so distracted by the morning warmth and the night's laughter and friendship. 

He wondered if he fucked her that night. 

_ Control yourself. What did you expect, that he was faithful and true? That he actually loved you? Get a grip, you stupid boy.  _

He worked on getting his breathing back together, a staccato of tapping fingertips calming him. 

_ Five things _

_ Five things _

Finally, he pushed himself into an upright position. Opening his eyes, he saw Sharon hunched over on the visitor's chair--eyes twitching and fingers twisting her shirt. He sighed, he didn’t want to know but he had to.

“Did you fuck him?” he asked sharply, his brow lowered and face pulled tight as he stared at her. 

She looked away, inhaling shakily she nodded once. She didn’t even have the courtesy of admitting it out loud. 

“Say it!” he barked at her. Angry so angry, at her, at steve, at God or the universe or whatever. 

She looked at him hesitantly, this would only hurt him, but he needed to hear her say it. 

“Yes” she breathed out. 

He sobbed, his forearm gagging him. stopping the wails from reaching their full sobering effect. The sounds that manage to escape were haunting, even to his own ears. To his knowledge, despite steve pining for his past, he never actually cheated. But to sleep with his cousin, his friend...it was only more evidence that steve did not actually love him. 

She flinched when he started to wail, it hurt her to see him like this. But this was her punishment. 

When he calmed down, he didn’t even bother to wipe the dripping tears or the snot. 

“Where?”

“London, after aunt Peggy's funeral” the one he didn’t go to because he was busy trying to please the world and supers, trying to please steve. 

“The first time?!” bafflement coloring his voice. He lifted the arms he had shielding his eyes to look at her in surprise. He thought it had been sooner. 

“Well we flirted and kissed once before that time, but the first time we, uh, was in London” she confessed, the words too loud even with tonys quiet crying. 

“tell me everything”

She leapt from the chair, taking a step towards him, stopping only when he flinched. 

“what?! no tony! I’m not gonna give you the sordid details of his affair. As if this is a casual conversation between girlfriends, this wasn’t just a fuck, this was your husband. I’m not gonna hurt you like that, I can’t stand to hurt you like that” the words spluttered out, indignation and righteousness painting a picture on her face. An ugly picture.

“Fiance. He was my fiance, not my husband. And you have no right to keep this from me-!” his breath hitched as his voice cracked, “so you will tell me every little detail, down to how the veins of his cock felt while I was busting my ass to fix the accords and make them better!” his hiccups made her heartbreak even further. 

She sat back down on the chair, shoulder hunched while she leaned her elbows on her knees. 

“After the funeral, we saw each other. I-” she briefly paused to clear her throat, “I invited him back to my hotel for a drink, we met at the bar and left his Wilson there. He seemed frantic and excited, I thought it was because he was into me, he kept pausing our journey to my room to kiss me. And we went to my room and then he sat me down to explain that this was one time because he didn’t want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't think he meant mine. After he talked, I laughed and got a drink from the minibar, I said “don’t be so plebeian”. I stuck an ice cube between his lips and i- tony please I don't want to do this!” she begged, but he didn’t listen just laid there on his back, his sobs being quieted by his arm. 

Briefly removing his arm, he screamed at her to continue. 

“I sucked on it from his mouth. When it melted we kissed and he laid back. He then commanded me to suck him off, he called me many names but I didn't mind them. When he came, he forced me to swallow, apologizing of course for fucking my mouth but I didn’t care because I was having sex with the captain America” she stopped, this was the worst part, for her and for him. She didn’t want to continue. 

“Either continue or get the fuck out of here and never come back” he snarled, the effect diminished by the cracks and raspy voice. His eyes were feverish, glazed slightly by tears but bright and red and so fucking tired. 

“And then he put on a condom and told me to ride him. He didn’t prep me and kind of used me like a fleshlight. I didn’t really like it but again it was Captain America. He was so big it hurt me, but he kept on going until he came. After he cleaned up, we went downstairs and that was when we saw what happened in Vienna”

She didn’t speak after that, but she also didn’t leave. Tony continued to lie there and cry. It hurt so much that steve would do this, a part of him loved him even after the bruises. A part of him thought that once steve had bucky he would be calm and love tony again. That he and steve could fix their problems. But that far-fetched dream was shattered by this revelation. 

Little hiccups erupted into more sobs. She wanted to leave but this was her punishment. 

“Did you know?” he sat up now, looking at her with such an intense stare. 

“No!” she effused.

He gave an ugly laugh at that, “sure” he scoffed. 

“I didn’t!” she insisted, one thing was for steve to be a cheater, but for her to deliberately also be a cheater? No that wasn’t her. 

“I didn’t know. Yeah I figured you had a crush but I didn’t know you guys were dating, especially since I’ve been busy building my cover in JTTF and doing missions for SWORD that are really underground or out of world”

“Okay” was all he said. It hurt to know that hours later, after busting Bucky away from the cops, he sat down with Tony, looked him and the eye, and pretended to love him. Yeah, things were tense, but when weren’t they. The important thing was that they both had their rings on and they both still loved each other. Or at least he thought they did. 

Suddenly a thought occurred to him, “so I'm guessing he kept the ring and you never noticed?” Tony sniffed, trying to find a way for this to not all be on Rogers' shoulders. 

Sharon looked at the ground, thinking about how there hadn’t even been an indent on his finger, “He never even had it on that day tony” 

“Get out” tony whimpered, grabbing the ring he still wore and throwing it at Sharon’s retreating figure. 

\--------------------------------

Why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty

You gave her your sweater

It's just polyester

But you like her better

Wish I were Heather

\----------------------------

Their first kiss had been really special to tony.

They had just come back from a mission; tired and sweaty and bruised. Tony had taken a particularly hard hit throwing himself in front of steve. He went off plan, but Tony was called a genius for a reason; had calculated every single risk in that split second. Tony was a genius, and even though the cons outweighed the pros, he loved Steve so goddamn much that it burned him to even think of not doing anything. 

The beam coming from the ostentatious and ugly AIM weapon shot Tony right through a wall. Rubble and debris crashed around him, weakening the suit even more.  _ Good thing they were still in a destroyed part of the city _ , wincing when he remembered it was them who destroyed it in the first place.  _ Fuckin’ chitauri _ Natasha had almost dropped her task when she saw him go down, her cool exterior cracking for a second before she resumed and barked at steve to help him. 

Steve sent Clint instead, asked Tony what he had left to do, huffing an annoyed breath when Tony reported that his task in dismantling all of AIM’s comms, bombs, trackers, and major hitters had been finished. 

Meaning that tony not only did his job but also saved his teammate and leader. Which of course grated on steve for no damn reason. 

Clint flirted indecorously with tony about his heroism and “sexy boldness” as he flew the both of them home, Captain Jackass had already arrived and was waiting in the lab for tony. The genius shrugged off the hoots and suggestive yowling of his teammates as he walked in the room, on high alert after steves tone and attitude the rest of the mission. Sleekly taking his suit off, he sat on a stool and went to work on a project--ignoring the hurt in his body and the good soldier. It was stupid and bold, but Tony didn’t feel like getting berated for doing his fucking job. 

Steve swung the chair around scanning Tony’s body, nose flaring at the sight of the smaller man's bruises. He went to where the mechanic liked to stash a medkit and began muttering under breath about “stupid engineers” and “ fucking egotistical playboys” as he fixed Tony up.

Which, by the way, was just rude.

Tony wrenched his arm away from the ungrateful grown-in-a-lab piece of shit. Stripping his shirt he made way for the full bath near the back of the lab (technically supposed to be a decontamination shower but semantics and tony wouldn’t be tony if he didn’t whatever he wanted), intent on soaking and letting his body heal without the scrutinizing baleful gaze of his crush. 

Steve growled and spun tony around again, hand gripping tony’s bruised skin. tony let out the smallest whine, teeth tugging his lower lip to stop the vocalization of his pain. He stared horrified at the super soldier, he couldn’t believe he let the already hard on him man hear his weakness. 

And yet, Steve gently tugged the trapped lip with his thumb, hand coming to cup Tony’s jaw; with his other hand, he traced down his form, pausing every time tony groaned at the abuse on his bruised body. 

“It’s okay pet, just examin’ you is all. Have to check where you hurt yourself doin’ something’ stupid, don't I?” he whispered, using the softest voice tony’s ever heard come from the commanding man; it gave tony butterflies. 

They had been flirting close to this for a while, both afraid and nervous to take another step to try and define what they felt. But finally, steve brought his other hand up to cup Tony's face and kissed him. It was a kiss filled with yearning but he continued to press slowly, it was a languid exploration of tony’s mouth. Steve hadn’t even bothered to just press his mouth over tony’s, he went straight (ha) to getting as close as possible, using his strength gently (a subtle reminder of the sheer mass of force steve truly was). 

Mindful of tony’s hurt body, steve kept his hands at tony’s jaw and neck. Finally, after some time, he let go and stepped back. His lips slightly swollen and reddened, cheeks flushed, even his normally gelled hair was slightly unkempt. The awe on tony’s face was something he couldn’t even bother hiding. It was riveting to feel the purposeful care steve took with him, how he could’ve forced his mouth open, could’ve pressed and pressed (and tony would’ve let him), but he took his time in being firm but kind. 

Steve then sat tony down on the stool and began dressing his wounds delicately. Hissing when tony whimpered, shushing when tony whined, running a firm hand up and down his flank when a groan of pain escaped the geniuses lips. The almost immediate switch from being angry and aggressive to soft and kind should’ve lit up very-bright-almost-Santa-like-red flags, but that insinuation hadn’t even crossed his mind. 

After dressing him he carried the genius to his bed, curling his body possessively around tony. It would’ve been endearing had he not snapped anytime Tony shifted to leave his arms, but Tony thought he was just being protective after having to see Tony’s wounds. He called Tony pet and my cherry, as if he owned tony--the kiss being a brand that marked Tony as his forever. Tony had succumbed completely to the possessive man, so in awe that someone like steve would want him, had kissed him, was protective of him. 

It soothed something in Tony's chest that had been aching since he was 17. 

He thought he was enough, enough for steve to love him and be loyal. It was now very clear he wasn’t. He looked at the ring thrown haphazardly on the floor, glinting from the sunlight. And knew that he was done. 

He wasn’t pretty enough,

Or smart enough, 

Or obedient enough, 

Or attractive enough, 

Or young enough, 

Or even worthy of steve. 

That's why he cheated with Sharon, his beautiful young cousin. 

He stared at the doorway for what seemed like hours, every once in awhile glancing at the ring glinting dangerously on the floor. He yearned to pick it up, to touch the evidence of Steve’s love. 

He stared at the doorway, feeling like it was mocking him. Reminding him everybody left or everybody hurt him before leaving. 

He stared at the doorway. 

She came back with a mug of something hot and sweet, the aroma filling tony’s senses. 

Gingerly, he took the proffered drink, practically inhaling the chocolaty goodness. She sat at the corner of his bed, looking at him warily. This was their language, and she waited to see if he would respond.

Memories came to mind as he drank the comforting beverage. This was something he would do when he pissed her off or made a mistake. Make Jarvis’s burnt hot chocolate recipe with extra whip cream and sit on the corner of her bed while she silently sipped and observed him. If she forgave him, she offered the last bit of slightly charred milky chocolate to him--the best part...she always gave me the best part. 

He drank the sugary goodness, just up until the last bits were visible. Silently, and truthfully a bit reluctantly, he offered her the best part. 

Her relief was palpable the minute she saw his arm extend, taking the olive branch she sipped gingerly. Her eyes shone with a gratitude that was unbecoming of a Carter. 

“Don’t be plebeian” he muttered, 

She scoffed, no doubt remembering his lessons on how to abstain from being so...common and emotional. Not that his hypocritical ass ever followed those lessons. Whatever. 

“At least it was you” he whispered before turning away, a dismal as good as any. 

\--------------------------------

Watch as she stands with her holding your hand

Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder

But how could I hate her? She's such an angel

But then again, kinda wish she were dead

As she walks by

What a sight for sore eyes

Brighter than a blue sky

She's got you mesmerized

While I die

Why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty

You gave her your sweater

It's just polyester

But you like her better

I wish I were Heather

Wish I were Heather

(Oh, oh)

Wish I were Heather

\------------------------------

After all the heartache with tony and James, after the extremis, and watching Sharon finally tell Tony the truth, Natasha went to the one person who would know how to complete her task and finish this. She wanted to kill rogers, and she absolutely could. 

Natasha had been running from the cold ever since she defected. Running because of what it seemed to do to her, how it changed her. Natashas anger, unlike pepper or even tony’s, was freezing. So cold and detached, it was point-blank fury. Unbridled fury. She rarely let herself get to that point, not a difficult task when she had her family to hold her in their arms and warm her with their understanding. But she almost lost her family, almost lost tony and his ever present warmth. Because of fucking rogers. 

She remembers the first time she let her ice take over, in Budapest. What was probably a funny story to clint (and there had been funny parts), had actually been a nightmare for Natasha. 

Clint had recruited Nat, had chosen mercy and kindness over finishing the job. It should’ve been a lesson to the spy, but Natasha was arrogant and always chose the job and her ego. But that changed when they went on assignment to Belgrade, the worst thing happened--Clint had been taken to budapest. For a week, Natasha interrogated and scrambled to look for her friend. 

And he was her friend. Despite being standoffish in the past, unable to show her attachment, Clint still treated her like a companion like a normal person. Not even as an asset, any other agent. She even secretly learned sign-language for him. 

When he was taken, she felt her heart in her throat, blocking much-needed air from entering; it created a panic in her. Every word was spoken as if a stone was lodged in her throat, rasping, and grating to every individual she spoke to. To everyone, she seemed aloof and uncaring, but inside she was freezing so much it burned her. 

Budapest hadn’t ended well for the Russian cartel who nabbed clint. 

The amount of damage and dead bodies left immediately called for a psych eval that Fury overrode. He knew what had happened. He understood. 

He knew that blocking a child from creating attachments, destroying her senses and emotions, meant that the moment someone or something makes her feel something... if it was taken away, only carnage would remain. 

She had almost killed Fury for not giving her back up and leaving clint to die without anyone to help besides Natasha. For not responding to the desperate messages she left for him. For not seeming to care like she did. When she saw him at base, she almost took one of Clint's arrows and stabbed it in his neck. Almost. 

But then she remembered the words of her father, “the anger in your heart warms you now, but will leave you cold in your grave”. 

She didn’t want to be cold anymore. Didn’t want to give in to the desire to destroy. That had been more than a decade ago, before Laura and Cooper and Lila and nate. Before Tony and his snark and Pepper and Rhodey, and everyone who made her warm. She hadn’t been cold since then, since Tony and their family became a principle in her life. 

But she was cold now.

She strode to the apartment complex across from her, easily going up the fire escape and breaking into the fourth apartment on the third floor. Fury’s apartment. 

Tip-toeing into the one-bedroom apartment she crossed the living room to stare at fury. His back was turned but she knew that he knew she was there. 

Now it was only a matter of who was faster at pulling out a gun. 

A single inhale, the rise of his shoulders--his tell. 

She whipped out her gun, the foreboding click of the safety being removed, echoing in the room. 

To his credit, Fury didn’t even flinch, simply turned around casually; hands splayed to show he was unarmed. 

She grabbed the gun in his pocket, not bothering to check for more weapons, there was no point she would be in and out in 30 seconds--definitely not enough time to pull a fast one on her. 

“They're in Wakanda,” she stated, voice quiet and hard. She knew fury could see her anger, could see she was cold. 

“Yes, and before you ask, no I did not put them there” 

“How do I get in?” she pressed, if anyone knew, it would be Fury. 

“Do you remember Everette?”

She grinned. Oh, this was gonna be good. 

\----------------------------------------

She looked at the box in her hand, it had an ancient phone, some letters, and something far more precious. 

The diamond glinted in the darkened aircraft. Besides her, Ross scoffed. She didn’t deign to answer him, just closed the box again. 

As much as she would relish the look on Roger's face when everything he gave to Tony, which wasn’t much, was thrown in his face; she was sad to think that Tony’s heart had to break in order for the truth to come out. It hurt that tony was STILL in love with Rogers--despite everything that was done to him. 

None of those maudlin thoughts warmed her though, she had some work to do. 

They landed right near the northern border of Tanzania. They couldn’t land right on the border because they would immediately be on the Wakandans radar. 

She patted herself down as Everette made the necessary calls. Shifting she reached down to check the side pocket on her leg. Fingering the amulets, she touched the smooth stones and woven chain. Everything was there, but she hoped they weren’t necessary. She moved on to the rest of her gear as Everetted finished up his call. 

“T’challa? No, nothing wrong...yeah...a bit of an issue in Tanzania...if I have time but maybe not...no I have not forgiven Okoye and shuri...okay...of course your Majesty, ta” the smile on Ross’s face was so apparent. 

Interesting. 

“If you’re so close to the king why are you okay with tricking him and Shuri?” she smirked 

The smile on his face got even softer, and his crinkling eyes turned downward,

“Because it’s Tones” he stated. 

Oh?

OH.

Fury had a lot of contacts, he is a master spy for a reason. He could’ve chosen a multitude of people to help her sneak in, given her access to politicians and public figures. But he chose Ross. 

That meant that Everette had a personal connection to Tony, a stake in this. She remembered the scoff he let out when he saw the ring... interesting indeed. 

“And because we’re so close, he can trust that whatever I do, however illegal, is for a reason. I'm the second white boy of the family for a reason” he said smugly, the leer he had on earlier taking place again.  _ Ugh _ , she rolled her eyes at the preening man. 

Instead, she focused on the task at hand. Obviously, Rogers was the main goal, but she had choice words for the scarlet-bitch and Clint, even Sam and Scott deserved to freeze a little. The inconsequential would be first, they would be easy to terrify into submission. Then Clint, who  _ knew _ the capacity of her anger. Then the witch, which was only possible because she contacted Strange and had him make her an amulet to protect against magic, (she had some made for the others just in case). Finally, Rogers would get a taste of what it felt to be frost-bitten. Then maybe she could check out the royal family, get to know the king and the famous Shuri. The one that made Harley blush. 

She got off the aircraft after Ross, he had an actual task to do in Tanzania, one that was public enough to show its validity. With a final nod of goodbye, they strode off in opposite directions. Natasha had half-a-days travel to get right on the border of the once invisible country. 

The trek was difficult and tedious, Wakanda sat past tall mountains, it would be difficult to go over them, so she had to take the water's path. She checked her gear and made sure her connection to FRIDAY was secure. 

“Look I know you’re mad sweetheart but we have to do this for tony...and for pepper” 

No response

“Okay at least patch me to peter?” she sighed. 

“Ms. Romanov, do you copy?” Peter said curtly.  _ Ouch. _

“Peter, it's me. We’re friends, I’m putting my life in your hands” she pleaded.

“I put Mr. Starks life in your hands” the  _ look where it got us _ , was unsaid but definitely implied.

“Peter plea-”

“Ms. Romanova, have you reached your final checkmark?” he cut in, clearly she wouldn’t get to him anytime soon.

“Yes” 

“In 30 seconds the comms will go down between you and me, in 60 seconds FRIDAY will open up an undetectable tear in their protections; however, she will not be with you until you can establish a silent frequency using the ModiStark. After that, our business will be concluded and you FRIDAY must navigate the grounds on your own. Do you copy?”

“Copy that Spider-Man” 

She counted down the seconds, preparing the ModiStark that would create a beacon for FRIDAY to latch onto. She patted down her suit, making sure all her weapons and amulets were in place. Wading along a crocodile-infested river and then trapezing through muddy ground made her nervous. She would have to change into something recognizable and more suited for threatening weak men, thank God the blonde was coming out, only present on the tips. Her red hair was part of her legends, adding to others' fear of THE Black Widow. She looked at every part fierce and capable, exactly as she planned. 

The static of Peter's comms being cut off meant she only had thirty seconds to get as close to the force field and change into something more presentable. 

3

2

1

She ran through towards the grassy plains, making sure to crouch and hide in the stalks. She quickly finished setting up the device, it was necessary for their plan. Without it, she wouldn’t have FRIDAY, and she could be detected on their radar. The suit and the device used cloaking technology to make her invisible, in fact, Peter modified it using Wakandan theory so that it would be invisible to even Wakandan's. It was absolutely brilliant, then again her little spider was a genius like his  папа  . 

“FRI? Are you there?”

“...yes” it seemed FRIDAY was  _ still _ angry. 

“I am truly sorry Fri, I didn't know about it--any of it. And I’m here to make it right, to hurt them back”

“Did you know that I knew? Or rather had an inkling as to what was happening? You’re friends never gave me much credit, I had an idea as to what Private Rogers was planning. I knew about  _ everything _ , even when tony shut down my cameras and high range microphones,  _ I had to know everything _ . Especially with the witch running interference, I knew it was nothing good. But Tony told me to drop it because he was so happy. I listened...I could tell that something was wrong, that Boss was being hurt. Domestic violence, the internet calls it. I did nothing because I couldn't do anything, because Da shut me out. You did nothing because it wasn’t convenient, because it meant being uncomfortable. But I am willing to work with you” FRIDAY spat out. it would've been unnerving to head such emotion from an AI, but Tony always had a way of putting life into things. 

“Thank you” she uttered solemnly. 

She ran through the plains, the castle was just insight. Night had just fallen, the guards were rotating shifts. She searched for their leader, Okoye; FRIDAY had sent a private transmission to her with a warning that Natasha was there to keep the avengers in line. Judging by the message sent back, was something Okoye desperately agreed with, “the foreigners are spiteful and disrespectful. They needed someone of The Black Widows prowess to keep them in check”, FRIDAY had intoned to Natasha when she asked. 

She spotted the gold necklace that was distinctive to Okoye. Letting a slight view of her red hair become visible, she waited for the other womans nod before darting towards the nearest entrance. Slipping into the closing door, she ran through the darkened hallway, red hair flowing behind her, shadows dancing in her succession. 

She looked like she had when she worked for Russia, a borrowed operative for HYRDA. She looked the way she had when Clint found her, like poison. Her serum let her bounce back to her natural form quickly, for once she was glad they experimented on her. 

As she ran through the rooms letting FRIDAY guide her to her first target she thought about how tony was the only person she trusted to help her. She told him about the Red Room, what they did to her. How they injected her with a serum, took her chances of a family, made her weak to them. They kept her hair long, made it distinctive and a seduction tactic (pulled it when they raped her docile or ordered her to let someone else pull it so she could bring glory to the Red Room), when it was cut it would grow back in weeks. When she hurt herself, the skin would only be slightly marred, sometimes not even--something she would continuously test. Its regenerative properties were so quick it ensured that the only way to keep her submissive was to fry her brain like Barnes, and they didn’t want a defective zombie; though they still tried  _ many  _ methods to keep her submissive. 

Tony would find her clutching her stomach staring longing at children or looking at the scars receding as she stared at her beautiful face in the mirror. He would take her to the lab and sit her on the floor while he tended to her wounds, making sure they healed properly. He would take some clippers that were clutched in her hands (held purposefully to slice her palm) and cut her hair, sometimes even give her a cool style. Running his hand through her hair until she fell asleep in his arms. Every time her hair became too much of a reminder he took her in his arms and repeated the process. More kind and patient than anyone she ever knew. 

And they took him away from her. 

“Turn left. The door on your right. Target: Scott Lang” 

She crept into the room, scoffing at the bug he set up at the door. It certainly wasn’t for her, but maybe things weren’t as peachy in Wakanda as she assumed. Scott was asleep, sprawled spread eagle on the bed. She felt bad for Hope.  _ whatever. _

Very “delicately” she gave him a mild sedative, it would only last for 5 minutes but five minutes was all she needed. Quickly tying him up, she waited for him to wake up. Trailing a knife down his shirtless torso, she leaned in to whisper in his ear, 

“You fucked up Mr. Lang...you’re lucky tony’s family is merciful because otherwise, your family would’ve been in danger. The king is going to offer a pardon, you will reject it very publicly stating that you stand with Rogers. However, you will report to me about the rest of your teammates. Do this successfully and the pardons and your family will be waiting” he stilled with bated breath. 

She was precise in how she presented herself to him. Her voice was smooth, but it had an edge that belied her niceties. Also, the knife swirling a pattern down his body was a damn good indicator of her intention. 

Finally releasing him, she walked towards his window. Hips swinging as her hair swished, she looked lethal. Turning suddenly she threw a knife right next to his head. The fear in his eyes did nothing to dampen her rage. She tossed an amulet at him, he fumbled before securing it. 

“Be careful with the witch, she was hydra...on purpose” she warned before flipping onto the ledge and out of the window. A window Fri magically opened already, conscious of Natashas dramatics. Another reason, the spy loved the exasperated AI. 

“Target: Sam Wilson is in the room right across. Be warned, he is much more trained than the bug” 

“Aw you do care” 

“...”

Instead of coming through the door, she went through the highest window that peered into his room. To show off her strength or some shit. She crouched on the ledge right outside the window, watching the restless man toss and turn. A slight red mist surrounded his head,  _ dammit Wanda! _ He was being controlled, at least to an extent.  _ But, _ Wanda wasn’t that powerful enough to control him without making it obvious, and Rogers despite being a dick, would be against her in this.  _ Pick and choose, eh Rogers,  _ she sneered to herself. 

Still, she threw a mild stunner at him to wake him up, the red mist evaporating as soon as his eyes opened. He looked frantically around the room trying to find the source of the not-so-mild pain, she inched forward before throwing five ninja stars into the headboard, framing his body. He whipped his line of sight to where the sharp blades were thrown from, caught off guards when a lithe figure with flowing red hair dropped down gracefully. She peered into his eyes as she neared, searching for the traces of red she knew were indications of mind tampering.  _ There! The line around his iris is red! ughhhh! _

“Nat?” spluttered the disgraced airmen. Surprise was clear on his face, he most likely thought she was either dead by tony’s vengeful family or on the run because of Tony’s vengeful family. But she knew she looked good, healthy even. Her hair was long and her face fresh, contradictorily, her jaw was tense and her eyes flashed dangerously. 

“Put this on” she barked out, uncaring of the questions in Sam's eyes. She tossed the amulet at him, he caught it easily, the clear stone glinting prettily in the man's hands. Sometimes she forgot she trained him, taught him how to be quick, how to assess, and be quiet. 

She couldn’t use the same threat she had on Scott, Sam was stronger than that. Brute force would make him think she was brainwashed, he didn’t know that was simply her language. Cards out was the only way to properly convince him to fall in line or she would destroy him. 

“Did you know that Ross went after your family? No? Well he did,“ she purred in feigned sympathy, a slight Russian accent twinging her words, she ignored the noise of fear from Sam.

“It was quite interesting to watch Tony’s son and one of his best friends go and save them before Ross got there...but tony was always kind and looking out for the little guy, of course, his family would do the same in his honor” she knew what she was implying, that tony was dead or unavailable, both things only to have been a terrible result of the Captains confrontation. They saw the pictures. They knew what he was capable of. She also deliberately slipped that tony had a family more than what team dumbass knew--that they had possibly left a child an orphan. 

She stared through half-lidded eyes as his widened,  _ perfect  _

“You know when I decided to come to make sure you guys stay in line, and to make a delivery for Rogers, I thought about threatening you or your family. But I kind of like your mom, and I used to really like you, plus my widow bites should be used on someone who’s a worthy opponent. Not a little bitch who never questions what his daddy says” she was purposefully cruel, but this needed to be said, he needed to know what he had done to her. 

“Do you know that I am in fact capable of love? And guess who I loved so much, so dearly,”

“Tony” sam whispered

“Yup, Tony. Tony was beautiful, bright, smart, and so fucking generous” the devasting love on her face briefly outshone the rage simmering below, because “was” was right, tony was neither of those things now. Now he was nervous, twitchy, sometimes stuttering, his eyes were wrong,  _ he _ was wrong. 

“But cap and Tony! And-and you let bucky and him go too!” the puzzled look on Sam's face as he tried to make sense, almost made her laugh. Another almost.

“I didn’t love him like that, maybe once, I mean have you seen his ass? But no, I loved him like family because he was my family. And yeah, I let them go, I thought the threat was valid, I thought Tony knew the truth about his family and Barnes, and I’ve always slightly resented Tony for always being on the one up against me. I love him like a brother, that involves all the bickering and resentment as well” she shrugged, mouth tugging into a scary smirk. 

“Oh” she could see now that things were beginning not to look so black and white to sam. 

“The amulet protects you from the witch’s powers, Tony  _ had _ some pretty powerful friends. It blocks her interference which is why your head feels kinda clear like you just got over a cold. Always wear it, always hide it. You are going to go to the king as a show of faith and request that he explain the accords, you’re going to let Scott catch you reading the accords and you will create an alliance with him and only him. But don’t trust him fully. Record Roger's mood and actions, the amulet has a button that lets me know you want to make contact. Give me five instances where he is irrational, but don’t antagonize him, do that and you get pardons granted once you sign the accords” she looked at him expectantly, eyebrows raised delicately. 

She was anything but delicate. 

She knew that, and he most definitely knew that. He nodded his concession, voice scared away. What a fuckin pussy . 

She leapt up to the ledge, landing softly before using that advantage to leap and crawl into the vents. It was time to visit Clint. 

She thought about the conversation she had with Laura before she left. Laura was the only person besides Pepper who terrified her. And for good reason. 

Laura had pinned Natasha down before making her swear allegiance to Tony no matter what Clint said. It had both surprised and didn’t surprise Natasha, Laura did have a soft spot for the soft and cute, it was inevitable for that to extend to Tony. A testament to where her loyalties lie, Laura had sat down and angrily cried at her for about an hour, fisting his hand in Nat's shirt and she awkwardly consoled the sobbing woman. 

“He. Just. Left! Like we were nothing. I knew he was bored but I didn’t think it was that bad” she stared up at Natasha, big brown eyes eerily similar to tony’s. 

“I didn’t think so either, why didn’t you tell me when I visited?” she knew why, laura didn’t have the same trust in her after she let the scarlet witch on the team

“Do you think he fucked her? That he loves her, that's why he abandoned us, me?” she whimpered and buried her face in Natasha's chest. Something welled up in the spy, her friend was hurting too similarly to how tony was. Her friend's heart was bruised. She knew what the petite woman was asking. 

“You are worth love and loyalty, you did not deserve to be left behind” Natasha growled, taking the brunette's face in her hands, gently swiping at the angry tears dripping down the other woman's cheeks. 

Laura flushed, averting her eyes nervously, she licked her red-bitten lips and moved out of Natasha's grasp. It made the spy feel strange…empty. 

“Dorogoy-” she paused to find the right words, “do you have anything you want me to tell him?” she said carefully. But Laura knew what she was implying. 

The heavy sigh followed by a stack of papers told the Russian all she needed to know. It pained to know her friends were never going to be the same, that the little family they had invited her to be a part of--would never be the same. 

Little hiccups broke her reverie, she turned to the fierce beautiful woman next to her, 

“Please,” the small woman said, leaning towards Natasha with the intention to distract herself with a body,

She wrapped her up and cradled laura to her chest, “No Dorogoy, not like this,  _ this  _ is all I can do” she lamented, knowing that that was not what her friend needed. No, what she needed was someone to hold her and want her, without lust comprising that pureness. 

Her heart twinged something fierce, Laura was too much like Tony. Clint wasn’t abusive, but he didn’t treat Laura the way she deserved, had left her when even the notion of a fight came. Laura was too much like Tony with her soft brown hair and luminous deep brown eyes, ones like Tony had. Laura wasn’t brash like tony, more like pepper and rhodey mixed. Fond and motherly, with the odd mix of snark. She was utterly perfect and Clint threw it away. 

All of that came to mind while she crawled through the vents, hoping to stir a reminder in clint. How he reacted would determine to Natasha if he was even good enough for Laura. 

Quietly removing the grate, she dropped into the room, weapons drawn. Clint was still out, an angry red swirl moving around his whole unconscious form. She quickly gave him a brief taste of her widow bites to buzz him awake. Instinctively, he reached for a bow that would not be there. Turning into a sitting position he looked at her with wide eyes. 

“Natasha! You’re here? You’re safe? Did Tony get to you? We gotta get Cap!” he rushed out, tumbling around the bed to try to stand in his sleep-addled state. She ignored him.

“Did you know that tony redesigned the vents after New York, made them bigger, read in your file you like tight spaces and a high advantage” she commented casually, unperturbed by his fumbling and questions. 

Then she smiled and he gulped, “Did you know that Tony did that to make you comfortable, happy even. He liked you, with your jokes and sucky past, thought it was something you could bond over. But you laughed with him and took his gifts and then ignored him” she looked thoughtful as she said this, as if she hadn’t already planned what she was going to say, 

“He saved your family from Ross, well not him exactly, he’s... _ unavailable, _ but his family did. His family saved your after you screwed him over and ruined his property and life” 

“I didn’t-”

“Yeah, you did. And then you mocked him, Laura saw that by the way”

He garbled something at the mention of his wife, 

“I wonder, why did you leave so quickly, so desperately? Was the witches pussy that good? You liked being her good little pet, I Bet that's why you don’t mind when she fucks with your head. The sad part is, she doesn’t even want you, she’s probably thinking of rogers when you fuck her with all of your 3 inches”

“We’re not! she’s not!...Stark is the real enemy! Nat! You know me, Stark is tearing us apart, he’s a no-good dirty fucking whore!” his explosive words meant to coax her to go against Tony, but it only served in turning her blood to ice. 

she launched and flipped in the air, landing with her knee on the startled blonde's chest, grasping his wrist in her hands, she leaned over to whisper, 

“Laura says goodbye” 

she turned and walked away dropping the stack of paper and the amulet on the table,

“Goodbye clint,” she said, not even bothering to look back. 

\----------------------

“That was...very well done”

“Is that a compliment sweetheart? I knew I was growing on you” she grinned, the ugly twist replaced by something softer and far less sinister. She had missed this, the banter with Tony’s eldest. 

“You must be careful of Widow, though she cannot bend your mind, she can certainly manipulate other objects”

“Did you just objectify me FRI? Don’t worry, Scarlet bitch isn’t gonna see me coming, I wonder how well she’ll do in the cold” she fingered the amulet around her neck, she was going to show it off, let the witch know she wasn’t the only magic user...that she was utterly replaceable. 

She slinked into the room, staring in disgust at the mess surrounding the pampered brat. Clothes were strewn around, ones Wanda definitely didn’t pack. Using the same mild sedative from before, she tied Wanda up leaving her in the skimpy silk nightie. Waiting in the shadows until she woke up. 

Soon enough the sounds of struggling could be heard, thank god she gagged her, she didn’t want to listen to her bitch and moan. Keeping to the shadows she threw dagger after dagger between the brats legs as the screeching woman scrambled back. The strap of the redhead slipped down her bare arms, and Natasha allowed herself a sadistic smirk. 

She coyly crossed the threshold, twirling a blade between her fingers. 

“I know how much you like to fuck with minds ved'ma, how about I fuck with yours for a change” she whispered. 

Dragging the blade down the witch's chest between the valley of her breast, she let it sit there for a while--applying only the slightest pressure. Quickly she flipped the witch over onto her stomach, straddling her, Wanda’s shoulder and back completely exposed to the vengeful spy.

Natasha wouldn’t do anything that reminded her too much of the Red Room, she had her limits. She only trailed the blade around the creamy unmarred skin while she spoke.

“I'm going to list your crimes, and you are going to repent to me right now, do you understand Ved’ma? I am your priest and you must confess!” she hissed, lips roving over the brats ear. 

“You fucked with all of our heads, even when you promised not to, it's why I couldn’t truly let go of my resentment. Do you confess to this sin?” Natasha pulled the gag down just enough to hear the bitch confess, pressing the dagger in between her shoulder blades just enough to warn her. 

“Yes” she whispered

“You are fucking with their heads now! Do you confess to this sin?” 

“Yes,” a whimper pushed out of witches pretty little lips,

“You never loved Vision, you only used him, do you confess to this sin?

“No, I do love him!”

Natasha only clucked her tongue and pressed the blade even harder, the smallest trickle of blood dripping down the woman's back, 

“Do. you. Confess. To. This. Sin” each word punctuated by Natasha tightening grip on the woman's wrist. 

“...yes” she cried out. Natasha watch the soft sobs, completely unmoved by her act, 

“You lusted after a married man, you lusted after an engaged man, you envied what you did not have. Do you confess to this sin?” her Russian accent was definitely making a return, she was quickly losing control, she needed to finish sooner than she planned. 

“Yes”

“You abused tony’s wealth and generosity...don’t lie we found your secret account...tony even knew about it. Do you confess to this greed and gluttony?”

“Yes” came the dutiful answer. 

“You are lazy and expect everything to be handed to you, you abused the maids here and the bots at the compound. Do you confess to this sin?”

“Yes” Natasha was starting to like this version of Maximoff

“You do not humble yourself, never admitting to a single fault, and blame everyone. Do you confess your pride?”

“I didn’t mess up, Stark messed me up! ARGH!” she whisper-shrieked when Natasha yanked her hair, the dagger no longer on her back, instead pricking the delicate skin of the witch's throat. 

“Confess!” the Russian snarled

“Yes, I confess” the little redhead bit out. 

“Do you confess to unjust anger against Tony?!” Natasha growled, fuck things were getting out of control

“...yes” came the defeated whisper

“I think I like you like this, obedient and respectful” Natasha smirked. 

The witch looked fearfully at the ice-cold spy, and Natasha knew that she gave her taste of the Siberian cold. 

Natasha didn’t bother saying goodbye, simply left the tied up witch, and sauntered out without as much as a goodbye. 

“Did I go too far, baby girl?” 

“...another might’ve said yes. But I am just as angry as you, though much more controlled. I noticed your heartbeat slowing and your temperature dropping. Be careful Ms. Romanov” the AI warned. 

It was true her control was slipping, soon she would lose all that made her human, made her care, and revert to the good little spy she once was. After rogers, she would need to recuperate with Tony...or maybe laura. 

She stopped in front of his door, this one she was unsure of. Before a Cheshire grin took over. 

“FRI, the widow suit initiative was built in here right?” 

“Yes, simply use your voice-activated command code”

“Bravo, India, Tango, Charlie, Hotel” 

“BITCH activated” chirped Friday, 

“Thanks, FRI” Natasha guffawed quietly. 

The widow suit gave her a light armor that was similar to Tonys, coupled with a smaller, less powerful, arc reactor at her center. It was a prototype for the nanites Tony had been working on. The black armor and the red that outlined her figure, even the arc reactor was in her signature hourglass sigil. It was perfect and thrummed with life only tony seemed to be able to give to his creations. It definitely didn’t work at full capacity, being only a mockup of a potential armor all Stark woven suits would potentially have. But she didn’t need it to actually work, she only needed it to seem like it was working. 

She strode into the captains room, any sedative wouldn’t work, nor would other intimidation tactics. 

“Captain my captain,” she said impishly, using tony’s words and tone purposely, “do you know what happens to a baseline human when you leave it in the frozen tundra?” she fired one of her widow bites at him, the jolt even more powerful because of the suit's power. 

He grunted confusedly in the bed, she could tell he was unsure if the familiar whirring sound was tony or someone else. She confused him with the reminder of the suit and her distinctive attitude.  _ Good.  _

“Well after a beating from not one, but two super-soldiers, I imagine a painful death. But no, his friends saved him, actually your precious bucky saved him. The one you wanted so much as your lover, has left you for your actual lover. Or it would be like that if Tony ever was able to be the same after what you did to him” she reached for his throat, the widow bites keeping him too unstable to fight back properly. He thrashed under the metallic hand wrapped around his throat, she squeezed, another reminder of that fateful day. 

_ Howard? _

_ Maria!  _

_ Sgt Barnes? It's me. _

“I know about everything; about the abuse, he suffered at the hands of a so-called “good man”. I know about your affair, I know that you wanted to keep tony as your scorned rich wife and bucky like your little mistress. They don’t  _ want _ you and they don't _ need _ you either!” she snarled. The robotic sound grating definitely purposefully grating on his already fried nerves. 

“Bucky is just a friend. And Tony is mine, he belongs to me, not you. Bucky knows that! He wouldn’t betray me!” the blonde spat out defiantly. 

She let the faceplate slide open, the slick sound of metal against metal hurting Rogers's ears. Good . 

“I have something for you” she whispered, backing away, widow bites aimed as she reached for the box. 

“It's from tony” she threw the box at him, gleefully watching his face crumble at the sign of the very same box he sent the man himself. 

“Tony is under my protection, he's my family. Do not even try to hurt him again or I will destroy you” she escaped the room right before any thrown lamps could hit their mark. 

Immediately upon leaving the darkened corridor, she was surrounded by the fiercest looking women she had ever encountered.

“Did you accomplish what you came to do?” Okoye questioned 

Letting the nanites slide off her body and into the emblem on her tactical belt she answered looking right at Okoye, “yeah. I did”. 

“Your escort is here. Involving the royal family would’ve put them at risk and implicated them in this infiltration, you have been trained well” Okoye commented as she guided Natasha through the palace,

Natasha grinned at the very subtle compliment,  _ ooh I like her _ . 

“Yeah! I want to meet kitty and Kitty's cool sister” she jeered, making it clear to the elite guard that it wasn’t really a request. 

“If the king wishes it so, then it will be done” okoye retorted evenly, keeping her posture and face relaxed. 

“The king does wish it so” interrupted a smooth buttery voice. King T’challa stood with an unrepentant Ross and a grinning young girl, he looked down at Natasha, scanning her for any injuries...and possible weapons.

“Your Majesty, your Royal Highness,” she nodded respectively, “Ross” the acknowledgement sounding flat even to her own ears. 

The slight twitch from the King let her know he was not angry, Shuri's cackle, however, overshadowed whatever micro-expression T’Challa made. 

“I’m Shuri, though I'm sure you knew that! I’m the resident genius, although technically my brother is also a genius, I am more smarter” Shuri's leering tone made her giggle, she liked the girl. Reminded her of the stories Rhodey would tell about tony when they were younger while tony pouted in the corner. 

“It is “I am smarter” or “I have more intelligence” and the fact that i had to correct you is proof that no, you are not “more smarter” taunted the imposing handsome man, faux derision dripping off of every syllable. She grinned at the display, chuckling at the princesses vexed face. 

“It was a joke you nimwit. It was irony? Ever heard of it? I know you have a huge gnarly stick up your a-” a muffled hand slapped over her mouth as T’challa tugged the squirming teenager into his side. 

“I know who you are, the Boys talk a lot about you” she over the playful commotion. (not to her directly but Shuri didn’t need to know that)

A hand came out and gripped both children by the ears, very hard judging by the painful yowls and spluttering from the royal siblings. 

“Forgive my children. They haven’t had respectable company over and don’t know how to act. Queen Mother” the elegant woman said as an introduction.

Natasha nodded and bowed lowly, it wouldn’t do to stir the ire of a powerful dowager. 

Breaking the sobering moment, Shuri sniffed impishly, “of course they do, they’re useless for anything without me” 

“Hey!” Natasha warned good-naturedly, “those are my nephews you’re talking about!” 

The king had become silent when his mother came, assessing Natasha with narrowed eyes, it surprised her when he spoke directly to her. She had been right to assume he was purposefully ignoring her, trying to see if she was as arrogant and ill-mannered as her former teammates. But now he broke his silence, a hesitant breath leaving him before he spoke, 

“You are close to Dr. Stark then?” he queried, trying for casual but failing spectacularly. Apparently this burning question was enough to evoke him to speak to her, nevermind his previous contentment to simply watch her. 

“Don't mind him, he is still nursing a massive nerd crush on tony, that he's had since the nineties” Shuri ribbed in a loud whisper, her sharky grin letting Natasha know she was the one to watch out for. 

“You weren’t even alive in the nineties!” T’challa whined, he looked embarrassed at his unkingly tone. 

“Ha! See! He doesn’t even bother hiding it” the triumph in Shuri's voice would’ve been concerning if this wasn’t exactly how she and Tony were. Sniping at each other while the other whines to pepper. 

“Be kind to your brother, at least he didn’t freeze when he met Tony” Ross finally interjected, dodging the halfhearted swipe from the king

“Oh, he did” correct Okoye, her slight smile softening her severe countenance. 

This was nice, it reminded her painfully of how the team had been before it all went to shit. The memories of their inside jokes and teasing banter panging her heart. As if he could read her thoughts, T’challa offered to escort her to a guest room or to a plane that would take her home, interrupting the maudlin look she no doubt was sporting. 

She picked the plane, she missed home. She missed tony. They chatted on the way to the plain, talking about shuri and the boys, he gave her a warning glare when she asked if there was any possible prince or princess consorts in his future. He didn’t deign to answer so she moved onto other things. Before she knew it, they had arrived at the hangar, beautiful and utterly Wakandan. 

She patted herself down once again, checking that she had all her gear. Still, she couldn’t resist teasing him one last time while she boarded the plane,

“give tony a call, he deserves to be swept off his feet by prince charming...or king in this case” her knowing smile letting him know the validity of her words, “and don’t worry if you freeze, he’ll probably think it's cute” she said encouragingly with a furrowed brow and pouting lips. Her fake sympathy immediately sussed out judging by the narrowed eyes and twisted mouth. 

“I AM A KING!” shrieked king kitty. 

She laughed as the plane closed and zoomed off to her home, to Tony. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ved'ma means witch
> 
> dorogoy- darling
> 
> uh nat was kinda dark in this chapter, what do you guys think about it. 
> 
> also T'challa having a crush on tony ughhh so cute
> 
> also do you believe sharon? 
> 
> do you believe steve really loves tony? 
> 
> let me know in the comments

**Author's Note:**

> not edited.... i wrote this because i wanted a post cacw story that fit everything i wanted. however, after writing this i had a new appreciation for writer because my work was TRASH.  
> the song is Cuts that always bleed- Conan Gray  
> love you bye.


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